word vomit

this post is bullshit, totally self indulgent bullshit.
i need to vomit a whole load of crap out and if you choose, you will read about it, i do not however expect anyone ever to stumble across this blog...even if they did happen to stumble across it, i doubt they would stick around to read the deets.
i just want to share my pain with someone and i have no one to talk too.

usually i'm pretty good with my spelling and grammar being correct but i really can't be fucked with it right now, so no i'm not retarded, save those opinions for later; i know how to use a semi-colon; ta-da (which i have become a fan of recently) and i know my 'they're' from my 'theirs' and 'theres.'


so basically, i am really depressed.
this has plagued me for about 9 years since i was 12, i am 21.

some of it is circumstance but otherwise i just think its apart of my personality and also my genetics, my grandfather, whom i never meet, committed suicide and its undetermined whether my uncle on the same side also did.

i've experienced these feelings for a very long time, single digits, obviously its completely 'normal' to experience a rollcoaster of emotions but i always had trouble shaking off the sadness.

i'm not a total downer btw, i am fun person, i think i have a great sense of humour, i am caring person and i really love to laugh, i just have a real darkness inside of me.

i have never shared this 'darkness' with anyone, i am very much in my head and i never ask for help.
i don't think its because i'm overly proud, its mostly out of self consciousness and i really don't want to bother anyone, no one wants to hear how depressed someone is.

telling someone how i feel would be very exposing and also very humiliating for me. i fear judgement from others.

blah blah blah.

right now, i just want a hug. i crave affection.

i was fired from my job late august, a fact i was actually glad about as i didn't necessarily hate my job but the problem was my boss. to say the least (and that would probably to the smartest) they were hardly my favourite person it would take a while to explain my feelings in whole about this person, but they doesn't deserve my time.

i worked there for 3 years since i was 18 and i was very good at my job, it was a small business, to which my boss effectively abandoned to those who worked there (me mostly) and i cared way too much (a def downfall in life for me.)

the firing was nasty (wouldn't expect anything less) and even though they is physically out of my life (i don't have to look at their disgustingly smug face) they makes my life hell, urghh can't be bothered with deets, but they haven't paid me entitlements i'm owed and their laxness is preventing me from claiming unemployment. i'm currently in the process of dealing with unfair dismissal.
i really hope for justice, i fanatise about a payout they would have to give me, but if life has taught me anything, i should expect to fail.

i am now very isolated, i have few friends.
i had friends in high school but i wasn't particularly close to anyone and since leaving school those people have dropped off.
lately i have been thinking that there are some i would really like to reconnect with but i feel its too late, i see them on facebook and they all have their own lifes, with new friends and jobs and uni and travel and i don't see how i could slip into all that.

i caught up with a friend i was rather close to in the beginning of high school, we were friends right throughout but the last year or so i started to lose track of her, as she was dealing with some stuff.
i saw her for the first time in almost year a few months ago and idk it was awkward, i didn't really know her anymore. we chatted away but there were a few moments where we just looked at each other and smiled shyly, like strangers.

idk its sad but i get that people come and go into your life and i am a big believer in that, i just don't have anyone coming so i'm i guess i'm clinging onto the people going.

i'm not overly social and since losing my job, which was in customer service and filled up much of my social quota, i have become more isolated.

the friends i have now, i really like. but i keep my distance, while i really want to let people in that fear of judgement and losing people creeps  in, so i stay back.

but idk it kinda works for the friendships i have.
we can go weeks without communicating, except for the occasional comment or like on facebook.
all of us seem to like doing our own thing.

i've always been good at pretending everythings ok and i'm happy, i like to think its pretty convincing, sometime i convince myself.


i've never thought about killing myself, i self harmed once when it was 'cool', but i'm bad with blood and the scratched i made on my wrist healed quickly. but a part of me wished i could slice my flesh, this was when i was about 15 and incredibly angry with myself, so much so i didn't know what to do about it.

suicide doesn't appeal or occur to me.
i know i will live, whether its a happy or sad life idk, depends on the day.
right now the future is bleak, but its there.

i compare it against my sister's life. she is 16 months older than me. on the outside looking in, we seem to see others lives as being easier than others; they make it through with fewer struggles and sufferings. obviously i have seen my sister's life and i know she has had struggles but still; fewer than me.
i have always thought that out of all siblings, one will have a mostly charmed life and the other will struggle through.

i imagine i will be a crazy aunt who has many cats (right now, i would say my cat is my best friend) a crappy no end job and no love. while my sister lives with her now boyfriend, soon to be husband possibly with some children and their property empire (which they are currently building)
and i will be the one to pity with my shitty life.

i know i am pathetic and play the victim, i am aware of this, i make myself sick with it...and the loathing continues. i am stuck; drowning in it.

back to what i want right now; a hug or to specify; a cuddle.
i would classify a hug as being something you give when standing up, a cuddle is more often to occur while sitting ie. on a couch or in bed when your all entangled.

someone to wrap their arms around me with warmth and affection, what i would give for that is pathetic.

it all comes back to me wanting to be and feel loved.
daddy issues; lets just skip all that.

i have never had a boyfriend, the closest i have come is dating someone was a halfhearted two months or so (he was halfhearted, i had never liked somebody so much)
but i did get cuddles and kisses when i could and they were lovely.

i'm on a dating website and have been for a year or so. i have been fucked around by many guys.
it has been a disappointing experience. before joining, i had barely had a conversation with a male (i avoided them, not that any wanted to speak to me, oh i didnt mention; i'm fat) and my general opinion of the male species is low.
i hate that fact, i am waiting for someone to prove me wrong.
given my general opinion on myself, i don't expect much, i just want someone to be nice to me. i never thought that would be so hard to find.


for someone to be in love with me, would be a miracle.
i want someone to think i'm pretty and see all those qualities others have missed.

i can't even explain it.
to have someone on my side and cuddles at night.

i really did try to date but it made me sad.
in my teen years i would form major crushes on celebs, i've decided to since rivert back to this.
my latest victim is kevin smith.

i started reading his blog, ironically named (to me, anyway) My Boring Ass Life, because the loser stalker that i am, i have started reading from the beginning, only 230 pages to go. well 200... yeah loser.

he sounds like he has a lovely life with someone that he loves.
even though he describes his sex life as 'champion fucking' 'bone hardcore' it still made me cry.
i want to champion fuck with someone.


i'm so sick of being alone but i don't want to let anyone in because i act like a possessive lunatic and i just assume they'll bail sooner or later.
and no one wants the fucked up basket case i am now, i totally get that.
and i figure i should just get used to being alone, as it will be a lonnnng life. alone.
so settle in.

i don't know who or what i am.
my mind is at war and idk which side will win.

my darkness is a small part of me, yet its winning.


idk like i said, this post is bullshit.
it could have been summed up in five words;

i just want a hug.