i've grown pretty accustomed to doing things alone.
movies, shopping, appointments, sleeping, (sex... :/ ) etc etc...
and for the most part i don't mind, sometimes its easier to just be in my own company than having to entertain or worrying about someone else.
but not all the time,
its coming up to summer and there are lot of events going on and i have no one to go with to anything.
i have a few friends but our interests rarely overlap and i'm left with the choice of going alone or not going at all and i'm really getting sick of the latter options; there have been COUNTLESS events i have missed on because of this and it makes me angry that my lack of company causes me to miss out completely.
it really makes me sad that i don't have someone that gets just as excited as me about different concerts and shows and that when something comes up its not instant excitement but mostly disappointment that its just another event i'll miss out on.
usually i have to either beg someone or offer to go halvzies in their ticket.
idk it just makes me sad.
it makes me realise just how alone i am or just how disconnected i am from the people that are in my life.
all these feelings were dug up earlier today.
i visited Kevin Smith's twitter every few days and was supper giddy to see that their bringing their 'Jay and Silent Bob' podcast show to .................... and that the show in my capital city was the day after my 22nd birthday.
i had previously been texting That Guy about random crap when i told him this, he knows a little about my KS infatuation, but i've kept most of it to myself (ie. i haven't let slip that over the weekend i made a new vision board and included a picture of him on it...not so much in the way that i want him, i mean he is very nice to look at but more what he represents; he seems like a genuinelly decent guy, smart, funny and his a good husband and father. thats what i want) and i know that That Guy likes KS' movies (he was in his mid 20's in the 90's) so i asked if he would be interested.
he asked who was paying and i said he should be paying considering it was my birthday (haha) or alternativly, the event wasn't until april so i could get tickets (the presale had started) and he could just pay me back. but i mean come on, tickets were like $80 and the guy has a full time job, i have no job and i can afford it.
he wrote back that to be honest he wasn;t really interested in listening to KS talk for hours.
i should have been expecting this response but idk i was hopeful.
i tried to guilt him by saying thanks i'll just be alone on my birthday and he called me emo.
it really annoys me when he does this, he thinks that having any emotions is 'emo'
i responsed; i'm not being emo, i never have anyone to go to events too, i either have to go by myself or miss out. excuse me for having a normal human emotion.
blah blah.
but it did get me down and the eyes watered for a minute or two.
so it looks like i'm going by myself.
its better than not going at all i suppose, its now my birthday present to myself, but it sucks not having anyone to turn too and share the experience with.
what makes me the most sad is that i feel i have no choice but to be alone, i ask and invite people to do things with me, they just never want too.
but i suppose all these experiences are probably preparing me for an existance spent alone.
Wednesday, 23 November 2011
Monday, 21 November 2011
respect.
i just received an interesting text message.
i was expecting it to be a friend confirming the movies for tomorrow night, or That Boy with some random...whatever, so it goes with him.
but no.
it was from this guy i met in japan when i was there about 18 months ago.
i went there by myself, it was my first trip overseas. it was actually spontaneous, i had been feeling like i wanted to run away and this provided a good opportunity.
i met him at the airport bus stop, we were waiting to get a shuttle bus to the similar area.
we were on the same flight.
it was a bit of a thrill for me as we just struck up conversation, at the time this had never happened to me and had only spoken to guys when drunk in a dark nightclub, not blindingly sober after an 12 hour flight on a humid Tokyo night.
so we exchanged numbers and said we'd catch up one night.
and we did the next night.
he was there for business and we caught up after he was done with a business dinner.
we went out and drank.
it was stupid of me at the time, but it was so nice to talk to a guy and feel like you get along.
we bar hopped a bit, he bought the drinks, saying he'd write it off as a business expense.
we ended up at a Geisha karaoke bar drinking whiskey.
if i take away the hurt that was to come, it was actually fun.
he met me at my hotel and by this time we had made our way closer to his.
i was so wasted by then, i don't even remember.
but you know, i ended up in his room.
we started making out and i remember saying i didn't want to go any further...urgh, whatever.
one consolation is that he at least had the embarrassment of having to buy condoms in a foreign country. (i think i've briefly covered this...)
so yeah, we fucked.
i don't really remember it, i do remember him shoving his cock in my face.
anyway we fucked again in the morning, he again shoved his cock in my face, but i declined.
he said to let him know when i was done for the day.
i mean, i totally understand this was just a fuck thing, but i figured since we were both alone in a foreign country it was kinda nice having someone you at least vaguely know to perhaps kill a few hours with and i knew the second he left, i'd never hear from him again and i was fine with that.
the next day i got done with a day tour, i went back to my hotel and texted him i was done. i was absolutely exhausted getting hardly any sleep the night before (obvz...) but i figured i'd be going out later so i fell asleep in my make up and woke up every few hours to check both my phone and make up.
i received a text later that night simply saying 'business dinners run late. sorry'
i didn't however, interpret this as him blowing me off.
saturday he was leaving, i was going to a Kabuki performance, i sent him one last text even stupidly including that if he was ever in .............. to give me a call.
he never wrote back.
and i deleted his number.
it really hurt my feelings, it was the first time i had been blatantly used and that everything that had occurred that night prior to us sleeping together meant nothing.
i thought i was making a breakthrough, it was just a major sleep back.
i sulked all saturday and wanted to go home.
its surprising what being screwed over in a foreign country (literally) can make you wish you were home more than anything.
anyway i left 2 days later.
it was educational to say the least.
