that boy

i'm actually using this blog a lot more than i thought i would.
i thought i would just use it to word vomit all that stuff out the other night, that entry was posted at about 2am in the hopes it would stop my mind from racing and i thought i would leave it at that.

but oh no, i have plenty to bitch and whine and moan about.
i guess this is ultimately a diary, like many blogs are, so it doesn't really make a difference whether its written in a notebook (but it would take ages to write all this stuff down, i haven't written so much since i left high school, i like physically writing and i like seeing other people's hand writing.) although if this were a diary i would include more the sordid details in detail but idk i kinda like airing even just a portion of my dirty laundry, i'm hoping it will help me, while you will suffer (if anyone actually reads this) it may deplete some of mine.

i am feeling a lot better than yesterday, i think it is just in my process to have a total meltdown, lose all logic and perspective and just be a total depressive, over emotional mope.
to say the least, this is hardly an attractive position to see me in.

you'd think because of this; i'd be able to keep this to myself.
no, i have been doing something out of the ordinary for me and exposing myself...fugitively speaking, no one would want to see me expose myself in the literal way.

in my first post i mentioned a boy that i had dated for 2 months, he has proved himself to be an odd (i will use this word a lot to describe him) provider of support.

we were never technically seeing each other too seriously, when this whole thing was starting it all seemed very hopeful. we texted constantly and exchanged photos and he gave me compliments i actually believed.
he took me out on the first date i had ever been on, i instantly felt comfortable around him (i never feel comfortable about guys) and i thought he was sooooo cute.
and i knew he actually liked me as we had arranged to see a movie with no plans afterwards, this then turned into dinner and then a walk and then he asked if he could kiss me (my first sober kiss) and we made out in the carpark next to my car...then in my car...and then again in my car, now parked next to his car. inbetween making out and him feeling me up (outside my clothes) he asked me out again.

i was so smitten, i finally felt liked.

idk i could write about this for ages but i'll try and condense it.

2nd date, awesome.
3rd date, he invited me other to this house, his housemate wasn't home that night so i stayed the night...urgh pains me to say but it was...ok, the beginnings of doubt and paranoia set in.
i had to leave somewhat early as he had somewhere to be, i had hoped we could have had breakfast and spent some more time together.

i instantly began to worry that now he had slept with me he would lose interest in me.
i cried that night.

he didn't...well not completely.
continued to date, but dates became weekly, if that.
he no longer asked for pics and the compliments pretty much stopped, unless i asked and i would eventually, after him saying he couldn't think of anything, drag something out.

i just liked him so much, i think partly because of way he was treating me but i really did love his company and i was almost giddy when seeing him.
i would have major doubts during the days (week) i wouldn't see him but then i would and i would get cuddles and kisses and we genuinely did have a few really nice moments that continue to mean a lot to me and i miss, i knew he liked me. just not enough.

i wish i had been stronger and ended it sooner, my instincts were telling me it wasn't right, but i wasn't listening, i was too wrapped up in the little intimacy we had. i knew in my heart, we should only be friends and we would never be anything more.
but because of the way i am, i thought if i just kept trying, i would charm him and he would like me...enough.

the way he ended it disappointed me, he avoided me for 3 weeks.
text messages got fewer and farther between and i became desperate.
he called me one night, i missed his call, but i knew he was ending it. we had a bit of a cat and mouse game, i would miss him he would miss me.
i finally texted him and said i had had enough.

he was sorry for the way he had treated me, i spent the rest of the day firing questions at him; did he secretly hate holding my hand? did he only invite me other that night because of the convenience of his housemate not being home? i wasn't allowed over otherwise, he said no, but i doubt (unfortunately) this.

i know he sounds like a total asshole, but he isn't, just an asshole of circumstance.
i didn't mention his 35 (i never felt our age gap) and i think just incapable or idk too lazy; to feel more than friendship.
but he did try though and for a short and small period of time, he let me experience intimacy with someone.

he is the reason i now crave cuddles.

despite all this, he is still the nicest any guy has been to me.
and thats why we are still friends.
he let me be angry and pathetic at him, he never turned away.
he has the ability of not letting anything stick to him, he is odd, he intrigues me, he is the kind of person that i would really like to figure out, but i know i never will.
idk i wanted to be the girl that changed him.

i know it sounds like i still like and i kinda do, as i miss those nice times we had, but i know we are not suited.
i struggled for a while with my feelings for him, back and forth between anger and longing.
i realised i missed him, not because i missed him but i missed the feeling i had when we cuddled when i felt safe and even liked. he is merely the vessel.

since entering the friends zone, he has been exposed to my 'darkness' (i don't particularly like that expression for it but i have no idea what else to call it) which i think i kept pretty well under wraps while we were dating...at lest until the end anyway.

while when i feel this way i just want to be feel loved, he actually gives good and proper, if not sarcastic, advice. as he has perspective.

i know i can message him whenever and he has no idea how much that means to me, if it wasn't him, it would be no one.
while in my dark place yesterday, he said to me; one day you will stop being a victim (insert my name here) and i hope its soon. not everything is always your fault.
it doesn't seem like much but i felt at that moment that i was cared about, even in his own odd way.

every now and then after one of these episodes i thank him for being so nice to me.
despite what we have been through and despite what i have said in the past about regretting what we've been through, i wouldn't change it. i am glad i met him, he gives me hope that nice guys do exist and one day a guy will give what i want and need.

but for now, he will still be the nicest any guy has been to me.
and i still miss his cuddles.