audience of one.

i've grown pretty accustomed to doing things alone.
movies, shopping, appointments, sleeping, (sex... :/ ) etc etc...
and for the most part i don't mind, sometimes its easier to just be in my own company than having to entertain or worrying about someone else.

but not all the time,
its coming up to summer and there are lot of events going on and i have no one to go with to anything.
i have a few friends but our interests rarely overlap and i'm left with the choice of going alone or not going at all and i'm really getting sick of the latter options; there have been COUNTLESS events i have missed on because of this and it makes me angry that my lack of company causes me to miss out completely.

it really makes me sad that i don't have someone that gets just as excited as me about different concerts and shows and that when something comes up its not instant excitement but mostly disappointment that its just another event i'll miss out on.

usually i have to either beg someone or offer to go halvzies in their ticket.

idk it just makes me sad.
it makes me realise just how alone i am or just how disconnected i am from the people that are in my life.

all these feelings were dug up earlier today.
i visited Kevin Smith's twitter every few days and was supper giddy to see that their bringing their 'Jay and Silent Bob' podcast show to .................... and that the show in my capital city was the day after my 22nd birthday.

i had previously been texting That Guy about random crap when i told him this, he knows a little about my KS infatuation, but i've kept most of it to myself (ie. i haven't let slip  that over the weekend i made a new vision board and included a picture of him on it...not so much in the way that i want him, i mean he is very nice to look at but more what he represents; he seems like a genuinelly decent guy, smart, funny and his a good husband and father. thats what i want) and i know that That Guy likes KS' movies (he was in his mid 20's in the 90's) so i asked if he would be interested.

he asked who was paying and i said he should be paying considering it was my birthday (haha) or alternativly, the event wasn't until april so i could get tickets (the presale had started) and he could just pay me back. but i mean come on, tickets were like $80 and the guy has a full time job, i have no job and i can afford it.

he wrote back that to be honest he wasn;t really interested in listening to KS talk for hours.
i should have been expecting this response but idk i was hopeful.
i tried to guilt him by saying thanks i'll just be alone on my birthday and he called me emo.

it really annoys me when he does this, he thinks that having any emotions is 'emo'
i responsed; i'm not being emo, i never have anyone to go to events too, i either have to go by myself or miss out. excuse me for having a normal human emotion.
blah blah.

but it did get me down and the eyes watered for a minute or two.

so it looks like i'm going by myself.
its better than not going at all i suppose, its now my birthday present to myself, but it sucks not having anyone to turn too and share the experience with.

what makes me the most sad is that i feel i have no choice but to be alone, i ask and invite people to do things with me, they just never want too.

but i suppose all these experiences are probably preparing me for an existance spent alone.