so my last post was about my uncertainty with KS lookalike.
things actually seem to be going well...
we've been seeing each other for a few weeks and consistently at that.
its really nice, his really affectionate and omg, its the best.
he says his really picky but somehow, in sommmmme fucked up way, IIIIIII am his type!!
me.
someone's type.
so strange.
unfort his currently living with his parents like an hour away, which sucks but he says thats extra motivation for him to move closer and with me starting work tomorrow 4 days a week that cuts down on the opportunity.
but i'm seeing him on friday and he'll probs meet my mum, i had dinner with his parents last week and then we're spending NYE together down at his parents, which is 5 minutes away from the beach.
and i'm also invited to his sister's wedding in January, well he invited me, so i'm not sure if i'm actually invited, but still a big deal i think.
...the sex is pretty good also :]
so things are pretty good for me right now :]
while i had my moments, i was starting to deal with being single peacefully, but this is really nice, i'm still realistic though.
...always got to be prepared for the worst :]
Monday, 26 December 2011
Thursday, 15 December 2011
wishful thinking
went on a date with KS lookalike the other day, it went really well, we had lots to talk about and he was affectionate, almost too affectionate that it made me feel a bit awkward but it was still nice.
after dinner, coffee (gelati for me) and chats we adjourned to the backseat of his car and made out.
he told me i was beautiful.
i was home alone the next night and he came over.
inevitably thing ended up in bed, he went down on me and i gave him a handjob.
he was pretty good at it, i didn't come, close but no...
so haven't heard from him much since.
funny that.
i'm trying not to give anything to negative but idk given past experiences i'm expecting him to disappear.
i don't want him to but best to be prepared.
after dinner, coffee (gelati for me) and chats we adjourned to the backseat of his car and made out.
he told me i was beautiful.
i was home alone the next night and he came over.
inevitably thing ended up in bed, he went down on me and i gave him a handjob.
he was pretty good at it, i didn't come, close but no...
so haven't heard from him much since.
funny that.
i'm trying not to give anything to negative but idk given past experiences i'm expecting him to disappear.
i don't want him to but best to be prepared.
Friday, 2 December 2011
sigh, eat, regret later
so i ate all the cookie dough.
i mostly now just feel sick.
still lonely.
its nice weather, i would want to do something with someone but i have no one.
my sister has been with her boyfriend for 3 years and she told me she is 98% sure she wants to be with him forever. she always has someone, she's had someone since she was 15/16 and had her first long term relationship she has pretty much gone from one relationship to another since then, she has never dated or been rejected.
i've always been alone.
i haven't heard from that guy, tbh i wouldn't want to; i'd just say something depressing to scare him so its probably for the best his obviously not thinking about me.
i'm going to go be depressed on the couch and wallow my life away.
i mostly now just feel sick.
still lonely.
its nice weather, i would want to do something with someone but i have no one.
my sister has been with her boyfriend for 3 years and she told me she is 98% sure she wants to be with him forever. she always has someone, she's had someone since she was 15/16 and had her first long term relationship she has pretty much gone from one relationship to another since then, she has never dated or been rejected.
i've always been alone.
i haven't heard from that guy, tbh i wouldn't want to; i'd just say something depressing to scare him so its probably for the best his obviously not thinking about me.
i'm going to go be depressed on the couch and wallow my life away.
alone, together.
feeling particularly lonely today.
That Guy hurt my feelings, i doubt his aware but i can't seem to shake it, now all i want to do is devour the cookie dough in the fridge.
i had been having a pretty good run and i haven't felt this way in awhile, stats were showing 80% only about 20% not...usually it was about 60/40... 60% not happy....40% happy.
i had plans tonight but as usual they went to shit.
i started talking to someone new on the dating website i'm on, first time in ages.
and his perfect.
older than me.
teacher (i always wanted to fuck the teacher when i was in school, a girl in my year actually did and i was super jealous but i was so fucking ugly when i was 14-15ish it never would have happened)
wears glasses.
like cats.
no all manly, but seems manly enough.
likes the same movies and music as me.
LOOKS LIKE KEVIN SMITH.
for realz, a total doppelganger, though not as large.
and he prefers curvy girls and likes redheads.
only fault i'm yet to come across is that he doesn't have much of a sweet tooth which is quite disappointing as i love to bake.
so yeah his really sweet.
i'm trying not to fuck it up.
we exchanged numbers and i was the first to message, i usually don't like doing that, don't want to across all desperate and too eager.
so after we said goodnight last night i decided i wouldn't be the one to message today so it will be interesting if he messages or not, if he doesn't, idk i can only assume i haven't crossed his mind...which would disappoint me.
but yeah not going to fuck this up.
like i said, i've actually felt happy lately and not so shit about myself (sans today) so i'm hoping finally i am reaping the rewards of that.
trying to keep negative thoughts at bay.
i hope i don't fuck it up.
That Guy hurt my feelings, i doubt his aware but i can't seem to shake it, now all i want to do is devour the cookie dough in the fridge.
i had been having a pretty good run and i haven't felt this way in awhile, stats were showing 80% only about 20% not...usually it was about 60/40... 60% not happy....40% happy.
i had plans tonight but as usual they went to shit.
i started talking to someone new on the dating website i'm on, first time in ages.
and his perfect.
older than me.
teacher (i always wanted to fuck the teacher when i was in school, a girl in my year actually did and i was super jealous but i was so fucking ugly when i was 14-15ish it never would have happened)
wears glasses.
like cats.
no all manly, but seems manly enough.
likes the same movies and music as me.
LOOKS LIKE KEVIN SMITH.
for realz, a total doppelganger, though not as large.
and he prefers curvy girls and likes redheads.
only fault i'm yet to come across is that he doesn't have much of a sweet tooth which is quite disappointing as i love to bake.
so yeah his really sweet.
i'm trying not to fuck it up.
we exchanged numbers and i was the first to message, i usually don't like doing that, don't want to across all desperate and too eager.
so after we said goodnight last night i decided i wouldn't be the one to message today so it will be interesting if he messages or not, if he doesn't, idk i can only assume i haven't crossed his mind...which would disappoint me.
but yeah not going to fuck this up.
like i said, i've actually felt happy lately and not so shit about myself (sans today) so i'm hoping finally i am reaping the rewards of that.
trying to keep negative thoughts at bay.
i hope i don't fuck it up.
Wednesday, 23 November 2011
audience of one.
i've grown pretty accustomed to doing things alone.
movies, shopping, appointments, sleeping, (sex... :/ ) etc etc...
and for the most part i don't mind, sometimes its easier to just be in my own company than having to entertain or worrying about someone else.
but not all the time,
its coming up to summer and there are lot of events going on and i have no one to go with to anything.
i have a few friends but our interests rarely overlap and i'm left with the choice of going alone or not going at all and i'm really getting sick of the latter options; there have been COUNTLESS events i have missed on because of this and it makes me angry that my lack of company causes me to miss out completely.
it really makes me sad that i don't have someone that gets just as excited as me about different concerts and shows and that when something comes up its not instant excitement but mostly disappointment that its just another event i'll miss out on.
usually i have to either beg someone or offer to go halvzies in their ticket.
idk it just makes me sad.
it makes me realise just how alone i am or just how disconnected i am from the people that are in my life.
all these feelings were dug up earlier today.
i visited Kevin Smith's twitter every few days and was supper giddy to see that their bringing their 'Jay and Silent Bob' podcast show to .................... and that the show in my capital city was the day after my 22nd birthday.
i had previously been texting That Guy about random crap when i told him this, he knows a little about my KS infatuation, but i've kept most of it to myself (ie. i haven't let slip that over the weekend i made a new vision board and included a picture of him on it...not so much in the way that i want him, i mean he is very nice to look at but more what he represents; he seems like a genuinelly decent guy, smart, funny and his a good husband and father. thats what i want) and i know that That Guy likes KS' movies (he was in his mid 20's in the 90's) so i asked if he would be interested.
he asked who was paying and i said he should be paying considering it was my birthday (haha) or alternativly, the event wasn't until april so i could get tickets (the presale had started) and he could just pay me back. but i mean come on, tickets were like $80 and the guy has a full time job, i have no job and i can afford it.
he wrote back that to be honest he wasn;t really interested in listening to KS talk for hours.
i should have been expecting this response but idk i was hopeful.
i tried to guilt him by saying thanks i'll just be alone on my birthday and he called me emo.
it really annoys me when he does this, he thinks that having any emotions is 'emo'
i responsed; i'm not being emo, i never have anyone to go to events too, i either have to go by myself or miss out. excuse me for having a normal human emotion.
blah blah.
but it did get me down and the eyes watered for a minute or two.
so it looks like i'm going by myself.
its better than not going at all i suppose, its now my birthday present to myself, but it sucks not having anyone to turn too and share the experience with.
what makes me the most sad is that i feel i have no choice but to be alone, i ask and invite people to do things with me, they just never want too.
but i suppose all these experiences are probably preparing me for an existance spent alone.
movies, shopping, appointments, sleeping, (sex... :/ ) etc etc...
and for the most part i don't mind, sometimes its easier to just be in my own company than having to entertain or worrying about someone else.
but not all the time,
its coming up to summer and there are lot of events going on and i have no one to go with to anything.
i have a few friends but our interests rarely overlap and i'm left with the choice of going alone or not going at all and i'm really getting sick of the latter options; there have been COUNTLESS events i have missed on because of this and it makes me angry that my lack of company causes me to miss out completely.
