counter attack, still without cuddles

its days like these that i'm not particularly enthusiastic about living.
i just want everything to stop and disappear.
i just want to be left alone.

a turn with my boss, that i ironically predicted.
idk long story, short.

was meant to have a conciliation phone call on tuesday morning, got a call monday afternoon telling me that they hadn't responsed to their request so it will therefor be postponed.

my initial thought was; how stupid.
while a slightly paranoid thought, it occured to me that they was preparing a counter attack.
now i'm sure your thinking; this is pretty dramatic, but you don't know what this person is capable of.

so no surprise today when i recieve a letter; from them.
they had sent me a copy the letter she has sent to Fair Work.

i can only imagine they sent me this letter in an act of bullying and intimidation, a threat to me, to stop what i'm doing.
i would explain in more detail what this letter was about, but atm i just want to block it from my memory.

basically, a counter attack.

i have never claimed to be innocent in this whole process, i know i have done things wrong, but they are just as guilty as me.

i just didn't want them to win.
i wanted to feel like i had achieved some kind of justice after years of suffering and frustration at that job.

right now i'm struggling with whether i want to quit this, a big part of me just wants to lay down and take it, like i don't care who wins, i just want the money they owes me; which they never mentioned in this letter and move on this my life. going to be hard considering i obviously don't have a reference for the job i spent the last 3 years at, nothing suss;  i had coworkers as refs but since finding out they have turned on me i pretty much have no one.

i am not a bad person.
but thats how i've been left feeling in this whole process.
i just wanted to try and stand up for myself and every time i have tried to do this, i am smacked back down, repeatedly.

do i even want to get back up?

yeah i'm whining, but why does this stuff happen to me?
why the constant drama and hurt and pain?
just leave me alone to cruise along. i would happily just cruise through life with nothing overly exciting ever happening to me if it was peaceful.

i thought years ago i had hit rock bottom; unable to find a job, spending a year unemployed, have a major personal crisis (not that i'm going to tell you; you WOULD judge me)
i feel like i've taken enough shit for a lifetime, i am 21.
is this what life is like?
if so, no thanks.

back to being a stalker creep, reading Kevin Smith's blog, he talked about being in Vancouver at film school and feeling really lonely as everyone was back home. he said that he felt during that time he was paying this dues, so he'd never have to be alone again.
he now has a loving family and kick ass career.

it made me hope with everything i have that this is what this period in my life is for me.
i'm a good person, i deserve to be atleast semi happy and content.
but do i really? idk, tbh, idk.
a large percentage of me does, as i feel like i have paid my dues.
i have been fucking lonely and miserable for too long.

i cannot wait to be away from this period in life, where i can look back and think 'i got through that and i am so much better for it.' because i'm (atleast semi) happy with myself and life, hopefully with a good job and a loving partner who just fucking adores me and me him.

but right now, i just want to curl up in bed with a movie and die for a bit.
a cuddle would go down well too.
guess a pillow will have to do.