i know, lame.
sometimes i can deal with the fact that we're just friends and nothing more will ever happen between us and other times i miss him so much.
not entirely sure why i miss him as he never really did anything overly impressive to deserve the feelings i had towards him...or maybe thats why i liked him so much.
once in a text message i hinted towards the fact that i still kinda liked him or that i had moments of liking him; these moments generally occurred when in his own way, he was being sweet (in reality he was treating me like a human being, but you know since my expectations are so low...)
he was quick to say he'd never mention what i said again, so i think my chances are pretty slim...
but thats the thing.
i understand that we're not good together and considering the way he treated me, i'm not particularly interested in repeating the past (its nice to know i'm not that stupid)
so why do i miss him so much?
pathetically, i think its just because he was nice to me.
he was the first guy that was nice to me (before he wasn't not so nice) he made me feel liked & pretty (for a short period of time) and as i've mentioned; gave amazing cuddles and kisses.
so idk maybe its not so much him i miss but the idea of him, although when i think of my ideal guy he does kind of come to mind.
he is one of the most adorable guys i've seen and i always thought we were perfectly matched physically, that if anyone were to assume we were a couple, we would be a good looking one.
he has all the attributes most appealing to me, his got the cutest face, but wouldn't be attractive to everyone (thats totally fine with me, i like them a bit left of center) brown hair, glasses (URGH love glasses, i think if i were to have a fetish, it would be glasses) discreet tattoos, owned cats, geeky and in the beginning he made me feel so pretty, he gave so many compliments.
i guess i miss him because i miss having someone around and his the only guy i've been even vaguely close to, i can only assume if i'd been close to anyone else i would have a selection to miss and pine over.
i wish he missed me too, but i bet he doesn't even think about me that way.
idk i just crave to be close to someone, i don't really think in a desperate (if i was so desperate why haven't i bothered even attempting going on a date in months? urgh the thought of meeting a stranger and having to act all charming and likeable so no result? torture to me right now, besides; the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result)
but idk, i'd love a hug (here we go, full circle...)
just be to close to someone and feel some affection...urgh i crave that.
i've actually considered asking That Guy to give me said cuddles(and possibly kisses,) with the understanding that it wouldn't mean a thing. but i don't think even i could be that pathetic.
one day, hopefully soon with someone that actually likes me.
i really don't want to become numb and lose whatever someone may find special about me.
once in primary school, a girl and i were in the sports equipment storage room, we were sitting on top of these big mats, despite only being like 10 years old, she gave off a really skanky vibe, like she'd be pregnant by 16, just one of those girls that oozed sexuality.
and idk what we were talking about but she said to me ''i can't imagine you ever being a guy.''
sadly i can't help but agree.
i really can't imagine me having a boyfriend. for someone to like...all this, all i am physically and emotionally, would take someone i doubt even exists.
its all i want though.
laaaaaame.
No comments:
Post a Comment