it really makes me sad that i don't have someone that gets just as excited as me about different concerts and shows and that when something comes up its not instant excitement but mostly disappointment that its just another event i'll miss out on.
usually i have to either beg someone or offer to go halvzies in their ticket.
idk it just makes me sad.
it makes me realise just how alone i am or just how disconnected i am from the people that are in my life.
all these feelings were dug up earlier today.
i visited Kevin Smith's twitter every few days and was supper giddy to see that their bringing their 'Jay and Silent Bob' podcast show to .................... and that the show in my capital city was the day after my 22nd birthday.
i had previously been texting That Guy about random crap when i told him this, he knows a little about my KS infatuation, but i've kept most of it to myself (ie. i haven't let slip that over the weekend i made a new vision board and included a picture of him on it...not so much in the way that i want him, i mean he is very nice to look at but more what he represents; he seems like a genuinelly decent guy, smart, funny and his a good husband and father. thats what i want) and i know that That Guy likes KS' movies (he was in his mid 20's in the 90's) so i asked if he would be interested.
he asked who was paying and i said he should be paying considering it was my birthday (haha) or alternativly, the event wasn't until april so i could get tickets (the presale had started) and he could just pay me back. but i mean come on, tickets were like $80 and the guy has a full time job, i have no job and i can afford it.
he wrote back that to be honest he wasn;t really interested in listening to KS talk for hours.
i should have been expecting this response but idk i was hopeful.
i tried to guilt him by saying thanks i'll just be alone on my birthday and he called me emo.
it really annoys me when he does this, he thinks that having any emotions is 'emo'
i responsed; i'm not being emo, i never have anyone to go to events too, i either have to go by myself or miss out. excuse me for having a normal human emotion.
blah blah.
but it did get me down and the eyes watered for a minute or two.
so it looks like i'm going by myself.
its better than not going at all i suppose, its now my birthday present to myself, but it sucks not having anyone to turn too and share the experience with.
what makes me the most sad is that i feel i have no choice but to be alone, i ask and invite people to do things with me, they just never want too.
but i suppose all these experiences are probably preparing me for an existance spent alone.
Monday, 21 November 2011
respect.
i just received an interesting text message.
i was expecting it to be a friend confirming the movies for tomorrow night, or That Boy with some random...whatever, so it goes with him.
but no.
it was from this guy i met in japan when i was there about 18 months ago.
i went there by myself, it was my first trip overseas. it was actually spontaneous, i had been feeling like i wanted to run away and this provided a good opportunity.
i met him at the airport bus stop, we were waiting to get a shuttle bus to the similar area.
we were on the same flight.
it was a bit of a thrill for me as we just struck up conversation, at the time this had never happened to me and had only spoken to guys when drunk in a dark nightclub, not blindingly sober after an 12 hour flight on a humid Tokyo night.
so we exchanged numbers and said we'd catch up one night.
and we did the next night.
he was there for business and we caught up after he was done with a business dinner.
we went out and drank.
it was stupid of me at the time, but it was so nice to talk to a guy and feel like you get along.
we bar hopped a bit, he bought the drinks, saying he'd write it off as a business expense.
we ended up at a Geisha karaoke bar drinking whiskey.
if i take away the hurt that was to come, it was actually fun.
he met me at my hotel and by this time we had made our way closer to his.
i was so wasted by then, i don't even remember.
but you know, i ended up in his room.
we started making out and i remember saying i didn't want to go any further...urgh, whatever.
one consolation is that he at least had the embarrassment of having to buy condoms in a foreign country. (i think i've briefly covered this...)
so yeah, we fucked.
i don't really remember it, i do remember him shoving his cock in my face.
anyway we fucked again in the morning, he again shoved his cock in my face, but i declined.
he said to let him know when i was done for the day.
i mean, i totally understand this was just a fuck thing, but i figured since we were both alone in a foreign country it was kinda nice having someone you at least vaguely know to perhaps kill a few hours with and i knew the second he left, i'd never hear from him again and i was fine with that.
the next day i got done with a day tour, i went back to my hotel and texted him i was done. i was absolutely exhausted getting hardly any sleep the night before (obvz...) but i figured i'd be going out later so i fell asleep in my make up and woke up every few hours to check both my phone and make up.
i received a text later that night simply saying 'business dinners run late. sorry'
i didn't however, interpret this as him blowing me off.
saturday he was leaving, i was going to a Kabuki performance, i sent him one last text even stupidly including that if he was ever in .............. to give me a call.
he never wrote back.
and i deleted his number.
it really hurt my feelings, it was the first time i had been blatantly used and that everything that had occurred that night prior to us sleeping together meant nothing.
i thought i was making a breakthrough, it was just a major sleep back.
i sulked all saturday and wanted to go home.
its surprising what being screwed over in a foreign country (literally) can make you wish you were home more than anything.
anyway i left 2 days later.
it was educational to say the least.
so anyway, tonight.
i received a text message from him. i'm surprised he kept my number.
there was a basic intro.
and then the kicker- 'so you said to give you a call when i'm in ......... i'll be there in 2 weeks, does the offer still stand?'
i could have said yes and slept with him to settle my animal urges.
but no, he hurt me and treated me like shit.
so i sent back- 'considering how things went down in Japan, i don't think so.'
him- 'ok no worries' like it was all cool. urgh.
me - 'you can delete my number. i get i may have a one night stand but you could have treated me with some respect'
as in writing back and saying, sorry can't see you again, thanks for the fun night.
thats all he had to do, but apparently i wasn't even worth that, so his not worth sticking his (probably small...i can't remember) dick in me.
him- 'deleted'
the insecure, desperate part of me wanted to say yes.
but i know i did the right thing, i treated myself with respect.
woot.
i was expecting it to be a friend confirming the movies for tomorrow night, or That Boy with some random...whatever, so it goes with him.
but no.
it was from this guy i met in japan when i was there about 18 months ago.
i went there by myself, it was my first trip overseas. it was actually spontaneous, i had been feeling like i wanted to run away and this provided a good opportunity.
i met him at the airport bus stop, we were waiting to get a shuttle bus to the similar area.
we were on the same flight.
it was a bit of a thrill for me as we just struck up conversation, at the time this had never happened to me and had only spoken to guys when drunk in a dark nightclub, not blindingly sober after an 12 hour flight on a humid Tokyo night.
so we exchanged numbers and said we'd catch up one night.
and we did the next night.
he was there for business and we caught up after he was done with a business dinner.
we went out and drank.
it was stupid of me at the time, but it was so nice to talk to a guy and feel like you get along.
we bar hopped a bit, he bought the drinks, saying he'd write it off as a business expense.
we ended up at a Geisha karaoke bar drinking whiskey.
if i take away the hurt that was to come, it was actually fun.
he met me at my hotel and by this time we had made our way closer to his.
i was so wasted by then, i don't even remember.
but you know, i ended up in his room.
we started making out and i remember saying i didn't want to go any further...urgh, whatever.
one consolation is that he at least had the embarrassment of having to buy condoms in a foreign country. (i think i've briefly covered this...)
so yeah, we fucked.
i don't really remember it, i do remember him shoving his cock in my face.
anyway we fucked again in the morning, he again shoved his cock in my face, but i declined.
he said to let him know when i was done for the day.
i mean, i totally understand this was just a fuck thing, but i figured since we were both alone in a foreign country it was kinda nice having someone you at least vaguely know to perhaps kill a few hours with and i knew the second he left, i'd never hear from him again and i was fine with that.
the next day i got done with a day tour, i went back to my hotel and texted him i was done. i was absolutely exhausted getting hardly any sleep the night before (obvz...) but i figured i'd be going out later so i fell asleep in my make up and woke up every few hours to check both my phone and make up.
i received a text later that night simply saying 'business dinners run late. sorry'
i didn't however, interpret this as him blowing me off.
saturday he was leaving, i was going to a Kabuki performance, i sent him one last text even stupidly including that if he was ever in .............. to give me a call.
he never wrote back.
and i deleted his number.
it really hurt my feelings, it was the first time i had been blatantly used and that everything that had occurred that night prior to us sleeping together meant nothing.
i thought i was making a breakthrough, it was just a major sleep back.
i sulked all saturday and wanted to go home.
its surprising what being screwed over in a foreign country (literally) can make you wish you were home more than anything.
anyway i left 2 days later.
it was educational to say the least.
so anyway, tonight.
i received a text message from him. i'm surprised he kept my number.
there was a basic intro.
and then the kicker- 'so you said to give you a call when i'm in ......... i'll be there in 2 weeks, does the offer still stand?'
i could have said yes and slept with him to settle my animal urges.
but no, he hurt me and treated me like shit.
so i sent back- 'considering how things went down in Japan, i don't think so.'
him- 'ok no worries' like it was all cool. urgh.
me - 'you can delete my number. i get i may have a one night stand but you could have treated me with some respect'
as in writing back and saying, sorry can't see you again, thanks for the fun night.
thats all he had to do, but apparently i wasn't even worth that, so his not worth sticking his (probably small...i can't remember) dick in me.
him- 'deleted'
the insecure, desperate part of me wanted to say yes.
but i know i did the right thing, i treated myself with respect.
woot.
