sleep now

can't sleep.

figured maybe if i spewed out some nonsense it would help me sleep.
although my sleeping pattern has been kinda fucked up lately, i've been staying up till 12 or so re-watching Veronica Mars (no, not because its a show Kevin Smith digs...i've had the dvd's for years...)
and then it takes me like 2 hours so more to get to sleep, i then get up at about 8 to hit the gym, i'll then fall asleep in the early evening and have a bit of  a power nap so by the time it comes around to actual appropriate sleep time; i'm awake and alert. annoying.

and it doesn't really help that its starting to get hot here, its barely over 25 degrees and i sweat in my room doing nothing, so not looking forward to it being like 35 degrees...

when i'm struggling to sleep lots of stuff goes through my mind, like my lack of job and what i'm going to do about that (i maybe getting a seasonal job from late december to march, pays really good so heres hoping) and things i have to do but have been putting off and just all different kinds of scenarios, for example; this job, i'm already imagining what it will be like, what i'll wear, how much i'm going to sweat (its a job on a farm, i'm on the front desk, which is open air and seems to have no air con...)

i do this with everything, pretty much every event in my life, dates especially; but i don't go as far as to imagine our wedding... i create these expectations with my daydreams and when it becomes reality, it generally sucks as i'm disappointed; self sabotage much? (although since i'm dredging up all the negative about this possible job, i'm hoping it wouldn't end up being so bad....if i get it...so what i mean? setting myself up for failure...)

so when my mind is swimming i try to focus on something to calm it, generally i think about a lovely boy i'm being close too, obvz that boy of choice has lately been Kev Smith....but i don't have the best imagination for fantasy; it takes me ages to make them up and i generally get stuck on like what i'm wearing and what i look like, like am i skinny or normal? (as in fat; what i am) and then i have trouble imagining myself skinny...

i've started on a fantasy that KS and i meet at a film event at ACMI, i get there early and his already there, the place is pretty much empty and oh; guess what? we're sitting next to each other...but, yet again, i'm stuck on my outfit choice....there are so many options.
but pretty much we start to talking and well, we're just smitten with each other, the film event turns into a shy invitation from mr. KS of dumplings to which he takes me to a hidden restaurant tucked away in a seduced alley...the alley in which we later make out in, my back against the wall...and the best thing, he asks me out again.
*sigh.

when that scenario is too much i pretty much just imagine myself in my bed making out with someone, doesn't really matter who, just imagining being close to annnnyone is good.
or that still too hard, i go back to memories from That Boy, but then that gets me to thinking about when things went beyond just making out and i cringe and feel stupid and i started thinking all this other stuff... and that can sometimes lead to tears...

but anyway, i do eventually fall asleep, i'm hoping tonight it will be before 1.30...

so i'm going out this weekend, twice...why does that always happen? literally go months with no plans and all of a sudden 2 nights in a row?

i'm hoping to at least make out with someone once...its been months since i kissed someone, even a drunken, meaningless kiss would suffice.

i'm thinking i'm feeling my eyes becoming droop...
sleep now; take me to my happy place, a heavy petting sess with KS followed by him going down on me...