Thursday, 10 November 2011
such a joke...
for regular readers (haha) you'd remember in the post the other day i mentioned that i have plans both tonight and tomorrow...
in a span of like 30 minutes, there both ruined.
lol i just don't understand why things are always so hard?
tonight i was meant to be going to a friend's 30th birthday, the plan was that i was going to catch a train to the inner city where another friend of mine works and we were then going to drive together, she always lives somewhat near me so she was also going to drop me home.
i got home from the gym and i was in such a good mood because i was looking forward to my weekend.
i then got a text from this friend saying sorry she's sick in bed and won't be able to make it.
obviously her being sick isn't her fault and i'm not at all annoyed at her.
its just the situation.
so idk what to do now, do i get the train in? which would involve a 45 min train ride, followed by a tram to a place i don't even know where i'm going and would take over an hour.
getting home is obvious a problem and would involve the tram and train by myself late at night or an $80 cab ride home.
and theres also the fact that aside from the bday girl, shes the only other person i would know.
i have been out with the bday girl and some of her friends before and their nice and welcoming so i don't think me not having fun would be a problem so much.
so idk.
and then saturday night, i'm going to my friend's brother's 18th.
we're going to a club in the city and getting a limo from their house.
my friend that lives near me, we were going to carpool.
she messages me before and is all -idk i'm sick so i don't think i'll drink and just drive in so we can leave whenever plus i don't want to pay for the limo.
urgh. i really like this friend but shes such a downer.
she never wants to go out and when we are out she never wants to drink and always wants to go home early.
i understand clubs aren't for everyone but we go out so infrequently, just have a few drinks and a dance and just enjoy yourself, she never seems to have fun and it annoys me.
i don't want to drive in with her and i don't want to leave early.
i want to get wasted and dance all night.
plus she works full time and the limo is like $30.
whatever i still think i'm going to go to this friends house with or without her and get the limo.
its just such a joke, all i wanted to do was have fun this weekend and its already turned to shit and is too hard.
i'll probably just bail on tonight
...
just talked to my sister, she said i should still go, get the train and tram in and she would be willing to pick me up later.
grr idk, it all seems like too much effort.
if i did bail on tonight i don't think my friend would mind and would understand and it just means that we can just catch up another time.
screw my friend tonight tomorrow, i'm def getting the limo.
idk going to think about tonight a bit longer.
just having that conversation with my sister has made me feel better, its amazing what happens when you can actually talk to someone...
in a span of like 30 minutes, there both ruined.
lol i just don't understand why things are always so hard?
tonight i was meant to be going to a friend's 30th birthday, the plan was that i was going to catch a train to the inner city where another friend of mine works and we were then going to drive together, she always lives somewhat near me so she was also going to drop me home.
i got home from the gym and i was in such a good mood because i was looking forward to my weekend.
i then got a text from this friend saying sorry she's sick in bed and won't be able to make it.
obviously her being sick isn't her fault and i'm not at all annoyed at her.
its just the situation.
so idk what to do now, do i get the train in? which would involve a 45 min train ride, followed by a tram to a place i don't even know where i'm going and would take over an hour.
getting home is obvious a problem and would involve the tram and train by myself late at night or an $80 cab ride home.
and theres also the fact that aside from the bday girl, shes the only other person i would know.
i have been out with the bday girl and some of her friends before and their nice and welcoming so i don't think me not having fun would be a problem so much.
so idk.
and then saturday night, i'm going to my friend's brother's 18th.
we're going to a club in the city and getting a limo from their house.
my friend that lives near me, we were going to carpool.
she messages me before and is all -idk i'm sick so i don't think i'll drink and just drive in so we can leave whenever plus i don't want to pay for the limo.
urgh. i really like this friend but shes such a downer.
she never wants to go out and when we are out she never wants to drink and always wants to go home early.
i understand clubs aren't for everyone but we go out so infrequently, just have a few drinks and a dance and just enjoy yourself, she never seems to have fun and it annoys me.
i don't want to drive in with her and i don't want to leave early.
i want to get wasted and dance all night.
plus she works full time and the limo is like $30.
whatever i still think i'm going to go to this friends house with or without her and get the limo.
its just such a joke, all i wanted to do was have fun this weekend and its already turned to shit and is too hard.
i'll probably just bail on tonight
...
just talked to my sister, she said i should still go, get the train and tram in and she would be willing to pick me up later.
grr idk, it all seems like too much effort.
if i did bail on tonight i don't think my friend would mind and would understand and it just means that we can just catch up another time.
screw my friend tonight tomorrow, i'm def getting the limo.
idk going to think about tonight a bit longer.
just having that conversation with my sister has made me feel better, its amazing what happens when you can actually talk to someone...
inconvenient
having a breakdown when i should be sleeping.
i wish i could cry out loud...or talk to someone.
i wish i could cry out loud...or talk to someone.
Wednesday, 9 November 2011
longing; idiot.
so, i'm thinking about That Guy.
i know, lame.
sometimes i can deal with the fact that we're just friends and nothing more will ever happen between us and other times i miss him so much.
not entirely sure why i miss him as he never really did anything overly impressive to deserve the feelings i had towards him...or maybe thats why i liked him so much.
once in a text message i hinted towards the fact that i still kinda liked him or that i had moments of liking him; these moments generally occurred when in his own way, he was being sweet (in reality he was treating me like a human being, but you know since my expectations are so low...)
he was quick to say he'd never mention what i said again, so i think my chances are pretty slim...
but thats the thing.
i understand that we're not good together and considering the way he treated me, i'm not particularly interested in repeating the past (its nice to know i'm not that stupid)
so why do i miss him so much?
pathetically, i think its just because he was nice to me.
he was the first guy that was nice to me (before he wasn't not so nice) he made me feel liked & pretty (for a short period of time) and as i've mentioned; gave amazing cuddles and kisses.
so idk maybe its not so much him i miss but the idea of him, although when i think of my ideal guy he does kind of come to mind.
he is one of the most adorable guys i've seen and i always thought we were perfectly matched physically, that if anyone were to assume we were a couple, we would be a good looking one.
he has all the attributes most appealing to me, his got the cutest face, but wouldn't be attractive to everyone (thats totally fine with me, i like them a bit left of center) brown hair, glasses (URGH love glasses, i think if i were to have a fetish, it would be glasses) discreet tattoos, owned cats, geeky and in the beginning he made me feel so pretty, he gave so many compliments.
i guess i miss him because i miss having someone around and his the only guy i've been even vaguely close to, i can only assume if i'd been close to anyone else i would have a selection to miss and pine over.
i wish he missed me too, but i bet he doesn't even think about me that way.
idk i just crave to be close to someone, i don't really think in a desperate (if i was so desperate why haven't i bothered even attempting going on a date in months? urgh the thought of meeting a stranger and having to act all charming and likeable so no result? torture to me right now, besides; the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result)
but idk, i'd love a hug (here we go, full circle...)
just be to close to someone and feel some affection...urgh i crave that.
i've actually considered asking That Guy to give me said cuddles(and possibly kisses,) with the understanding that it wouldn't mean a thing. but i don't think even i could be that pathetic.
one day, hopefully soon with someone that actually likes me.
i really don't want to become numb and lose whatever someone may find special about me.
once in primary school, a girl and i were in the sports equipment storage room, we were sitting on top of these big mats, despite only being like 10 years old, she gave off a really skanky vibe, like she'd be pregnant by 16, just one of those girls that oozed sexuality.
and idk what we were talking about but she said to me ''i can't imagine you ever being a guy.''
sadly i can't help but agree.
i really can't imagine me having a boyfriend. for someone to like...all this, all i am physically and emotionally, would take someone i doubt even exists.
its all i want though.
laaaaaame.
Tuesday, 8 November 2011
sleep now
can't sleep.
figured maybe if i spewed out some nonsense it would help me sleep.
although my sleeping pattern has been kinda fucked up lately, i've been staying up till 12 or so re-watching Veronica Mars (no, not because its a show Kevin Smith digs...i've had the dvd's for years...)
and then it takes me like 2 hours so more to get to sleep, i then get up at about 8 to hit the gym, i'll then fall asleep in the early evening and have a bit of a power nap so by the time it comes around to actual appropriate sleep time; i'm awake and alert. annoying.
and it doesn't really help that its starting to get hot here, its barely over 25 degrees and i sweat in my room doing nothing, so not looking forward to it being like 35 degrees...
when i'm struggling to sleep lots of stuff goes through my mind, like my lack of job and what i'm going to do about that (i maybe getting a seasonal job from late december to march, pays really good so heres hoping) and things i have to do but have been putting off and just all different kinds of scenarios, for example; this job, i'm already imagining what it will be like, what i'll wear, how much i'm going to sweat (its a job on a farm, i'm on the front desk, which is open air and seems to have no air con...)
i do this with everything, pretty much every event in my life, dates especially; but i don't go as far as to imagine our wedding... i create these expectations with my daydreams and when it becomes reality, it generally sucks as i'm disappointed; self sabotage much? (although since i'm dredging up all the negative about this possible job, i'm hoping it wouldn't end up being so bad....if i get it...so what i mean? setting myself up for failure...)
so when my mind is swimming i try to focus on something to calm it, generally i think about a lovely boy i'm being close too, obvz that boy of choice has lately been Kev Smith....but i don't have the best imagination for fantasy; it takes me ages to make them up and i generally get stuck on like what i'm wearing and what i look like, like am i skinny or normal? (as in fat; what i am) and then i have trouble imagining myself skinny...
i've started on a fantasy that KS and i meet at a film event at ACMI, i get there early and his already there, the place is pretty much empty and oh; guess what? we're sitting next to each other...but, yet again, i'm stuck on my outfit choice....there are so many options.
but pretty much we start to talking and well, we're just smitten with each other, the film event turns into a shy invitation from mr. KS of dumplings to which he takes me to a hidden restaurant tucked away in a seduced alley...the alley in which we later make out in, my back against the wall...and the best thing, he asks me out again.
*sigh.
when that scenario is too much i pretty much just imagine myself in my bed making out with someone, doesn't really matter who, just imagining being close to annnnyone is good.
or that still too hard, i go back to memories from That Boy, but then that gets me to thinking about when things went beyond just making out and i cringe and feel stupid and i started thinking all this other stuff... and that can sometimes lead to tears...
but anyway, i do eventually fall asleep, i'm hoping tonight it will be before 1.30...
so i'm going out this weekend, twice...why does that always happen? literally go months with no plans and all of a sudden 2 nights in a row?
i'm hoping to at least make out with someone once...its been months since i kissed someone, even a drunken, meaningless kiss would suffice.
i'm thinking i'm feeling my eyes becoming droop...
sleep now; take me to my happy place, a heavy petting sess with KS followed by him going down on me...
figured maybe if i spewed out some nonsense it would help me sleep.
although my sleeping pattern has been kinda fucked up lately, i've been staying up till 12 or so re-watching Veronica Mars (no, not because its a show Kevin Smith digs...i've had the dvd's for years...)
and then it takes me like 2 hours so more to get to sleep, i then get up at about 8 to hit the gym, i'll then fall asleep in the early evening and have a bit of a power nap so by the time it comes around to actual appropriate sleep time; i'm awake and alert. annoying.
and it doesn't really help that its starting to get hot here, its barely over 25 degrees and i sweat in my room doing nothing, so not looking forward to it being like 35 degrees...
when i'm struggling to sleep lots of stuff goes through my mind, like my lack of job and what i'm going to do about that (i maybe getting a seasonal job from late december to march, pays really good so heres hoping) and things i have to do but have been putting off and just all different kinds of scenarios, for example; this job, i'm already imagining what it will be like, what i'll wear, how much i'm going to sweat (its a job on a farm, i'm on the front desk, which is open air and seems to have no air con...)
i do this with everything, pretty much every event in my life, dates especially; but i don't go as far as to imagine our wedding... i create these expectations with my daydreams and when it becomes reality, it generally sucks as i'm disappointed; self sabotage much? (although since i'm dredging up all the negative about this possible job, i'm hoping it wouldn't end up being so bad....if i get it...so what i mean? setting myself up for failure...)
so when my mind is swimming i try to focus on something to calm it, generally i think about a lovely boy i'm being close too, obvz that boy of choice has lately been Kev Smith....but i don't have the best imagination for fantasy; it takes me ages to make them up and i generally get stuck on like what i'm wearing and what i look like, like am i skinny or normal? (as in fat; what i am) and then i have trouble imagining myself skinny...
i've started on a fantasy that KS and i meet at a film event at ACMI, i get there early and his already there, the place is pretty much empty and oh; guess what? we're sitting next to each other...but, yet again, i'm stuck on my outfit choice....there are so many options.
but pretty much we start to talking and well, we're just smitten with each other, the film event turns into a shy invitation from mr. KS of dumplings to which he takes me to a hidden restaurant tucked away in a seduced alley...the alley in which we later make out in, my back against the wall...and the best thing, he asks me out again.
*sigh.
when that scenario is too much i pretty much just imagine myself in my bed making out with someone, doesn't really matter who, just imagining being close to annnnyone is good.
or that still too hard, i go back to memories from That Boy, but then that gets me to thinking about when things went beyond just making out and i cringe and feel stupid and i started thinking all this other stuff... and that can sometimes lead to tears...
but anyway, i do eventually fall asleep, i'm hoping tonight it will be before 1.30...
so i'm going out this weekend, twice...why does that always happen? literally go months with no plans and all of a sudden 2 nights in a row?
i'm hoping to at least make out with someone once...its been months since i kissed someone, even a drunken, meaningless kiss would suffice.
i'm thinking i'm feeling my eyes becoming droop...
sleep now; take me to my happy place, a heavy petting sess with KS followed by him going down on me...
Saturday, 5 November 2011
a nice moment
last tuesday was a public holiday for the state i live in.
i had just returned from a week long holiday in bali for my mum's 50th birthday.
for the most part; i had a really good time...i may or may not write about it one day here.
i decided to host a little tea party for 2 of my friends to have a bit of a catch up.
i was getting ready and went outside to put some rubbish in the bins.
i was already dressed and wearing a pair of black harlem pants, grey singlet top with a sheer navy shirt over the top. my hair was out and kinda dirty (it sits better that way) and little make up.
i actually thought i looked good.
i was putting the rubbish in the bin when across the street i saw a boy, probably around my age or so, walking. and he checked me out and; he actually looked like my type, an even bigger compliment.
i don't think or very much doubt i have ever been 'checked out' before, in my opinion i possess no womanly charms.
i was walking back to my door when i looked one more time and he was looking too.
it was sooo nice.
i had just returned from a week long holiday in bali for my mum's 50th birthday.
for the most part; i had a really good time...i may or may not write about it one day here.
i decided to host a little tea party for 2 of my friends to have a bit of a catch up.
i was getting ready and went outside to put some rubbish in the bins.
i was already dressed and wearing a pair of black harlem pants, grey singlet top with a sheer navy shirt over the top. my hair was out and kinda dirty (it sits better that way) and little make up.
i actually thought i looked good.
i was putting the rubbish in the bin when across the street i saw a boy, probably around my age or so, walking. and he checked me out and; he actually looked like my type, an even bigger compliment.
i don't think or very much doubt i have ever been 'checked out' before, in my opinion i possess no womanly charms.
i was walking back to my door when i looked one more time and he was looking too.
it was sooo nice.
Friday, 7 October 2011
bed (& sex)
i love my bed, if i could have my way i would conduct all my business from bed and never leave.
watching dvds in bed is all time fav.
or reading in silence with the sun streaming through my curtains. this is even more satisfying when my room is clean and everything is in place, there is a candle burning and my cat is sleeping next to me, it makes it extra peaceful that way.
lately i've been wanting to use my bed for less innocent activities...
i want to get laid.
i'm not really one for casual sex, it has been something i was engaged in in the past; to less than desirable results.
the first time i had sex with a stranger was when i was in japan about 18 months ago, we got talking at the airport bus stop and had (a lot) of drinks the next night, morally loose me said while making out in his hotel room, i didn't want to go any further, next thing i knew he was down in the lobby buying condoms. considering his treatment of me after this drunk fuck (which i barely remember) i am glad to know that while buying some sushi and green iced tea from a vendor is rather easy, purchasing condoms; not so much.
it was mostly disappointing as it was the first time i had spoken to a guy sober and we actually had a nice conversation and given his body language i could tell he was interested (in my pussy it turned out) and the next night when we went out i thought we genuinely got along well. it was disappointing when it became obvious to me that i had been used.
i then went through a phase where i thought the only way i could get a guy to like me was to sleep with him. i joined an adult 'dating' site as i mostly just wanted to feel pretty and i actually got a lot of requests.
i didn't really think i would go ahead with anything until a really cute guy expressed interest.
after arrangements were made for him to come to my house later that evening it was surreal and i was nervous as fuck...but excited.
(unfortunately) he was dream guy material; architect, glasses, dark hair, varsity style jacket. post coital, it was discovered we were both at the strokes concert a few weeks before.
too bad he was just here with the intention of just fucking me than getting to know me.
but the whole thing kinda made me feel sexy and wanted.
even better, i didn't even need to touch or suck his cock, he was good to go. a nice ego boost.
the fucking was pretty good, after he came he tried to make me come, but to no avail.
idk while when a guy goes down on me, it obviously feels good, really good. but not enough for me to finish, unless their down there for a lonnng time but even then i feel like giving up.
after he left, i felt like i should finish myself off; it took like 20 minutes. wtf.
i'm fairly inexperienced and still don't really have any clue as to what i'm doing. like i'm not really sure what i like and i can't quite get the words out to say what i like.
and i think i also need to feel connected to the guy, like they care about me and what i want and i feel totally comfortable with them, i think because of how self conscious i am, i really struggle to relax completely and thats probs why i can't come, with a guy anyway, i can make myself come (geez just in case you were wondering.)
and we're not fucking; but making love.
i've never made love, just fucked.
i've really only slept with people that don't care about me.
only 2 of the 7 or so guys i've slept with have actually kinda mattered. urgh sounds so bad but i'm not even sure what my number is as i've decided to block 2 or so out, i'm pretty sure it is 7 but i've decided its actually 5, idk 7 kinda makes me feel like a slut, as i only lost my virginity when i was 19 and i've never had a boyfriend so think 7 is almost a slut made.
the first was obviously the first guy, it wasn't overly special, it just hurt a lot and lasted like 20 seconds because of the pain. but he cared about me and thats all i wanted when poppin' the cherry. my virginity never meant much to me, the care factor was the only perquisite.
the second was 'that boy' (see post below) because of whole dating thing i suppose and because i did actually like him.
he wasn't able to make me come though; he almost did once. he was fingering me and i was getting really close, he was working the clit and then stopped and i actually had the guts to tell him to keep going with that but idk, he didn't hear me or whatever (i probably said it really quietly, saying 'clit' out loud or any sexual word or phrase; 'cock' 'keep fucking me like that' just makes me feel real shy) and yeah he eventually stopped. boo.
the entire time we were dating we had sex probably like 3 times, idk i don't want to be mean, but i think he had problems with...you know.
i'm really hoping its not because i'm incapable of arousing an erection.
and it had no feeling or emotions in it, he was just thrusting away; i could have been anyone...or anything. which is a shame.
but he was a fucking good kisser.
ok i just remembered this so let me redeem him, he came over one morning and we got down in my bed, it was actually really fun, pretty much i've only ever been in the missionary position, but i discovered i really liked being on top. similarly, when a guy is going down on me, i don't feel much when i've got a cock inside me, idk i kinda do, but obviously its different to the having your clit flicked; but i really like the feeling of being 'full' particularly when its with a guy i actually liked, and i while riding him, i actually felt something really good going on down there.
so that was a fun time.
so yeah, its been like 10 months since i had the cock (with 'that boy') and tbh, i've been craving it lately.
right now, sucking a cock would go down pretty well.
they could even come in my mouth if i then quickly swallow it, semen tastes gross y'all and i'm already pretty squeamish (i struggle to not make a face of disgust when a guy kisses me after being down there and i actually think in terms of smell and what not i'm pretty down there, but i don't want to taste my lips on their lips...on my lips) the first time a guy came in my mouth, i almost dry wrenched and it came back out again, thats the only time thats happened, so for future reference; i will be swallowing quickly.
so i've been feeling pretty up for it lately, but idk what to do about it.
masturbating has kinda lost its appeal (although tbh, i prolly will after this post) as i really want to be with someone else, to kiss someone and suck their cock (!) have someone go down on me and fill me with cock and just fuck; i'm at a point where i'm in the mood to fuck, not make love.
but idk, i don't think i really want to go down the whole casual sex road again, it just makes me feel like shit as i want to have sex with feeling and it would also mean getting a wax and actually finding someone.
so what am i suppose to do? wait until i meet someone? i have pretty much given up on that, if i wait to even be dating someone so its not totally random. i'm sure that will be years away.
but idk maybe because i do just feel like fucking, casual sex wouldn't be too bad, i just need to treat it as a fuck.
idk given i can mostly be all talk and no action, there will be no action to be made.
sigh.
well this post has definitely been more about sex than expected, but idk maybe it will get me some more visitors; not that i'm really writing this for that, this is a totally self indulgent blog remember?
but its def more fun to read about sex then how much of sad sack i am.
watching dvds in bed is all time fav.
or reading in silence with the sun streaming through my curtains. this is even more satisfying when my room is clean and everything is in place, there is a candle burning and my cat is sleeping next to me, it makes it extra peaceful that way.
lately i've been wanting to use my bed for less innocent activities...
i want to get laid.
i'm not really one for casual sex, it has been something i was engaged in in the past; to less than desirable results.
the first time i had sex with a stranger was when i was in japan about 18 months ago, we got talking at the airport bus stop and had (a lot) of drinks the next night, morally loose me said while making out in his hotel room, i didn't want to go any further, next thing i knew he was down in the lobby buying condoms. considering his treatment of me after this drunk fuck (which i barely remember) i am glad to know that while buying some sushi and green iced tea from a vendor is rather easy, purchasing condoms; not so much.
it was mostly disappointing as it was the first time i had spoken to a guy sober and we actually had a nice conversation and given his body language i could tell he was interested (in my pussy it turned out) and the next night when we went out i thought we genuinely got along well. it was disappointing when it became obvious to me that i had been used.
i then went through a phase where i thought the only way i could get a guy to like me was to sleep with him. i joined an adult 'dating' site as i mostly just wanted to feel pretty and i actually got a lot of requests.
i didn't really think i would go ahead with anything until a really cute guy expressed interest.
after arrangements were made for him to come to my house later that evening it was surreal and i was nervous as fuck...but excited.
(unfortunately) he was dream guy material; architect, glasses, dark hair, varsity style jacket. post coital, it was discovered we were both at the strokes concert a few weeks before.
too bad he was just here with the intention of just fucking me than getting to know me.
but the whole thing kinda made me feel sexy and wanted.
even better, i didn't even need to touch or suck his cock, he was good to go. a nice ego boost.
the fucking was pretty good, after he came he tried to make me come, but to no avail.
idk while when a guy goes down on me, it obviously feels good, really good. but not enough for me to finish, unless their down there for a lonnng time but even then i feel like giving up.
after he left, i felt like i should finish myself off; it took like 20 minutes. wtf.
i'm fairly inexperienced and still don't really have any clue as to what i'm doing. like i'm not really sure what i like and i can't quite get the words out to say what i like.
and i think i also need to feel connected to the guy, like they care about me and what i want and i feel totally comfortable with them, i think because of how self conscious i am, i really struggle to relax completely and thats probs why i can't come, with a guy anyway, i can make myself come (geez just in case you were wondering.)
and we're not fucking; but making love.
i've never made love, just fucked.
i've really only slept with people that don't care about me.
only 2 of the 7 or so guys i've slept with have actually kinda mattered. urgh sounds so bad but i'm not even sure what my number is as i've decided to block 2 or so out, i'm pretty sure it is 7 but i've decided its actually 5, idk 7 kinda makes me feel like a slut, as i only lost my virginity when i was 19 and i've never had a boyfriend so think 7 is almost a slut made.
the first was obviously the first guy, it wasn't overly special, it just hurt a lot and lasted like 20 seconds because of the pain. but he cared about me and thats all i wanted when poppin' the cherry. my virginity never meant much to me, the care factor was the only perquisite.
the second was 'that boy' (see post below) because of whole dating thing i suppose and because i did actually like him.
he wasn't able to make me come though; he almost did once. he was fingering me and i was getting really close, he was working the clit and then stopped and i actually had the guts to tell him to keep going with that but idk, he didn't hear me or whatever (i probably said it really quietly, saying 'clit' out loud or any sexual word or phrase; 'cock' 'keep fucking me like that' just makes me feel real shy) and yeah he eventually stopped. boo.
the entire time we were dating we had sex probably like 3 times, idk i don't want to be mean, but i think he had problems with...you know.
i'm really hoping its not because i'm incapable of arousing an erection.
and it had no feeling or emotions in it, he was just thrusting away; i could have been anyone...or anything. which is a shame.
but he was a fucking good kisser.
ok i just remembered this so let me redeem him, he came over one morning and we got down in my bed, it was actually really fun, pretty much i've only ever been in the missionary position, but i discovered i really liked being on top. similarly, when a guy is going down on me, i don't feel much when i've got a cock inside me, idk i kinda do, but obviously its different to the having your clit flicked; but i really like the feeling of being 'full' particularly when its with a guy i actually liked, and i while riding him, i actually felt something really good going on down there.
so that was a fun time.
so yeah, its been like 10 months since i had the cock (with 'that boy') and tbh, i've been craving it lately.
right now, sucking a cock would go down pretty well.
they could even come in my mouth if i then quickly swallow it, semen tastes gross y'all and i'm already pretty squeamish (i struggle to not make a face of disgust when a guy kisses me after being down there and i actually think in terms of smell and what not i'm pretty down there, but i don't want to taste my lips on their lips...on my lips) the first time a guy came in my mouth, i almost dry wrenched and it came back out again, thats the only time thats happened, so for future reference; i will be swallowing quickly.
so i've been feeling pretty up for it lately, but idk what to do about it.
masturbating has kinda lost its appeal (although tbh, i prolly will after this post) as i really want to be with someone else, to kiss someone and suck their cock (!) have someone go down on me and fill me with cock and just fuck; i'm at a point where i'm in the mood to fuck, not make love.
but idk, i don't think i really want to go down the whole casual sex road again, it just makes me feel like shit as i want to have sex with feeling and it would also mean getting a wax and actually finding someone.
so what am i suppose to do? wait until i meet someone? i have pretty much given up on that, if i wait to even be dating someone so its not totally random. i'm sure that will be years away.
but idk maybe because i do just feel like fucking, casual sex wouldn't be too bad, i just need to treat it as a fuck.
idk given i can mostly be all talk and no action, there will be no action to be made.
sigh.
well this post has definitely been more about sex than expected, but idk maybe it will get me some more visitors; not that i'm really writing this for that, this is a totally self indulgent blog remember?
but its def more fun to read about sex then how much of sad sack i am.
Wednesday, 5 October 2011
that boy
i'm actually using this blog a lot more than i thought i would.
i thought i would just use it to word vomit all that stuff out the other night, that entry was posted at about 2am in the hopes it would stop my mind from racing and i thought i would leave it at that.
but oh no, i have plenty to bitch and whine and moan about.
i guess this is ultimately a diary, like many blogs are, so it doesn't really make a difference whether its written in a notebook (but it would take ages to write all this stuff down, i haven't written so much since i left high school, i like physically writing and i like seeing other people's hand writing.) although if this were a diary i would include more the sordid details in detail but idk i kinda like airing even just a portion of my dirty laundry, i'm hoping it will help me, while you will suffer (if anyone actually reads this) it may deplete some of mine.
i am feeling a lot better than yesterday, i think it is just in my process to have a total meltdown, lose all logic and perspective and just be a total depressive, over emotional mope.
to say the least, this is hardly an attractive position to see me in.
you'd think because of this; i'd be able to keep this to myself.
no, i have been doing something out of the ordinary for me and exposing myself...fugitively speaking, no one would want to see me expose myself in the literal way.
in my first post i mentioned a boy that i had dated for 2 months, he has proved himself to be an odd (i will use this word a lot to describe him) provider of support.
we were never technically seeing each other too seriously, when this whole thing was starting it all seemed very hopeful. we texted constantly and exchanged photos and he gave me compliments i actually believed.
he took me out on the first date i had ever been on, i instantly felt comfortable around him (i never feel comfortable about guys) and i thought he was sooooo cute.
and i knew he actually liked me as we had arranged to see a movie with no plans afterwards, this then turned into dinner and then a walk and then he asked if he could kiss me (my first sober kiss) and we made out in the carpark next to my car...then in my car...and then again in my car, now parked next to his car. inbetween making out and him feeling me up (outside my clothes) he asked me out again.
i was so smitten, i finally felt liked.
idk i could write about this for ages but i'll try and condense it.
2nd date, awesome.
3rd date, he invited me other to this house, his housemate wasn't home that night so i stayed the night...urgh pains me to say but it was...ok, the beginnings of doubt and paranoia set in.
i had to leave somewhat early as he had somewhere to be, i had hoped we could have had breakfast and spent some more time together.
i instantly began to worry that now he had slept with me he would lose interest in me.
i cried that night.
he didn't...well not completely.
continued to date, but dates became weekly, if that.
he no longer asked for pics and the compliments pretty much stopped, unless i asked and i would eventually, after him saying he couldn't think of anything, drag something out.
i just liked him so much, i think partly because of way he was treating me but i really did love his company and i was almost giddy when seeing him.
i would have major doubts during the days (week) i wouldn't see him but then i would and i would get cuddles and kisses and we genuinely did have a few really nice moments that continue to mean a lot to me and i miss, i knew he liked me. just not enough.
i wish i had been stronger and ended it sooner, my instincts were telling me it wasn't right, but i wasn't listening, i was too wrapped up in the little intimacy we had. i knew in my heart, we should only be friends and we would never be anything more.
but because of the way i am, i thought if i just kept trying, i would charm him and he would like me...enough.
the way he ended it disappointed me, he avoided me for 3 weeks.
text messages got fewer and farther between and i became desperate.
he called me one night, i missed his call, but i knew he was ending it. we had a bit of a cat and mouse game, i would miss him he would miss me.
i finally texted him and said i had had enough.
he was sorry for the way he had treated me, i spent the rest of the day firing questions at him; did he secretly hate holding my hand? did he only invite me other that night because of the convenience of his housemate not being home? i wasn't allowed over otherwise, he said no, but i doubt (unfortunately) this.
i know he sounds like a total asshole, but he isn't, just an asshole of circumstance.
i didn't mention his 35 (i never felt our age gap) and i think just incapable or idk too lazy; to feel more than friendship.
but he did try though and for a short and small period of time, he let me experience intimacy with someone.
he is the reason i now crave cuddles.
despite all this, he is still the nicest any guy has been to me.
and thats why we are still friends.
he let me be angry and pathetic at him, he never turned away.
he has the ability of not letting anything stick to him, he is odd, he intrigues me, he is the kind of person that i would really like to figure out, but i know i never will.
idk i wanted to be the girl that changed him.
i know it sounds like i still like and i kinda do, as i miss those nice times we had, but i know we are not suited.
i struggled for a while with my feelings for him, back and forth between anger and longing.
i realised i missed him, not because i missed him but i missed the feeling i had when we cuddled when i felt safe and even liked. he is merely the vessel.
since entering the friends zone, he has been exposed to my 'darkness' (i don't particularly like that expression for it but i have no idea what else to call it) which i think i kept pretty well under wraps while we were dating...at lest until the end anyway.
while when i feel this way i just want to be feel loved, he actually gives good and proper, if not sarcastic, advice. as he has perspective.
i know i can message him whenever and he has no idea how much that means to me, if it wasn't him, it would be no one.
while in my dark place yesterday, he said to me; one day you will stop being a victim (insert my name here) and i hope its soon. not everything is always your fault.
it doesn't seem like much but i felt at that moment that i was cared about, even in his own odd way.
every now and then after one of these episodes i thank him for being so nice to me.
despite what we have been through and despite what i have said in the past about regretting what we've been through, i wouldn't change it. i am glad i met him, he gives me hope that nice guys do exist and one day a guy will give what i want and need.
but for now, he will still be the nicest any guy has been to me.
and i still miss his cuddles.
i thought i would just use it to word vomit all that stuff out the other night, that entry was posted at about 2am in the hopes it would stop my mind from racing and i thought i would leave it at that.
but oh no, i have plenty to bitch and whine and moan about.
i guess this is ultimately a diary, like many blogs are, so it doesn't really make a difference whether its written in a notebook (but it would take ages to write all this stuff down, i haven't written so much since i left high school, i like physically writing and i like seeing other people's hand writing.) although if this were a diary i would include more the sordid details in detail but idk i kinda like airing even just a portion of my dirty laundry, i'm hoping it will help me, while you will suffer (if anyone actually reads this) it may deplete some of mine.
i am feeling a lot better than yesterday, i think it is just in my process to have a total meltdown, lose all logic and perspective and just be a total depressive, over emotional mope.
to say the least, this is hardly an attractive position to see me in.
you'd think because of this; i'd be able to keep this to myself.
no, i have been doing something out of the ordinary for me and exposing myself...fugitively speaking, no one would want to see me expose myself in the literal way.
in my first post i mentioned a boy that i had dated for 2 months, he has proved himself to be an odd (i will use this word a lot to describe him) provider of support.
we were never technically seeing each other too seriously, when this whole thing was starting it all seemed very hopeful. we texted constantly and exchanged photos and he gave me compliments i actually believed.
he took me out on the first date i had ever been on, i instantly felt comfortable around him (i never feel comfortable about guys) and i thought he was sooooo cute.
and i knew he actually liked me as we had arranged to see a movie with no plans afterwards, this then turned into dinner and then a walk and then he asked if he could kiss me (my first sober kiss) and we made out in the carpark next to my car...then in my car...and then again in my car, now parked next to his car. inbetween making out and him feeling me up (outside my clothes) he asked me out again.
i was so smitten, i finally felt liked.
idk i could write about this for ages but i'll try and condense it.
2nd date, awesome.
3rd date, he invited me other to this house, his housemate wasn't home that night so i stayed the night...urgh pains me to say but it was...ok, the beginnings of doubt and paranoia set in.
i had to leave somewhat early as he had somewhere to be, i had hoped we could have had breakfast and spent some more time together.
i instantly began to worry that now he had slept with me he would lose interest in me.
i cried that night.
he didn't...well not completely.
continued to date, but dates became weekly, if that.
he no longer asked for pics and the compliments pretty much stopped, unless i asked and i would eventually, after him saying he couldn't think of anything, drag something out.
i just liked him so much, i think partly because of way he was treating me but i really did love his company and i was almost giddy when seeing him.
i would have major doubts during the days (week) i wouldn't see him but then i would and i would get cuddles and kisses and we genuinely did have a few really nice moments that continue to mean a lot to me and i miss, i knew he liked me. just not enough.
i wish i had been stronger and ended it sooner, my instincts were telling me it wasn't right, but i wasn't listening, i was too wrapped up in the little intimacy we had. i knew in my heart, we should only be friends and we would never be anything more.
but because of the way i am, i thought if i just kept trying, i would charm him and he would like me...enough.
the way he ended it disappointed me, he avoided me for 3 weeks.
text messages got fewer and farther between and i became desperate.
he called me one night, i missed his call, but i knew he was ending it. we had a bit of a cat and mouse game, i would miss him he would miss me.
i finally texted him and said i had had enough.
he was sorry for the way he had treated me, i spent the rest of the day firing questions at him; did he secretly hate holding my hand? did he only invite me other that night because of the convenience of his housemate not being home? i wasn't allowed over otherwise, he said no, but i doubt (unfortunately) this.
i know he sounds like a total asshole, but he isn't, just an asshole of circumstance.
i didn't mention his 35 (i never felt our age gap) and i think just incapable or idk too lazy; to feel more than friendship.
but he did try though and for a short and small period of time, he let me experience intimacy with someone.
he is the reason i now crave cuddles.
despite all this, he is still the nicest any guy has been to me.
and thats why we are still friends.
he let me be angry and pathetic at him, he never turned away.
he has the ability of not letting anything stick to him, he is odd, he intrigues me, he is the kind of person that i would really like to figure out, but i know i never will.
idk i wanted to be the girl that changed him.
i know it sounds like i still like and i kinda do, as i miss those nice times we had, but i know we are not suited.
i struggled for a while with my feelings for him, back and forth between anger and longing.
i realised i missed him, not because i missed him but i missed the feeling i had when we cuddled when i felt safe and even liked. he is merely the vessel.
since entering the friends zone, he has been exposed to my 'darkness' (i don't particularly like that expression for it but i have no idea what else to call it) which i think i kept pretty well under wraps while we were dating...at lest until the end anyway.
while when i feel this way i just want to be feel loved, he actually gives good and proper, if not sarcastic, advice. as he has perspective.
i know i can message him whenever and he has no idea how much that means to me, if it wasn't him, it would be no one.
while in my dark place yesterday, he said to me; one day you will stop being a victim (insert my name here) and i hope its soon. not everything is always your fault.
it doesn't seem like much but i felt at that moment that i was cared about, even in his own odd way.
every now and then after one of these episodes i thank him for being so nice to me.
despite what we have been through and despite what i have said in the past about regretting what we've been through, i wouldn't change it. i am glad i met him, he gives me hope that nice guys do exist and one day a guy will give what i want and need.
but for now, he will still be the nicest any guy has been to me.
and i still miss his cuddles.
counter attack, still without cuddles
its days like these that i'm not particularly enthusiastic about living.
i just want everything to stop and disappear.
i just want to be left alone.
a turn with my boss, that i ironically predicted.
idk long story, short.
was meant to have a conciliation phone call on tuesday morning, got a call monday afternoon telling me that they hadn't responsed to their request so it will therefor be postponed.
my initial thought was; how stupid.
while a slightly paranoid thought, it occured to me that they was preparing a counter attack.
now i'm sure your thinking; this is pretty dramatic, but you don't know what this person is capable of.
so no surprise today when i recieve a letter; from them.
they had sent me a copy the letter she has sent to Fair Work.
i can only imagine they sent me this letter in an act of bullying and intimidation, a threat to me, to stop what i'm doing.
i would explain in more detail what this letter was about, but atm i just want to block it from my memory.
basically, a counter attack.
i have never claimed to be innocent in this whole process, i know i have done things wrong, but they are just as guilty as me.
i just didn't want them to win.
i wanted to feel like i had achieved some kind of justice after years of suffering and frustration at that job.
right now i'm struggling with whether i want to quit this, a big part of me just wants to lay down and take it, like i don't care who wins, i just want the money they owes me; which they never mentioned in this letter and move on this my life. going to be hard considering i obviously don't have a reference for the job i spent the last 3 years at, nothing suss; i had coworkers as refs but since finding out they have turned on me i pretty much have no one.
i am not a bad person.
but thats how i've been left feeling in this whole process.
i just wanted to try and stand up for myself and every time i have tried to do this, i am smacked back down, repeatedly.
do i even want to get back up?
yeah i'm whining, but why does this stuff happen to me?
why the constant drama and hurt and pain?
just leave me alone to cruise along. i would happily just cruise through life with nothing overly exciting ever happening to me if it was peaceful.
i thought years ago i had hit rock bottom; unable to find a job, spending a year unemployed, have a major personal crisis (not that i'm going to tell you; you WOULD judge me)
i feel like i've taken enough shit for a lifetime, i am 21.
is this what life is like?
if so, no thanks.
back to being a stalker creep, reading Kevin Smith's blog, he talked about being in Vancouver at film school and feeling really lonely as everyone was back home. he said that he felt during that time he was paying this dues, so he'd never have to be alone again.
he now has a loving family and kick ass career.
it made me hope with everything i have that this is what this period in my life is for me.
i'm a good person, i deserve to be atleast semi happy and content.
but do i really? idk, tbh, idk.
a large percentage of me does, as i feel like i have paid my dues.
i have been fucking lonely and miserable for too long.
i cannot wait to be away from this period in life, where i can look back and think 'i got through that and i am so much better for it.' because i'm (atleast semi) happy with myself and life, hopefully with a good job and a loving partner who just fucking adores me and me him.
but right now, i just want to curl up in bed with a movie and die for a bit.
a cuddle would go down well too.
guess a pillow will have to do.
i just want everything to stop and disappear.
i just want to be left alone.
a turn with my boss, that i ironically predicted.
idk long story, short.
was meant to have a conciliation phone call on tuesday morning, got a call monday afternoon telling me that they hadn't responsed to their request so it will therefor be postponed.
my initial thought was; how stupid.
while a slightly paranoid thought, it occured to me that they was preparing a counter attack.
now i'm sure your thinking; this is pretty dramatic, but you don't know what this person is capable of.
so no surprise today when i recieve a letter; from them.
they had sent me a copy the letter she has sent to Fair Work.
i can only imagine they sent me this letter in an act of bullying and intimidation, a threat to me, to stop what i'm doing.
i would explain in more detail what this letter was about, but atm i just want to block it from my memory.
basically, a counter attack.
i have never claimed to be innocent in this whole process, i know i have done things wrong, but they are just as guilty as me.
i just didn't want them to win.
i wanted to feel like i had achieved some kind of justice after years of suffering and frustration at that job.
right now i'm struggling with whether i want to quit this, a big part of me just wants to lay down and take it, like i don't care who wins, i just want the money they owes me; which they never mentioned in this letter and move on this my life. going to be hard considering i obviously don't have a reference for the job i spent the last 3 years at, nothing suss; i had coworkers as refs but since finding out they have turned on me i pretty much have no one.
i am not a bad person.
but thats how i've been left feeling in this whole process.
i just wanted to try and stand up for myself and every time i have tried to do this, i am smacked back down, repeatedly.
do i even want to get back up?
yeah i'm whining, but why does this stuff happen to me?
why the constant drama and hurt and pain?
just leave me alone to cruise along. i would happily just cruise through life with nothing overly exciting ever happening to me if it was peaceful.
i thought years ago i had hit rock bottom; unable to find a job, spending a year unemployed, have a major personal crisis (not that i'm going to tell you; you WOULD judge me)
i feel like i've taken enough shit for a lifetime, i am 21.
is this what life is like?
if so, no thanks.
back to being a stalker creep, reading Kevin Smith's blog, he talked about being in Vancouver at film school and feeling really lonely as everyone was back home. he said that he felt during that time he was paying this dues, so he'd never have to be alone again.
he now has a loving family and kick ass career.
it made me hope with everything i have that this is what this period in my life is for me.
i'm a good person, i deserve to be atleast semi happy and content.
but do i really? idk, tbh, idk.
a large percentage of me does, as i feel like i have paid my dues.
i have been fucking lonely and miserable for too long.
i cannot wait to be away from this period in life, where i can look back and think 'i got through that and i am so much better for it.' because i'm (atleast semi) happy with myself and life, hopefully with a good job and a loving partner who just fucking adores me and me him.
but right now, i just want to curl up in bed with a movie and die for a bit.
a cuddle would go down well too.
guess a pillow will have to do.
Sunday, 2 October 2011
word vomit
this post is bullshit, totally self indulgent bullshit.
i need to vomit a whole load of crap out and if you choose, you will read about it, i do not however expect anyone ever to stumble across this blog...even if they did happen to stumble across it, i doubt they would stick around to read the deets.
i just want to share my pain with someone and i have no one to talk too.
usually i'm pretty good with my spelling and grammar being correct but i really can't be fucked with it right now, so no i'm not retarded, save those opinions for later; i know how to use a semi-colon; ta-da (which i have become a fan of recently) and i know my 'they're' from my 'theirs' and 'theres.'
so basically, i am really depressed.
this has plagued me for about 9 years since i was 12, i am 21.
some of it is circumstance but otherwise i just think its apart of my personality and also my genetics, my grandfather, whom i never meet, committed suicide and its undetermined whether my uncle on the same side also did.
i've experienced these feelings for a very long time, single digits, obviously its completely 'normal' to experience a rollcoaster of emotions but i always had trouble shaking off the sadness.
i'm not a total downer btw, i am fun person, i think i have a great sense of humour, i am caring person and i really love to laugh, i just have a real darkness inside of me.
i have never shared this 'darkness' with anyone, i am very much in my head and i never ask for help.
i don't think its because i'm overly proud, its mostly out of self consciousness and i really don't want to bother anyone, no one wants to hear how depressed someone is.
telling someone how i feel would be very exposing and also very humiliating for me. i fear judgement from others.
blah blah blah.
right now, i just want a hug. i crave affection.
i was fired from my job late august, a fact i was actually glad about as i didn't necessarily hate my job but the problem was my boss. to say the least (and that would probably to the smartest) they were hardly my favourite person it would take a while to explain my feelings in whole about this person, but they doesn't deserve my time.
i worked there for 3 years since i was 18 and i was very good at my job, it was a small business, to which my boss effectively abandoned to those who worked there (me mostly) and i cared way too much (a def downfall in life for me.)
the firing was nasty (wouldn't expect anything less) and even though they is physically out of my life (i don't have to look at their disgustingly smug face) they makes my life hell, urghh can't be bothered with deets, but they haven't paid me entitlements i'm owed and their laxness is preventing me from claiming unemployment. i'm currently in the process of dealing with unfair dismissal.
i really hope for justice, i fanatise about a payout they would have to give me, but if life has taught me anything, i should expect to fail.
i am now very isolated, i have few friends.
i had friends in high school but i wasn't particularly close to anyone and since leaving school those people have dropped off.
lately i have been thinking that there are some i would really like to reconnect with but i feel its too late, i see them on facebook and they all have their own lifes, with new friends and jobs and uni and travel and i don't see how i could slip into all that.
i caught up with a friend i was rather close to in the beginning of high school, we were friends right throughout but the last year or so i started to lose track of her, as she was dealing with some stuff.
i saw her for the first time in almost year a few months ago and idk it was awkward, i didn't really know her anymore. we chatted away but there were a few moments where we just looked at each other and smiled shyly, like strangers.
idk its sad but i get that people come and go into your life and i am a big believer in that, i just don't have anyone coming so i'm i guess i'm clinging onto the people going.
i'm not overly social and since losing my job, which was in customer service and filled up much of my social quota, i have become more isolated.
the friends i have now, i really like. but i keep my distance, while i really want to let people in that fear of judgement and losing people creeps in, so i stay back.
but idk it kinda works for the friendships i have.
we can go weeks without communicating, except for the occasional comment or like on facebook.
all of us seem to like doing our own thing.
i've always been good at pretending everythings ok and i'm happy, i like to think its pretty convincing, sometime i convince myself.
i've never thought about killing myself, i self harmed once when it was 'cool', but i'm bad with blood and the scratched i made on my wrist healed quickly. but a part of me wished i could slice my flesh, this was when i was about 15 and incredibly angry with myself, so much so i didn't know what to do about it.
suicide doesn't appeal or occur to me.
i know i will live, whether its a happy or sad life idk, depends on the day.
right now the future is bleak, but its there.
i compare it against my sister's life. she is 16 months older than me. on the outside looking in, we seem to see others lives as being easier than others; they make it through with fewer struggles and sufferings. obviously i have seen my sister's life and i know she has had struggles but still; fewer than me.
i have always thought that out of all siblings, one will have a mostly charmed life and the other will struggle through.
i imagine i will be a crazy aunt who has many cats (right now, i would say my cat is my best friend) a crappy no end job and no love. while my sister lives with her now boyfriend, soon to be husband possibly with some children and their property empire (which they are currently building)
and i will be the one to pity with my shitty life.
i know i am pathetic and play the victim, i am aware of this, i make myself sick with it...and the loathing continues. i am stuck; drowning in it.
back to what i want right now; a hug or to specify; a cuddle.
i would classify a hug as being something you give when standing up, a cuddle is more often to occur while sitting ie. on a couch or in bed when your all entangled.
someone to wrap their arms around me with warmth and affection, what i would give for that is pathetic.
it all comes back to me wanting to be and feel loved.
daddy issues; lets just skip all that.
i have never had a boyfriend, the closest i have come is dating someone was a halfhearted two months or so (he was halfhearted, i had never liked somebody so much)
but i did get cuddles and kisses when i could and they were lovely.
i'm on a dating website and have been for a year or so. i have been fucked around by many guys.
it has been a disappointing experience. before joining, i had barely had a conversation with a male (i avoided them, not that any wanted to speak to me, oh i didnt mention; i'm fat) and my general opinion of the male species is low.
i hate that fact, i am waiting for someone to prove me wrong.
given my general opinion on myself, i don't expect much, i just want someone to be nice to me. i never thought that would be so hard to find.
for someone to be in love with me, would be a miracle.
i want someone to think i'm pretty and see all those qualities others have missed.
i can't even explain it.
to have someone on my side and cuddles at night.
i really did try to date but it made me sad.
in my teen years i would form major crushes on celebs, i've decided to since rivert back to this.
my latest victim is kevin smith.
i started reading his blog, ironically named (to me, anyway) My Boring Ass Life, because the loser stalker that i am, i have started reading from the beginning, only 230 pages to go. well 200... yeah loser.
he sounds like he has a lovely life with someone that he loves.
even though he describes his sex life as 'champion fucking' 'bone hardcore' it still made me cry.
i want to champion fuck with someone.
i'm so sick of being alone but i don't want to let anyone in because i act like a possessive lunatic and i just assume they'll bail sooner or later.
and no one wants the fucked up basket case i am now, i totally get that.
and i figure i should just get used to being alone, as it will be a lonnnng life. alone.
so settle in.
i don't know who or what i am.
my mind is at war and idk which side will win.
my darkness is a small part of me, yet its winning.
idk like i said, this post is bullshit.
it could have been summed up in five words;
i just want a hug.
i need to vomit a whole load of crap out and if you choose, you will read about it, i do not however expect anyone ever to stumble across this blog...even if they did happen to stumble across it, i doubt they would stick around to read the deets.
i just want to share my pain with someone and i have no one to talk too.
usually i'm pretty good with my spelling and grammar being correct but i really can't be fucked with it right now, so no i'm not retarded, save those opinions for later; i know how to use a semi-colon; ta-da (which i have become a fan of recently) and i know my 'they're' from my 'theirs' and 'theres.'
so basically, i am really depressed.
this has plagued me for about 9 years since i was 12, i am 21.
some of it is circumstance but otherwise i just think its apart of my personality and also my genetics, my grandfather, whom i never meet, committed suicide and its undetermined whether my uncle on the same side also did.
i've experienced these feelings for a very long time, single digits, obviously its completely 'normal' to experience a rollcoaster of emotions but i always had trouble shaking off the sadness.
i'm not a total downer btw, i am fun person, i think i have a great sense of humour, i am caring person and i really love to laugh, i just have a real darkness inside of me.
i have never shared this 'darkness' with anyone, i am very much in my head and i never ask for help.
i don't think its because i'm overly proud, its mostly out of self consciousness and i really don't want to bother anyone, no one wants to hear how depressed someone is.
telling someone how i feel would be very exposing and also very humiliating for me. i fear judgement from others.
blah blah blah.
right now, i just want a hug. i crave affection.
i was fired from my job late august, a fact i was actually glad about as i didn't necessarily hate my job but the problem was my boss. to say the least (and that would probably to the smartest) they were hardly my favourite person it would take a while to explain my feelings in whole about this person, but they doesn't deserve my time.
i worked there for 3 years since i was 18 and i was very good at my job, it was a small business, to which my boss effectively abandoned to those who worked there (me mostly) and i cared way too much (a def downfall in life for me.)
the firing was nasty (wouldn't expect anything less) and even though they is physically out of my life (i don't have to look at their disgustingly smug face) they makes my life hell, urghh can't be bothered with deets, but they haven't paid me entitlements i'm owed and their laxness is preventing me from claiming unemployment. i'm currently in the process of dealing with unfair dismissal.
i really hope for justice, i fanatise about a payout they would have to give me, but if life has taught me anything, i should expect to fail.
i am now very isolated, i have few friends.
i had friends in high school but i wasn't particularly close to anyone and since leaving school those people have dropped off.
lately i have been thinking that there are some i would really like to reconnect with but i feel its too late, i see them on facebook and they all have their own lifes, with new friends and jobs and uni and travel and i don't see how i could slip into all that.
i caught up with a friend i was rather close to in the beginning of high school, we were friends right throughout but the last year or so i started to lose track of her, as she was dealing with some stuff.
i saw her for the first time in almost year a few months ago and idk it was awkward, i didn't really know her anymore. we chatted away but there were a few moments where we just looked at each other and smiled shyly, like strangers.
idk its sad but i get that people come and go into your life and i am a big believer in that, i just don't have anyone coming so i'm i guess i'm clinging onto the people going.
i'm not overly social and since losing my job, which was in customer service and filled up much of my social quota, i have become more isolated.
the friends i have now, i really like. but i keep my distance, while i really want to let people in that fear of judgement and losing people creeps in, so i stay back.
but idk it kinda works for the friendships i have.
we can go weeks without communicating, except for the occasional comment or like on facebook.
all of us seem to like doing our own thing.
i've always been good at pretending everythings ok and i'm happy, i like to think its pretty convincing, sometime i convince myself.
i've never thought about killing myself, i self harmed once when it was 'cool', but i'm bad with blood and the scratched i made on my wrist healed quickly. but a part of me wished i could slice my flesh, this was when i was about 15 and incredibly angry with myself, so much so i didn't know what to do about it.
suicide doesn't appeal or occur to me.
i know i will live, whether its a happy or sad life idk, depends on the day.
right now the future is bleak, but its there.
i compare it against my sister's life. she is 16 months older than me. on the outside looking in, we seem to see others lives as being easier than others; they make it through with fewer struggles and sufferings. obviously i have seen my sister's life and i know she has had struggles but still; fewer than me.
i have always thought that out of all siblings, one will have a mostly charmed life and the other will struggle through.
i imagine i will be a crazy aunt who has many cats (right now, i would say my cat is my best friend) a crappy no end job and no love. while my sister lives with her now boyfriend, soon to be husband possibly with some children and their property empire (which they are currently building)
and i will be the one to pity with my shitty life.
i know i am pathetic and play the victim, i am aware of this, i make myself sick with it...and the loathing continues. i am stuck; drowning in it.
back to what i want right now; a hug or to specify; a cuddle.
i would classify a hug as being something you give when standing up, a cuddle is more often to occur while sitting ie. on a couch or in bed when your all entangled.
someone to wrap their arms around me with warmth and affection, what i would give for that is pathetic.
it all comes back to me wanting to be and feel loved.
daddy issues; lets just skip all that.
i have never had a boyfriend, the closest i have come is dating someone was a halfhearted two months or so (he was halfhearted, i had never liked somebody so much)
but i did get cuddles and kisses when i could and they were lovely.
i'm on a dating website and have been for a year or so. i have been fucked around by many guys.
it has been a disappointing experience. before joining, i had barely had a conversation with a male (i avoided them, not that any wanted to speak to me, oh i didnt mention; i'm fat) and my general opinion of the male species is low.
i hate that fact, i am waiting for someone to prove me wrong.
given my general opinion on myself, i don't expect much, i just want someone to be nice to me. i never thought that would be so hard to find.
for someone to be in love with me, would be a miracle.
i want someone to think i'm pretty and see all those qualities others have missed.
i can't even explain it.
to have someone on my side and cuddles at night.
i really did try to date but it made me sad.
in my teen years i would form major crushes on celebs, i've decided to since rivert back to this.
my latest victim is kevin smith.
i started reading his blog, ironically named (to me, anyway) My Boring Ass Life, because the loser stalker that i am, i have started reading from the beginning, only 230 pages to go. well 200... yeah loser.
he sounds like he has a lovely life with someone that he loves.
even though he describes his sex life as 'champion fucking' 'bone hardcore' it still made me cry.
i want to champion fuck with someone.
i'm so sick of being alone but i don't want to let anyone in because i act like a possessive lunatic and i just assume they'll bail sooner or later.
and no one wants the fucked up basket case i am now, i totally get that.
and i figure i should just get used to being alone, as it will be a lonnnng life. alone.
so settle in.
i don't know who or what i am.
my mind is at war and idk which side will win.
my darkness is a small part of me, yet its winning.
idk like i said, this post is bullshit.
it could have been summed up in five words;
i just want a hug.
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