so anyway, tonight.
i received a text message from him. i'm surprised he kept my number.
there was a basic intro.
and then the kicker- 'so you said to give you a call when i'm in ......... i'll be there in 2 weeks, does the offer still stand?'
i could have said yes and slept with him to settle my animal urges.
but no, he hurt me and treated me like shit.
so i sent back- 'considering how things went down in Japan, i don't think so.'
him- 'ok no worries' like it was all cool. urgh.
me - 'you can delete my number. i get i may have a one night stand but you could have treated me with some respect'
as in writing back and saying, sorry can't see you again, thanks for the fun night.
thats all he had to do, but apparently i wasn't even worth that, so his not worth sticking his (probably small...i can't remember) dick in me.
him- 'deleted'
the insecure, desperate part of me wanted to say yes.
but i know i did the right thing, i treated myself with respect.
woot.
i was expecting it to be a friend confirming the movies for tomorrow night, or That Boy with some random...whatever, so it goes with him.
but no.
it was from this guy i met in japan when i was there about 18 months ago.
i went there by myself, it was my first trip overseas. it was actually spontaneous, i had been feeling like i wanted to run away and this provided a good opportunity.
i met him at the airport bus stop, we were waiting to get a shuttle bus to the similar area.
we were on the same flight.
it was a bit of a thrill for me as we just struck up conversation, at the time this had never happened to me and had only spoken to guys when drunk in a dark nightclub, not blindingly sober after an 12 hour flight on a humid Tokyo night.
so we exchanged numbers and said we'd catch up one night.
and we did the next night.
he was there for business and we caught up after he was done with a business dinner.
we went out and drank.
it was stupid of me at the time, but it was so nice to talk to a guy and feel like you get along.
we bar hopped a bit, he bought the drinks, saying he'd write it off as a business expense.
we ended up at a Geisha karaoke bar drinking whiskey.
if i take away the hurt that was to come, it was actually fun.
he met me at my hotel and by this time we had made our way closer to his.
i was so wasted by then, i don't even remember.
but you know, i ended up in his room.
we started making out and i remember saying i didn't want to go any further...urgh, whatever.
one consolation is that he at least had the embarrassment of having to buy condoms in a foreign country. (i think i've briefly covered this...)
so yeah, we fucked.
i don't really remember it, i do remember him shoving his cock in my face.
anyway we fucked again in the morning, he again shoved his cock in my face, but i declined.
he said to let him know when i was done for the day.
i mean, i totally understand this was just a fuck thing, but i figured since we were both alone in a foreign country it was kinda nice having someone you at least vaguely know to perhaps kill a few hours with and i knew the second he left, i'd never hear from him again and i was fine with that.
the next day i got done with a day tour, i went back to my hotel and texted him i was done. i was absolutely exhausted getting hardly any sleep the night before (obvz...) but i figured i'd be going out later so i fell asleep in my make up and woke up every few hours to check both my phone and make up.
i received a text later that night simply saying 'business dinners run late. sorry'
i didn't however, interpret this as him blowing me off.
saturday he was leaving, i was going to a Kabuki performance, i sent him one last text even stupidly including that if he was ever in .............. to give me a call.
he never wrote back.
and i deleted his number.
it really hurt my feelings, it was the first time i had been blatantly used and that everything that had occurred that night prior to us sleeping together meant nothing.
i thought i was making a breakthrough, it was just a major sleep back.
i sulked all saturday and wanted to go home.
its surprising what being screwed over in a foreign country (literally) can make you wish you were home more than anything.
anyway i left 2 days later.
it was educational to say the least.
so anyway, tonight.
i received a text message from him. i'm surprised he kept my number.
there was a basic intro.
and then the kicker- 'so you said to give you a call when i'm in ......... i'll be there in 2 weeks, does the offer still stand?'
i could have said yes and slept with him to settle my animal urges.
but no, he hurt me and treated me like shit.
so i sent back- 'considering how things went down in Japan, i don't think so.'
him- 'ok no worries' like it was all cool. urgh.
me - 'you can delete my number. i get i may have a one night stand but you could have treated me with some respect'
as in writing back and saying, sorry can't see you again, thanks for the fun night.
thats all he had to do, but apparently i wasn't even worth that, so his not worth sticking his (probably small...i can't remember) dick in me.
him- 'deleted'
the insecure, desperate part of me wanted to say yes.
but i know i did the right thing, i treated myself with respect.
woot.
Thursday, 10 November 2011
such a joke...
for regular readers (haha) you'd remember in the post the other day i mentioned that i have plans both tonight and tomorrow...
in a span of like 30 minutes, there both ruined.
lol i just don't understand why things are always so hard?
tonight i was meant to be going to a friend's 30th birthday, the plan was that i was going to catch a train to the inner city where another friend of mine works and we were then going to drive together, she always lives somewhat near me so she was also going to drop me home.
i got home from the gym and i was in such a good mood because i was looking forward to my weekend.
i then got a text from this friend saying sorry she's sick in bed and won't be able to make it.
obviously her being sick isn't her fault and i'm not at all annoyed at her.
its just the situation.
so idk what to do now, do i get the train in? which would involve a 45 min train ride, followed by a tram to a place i don't even know where i'm going and would take over an hour.
getting home is obvious a problem and would involve the tram and train by myself late at night or an $80 cab ride home.
and theres also the fact that aside from the bday girl, shes the only other person i would know.
i have been out with the bday girl and some of her friends before and their nice and welcoming so i don't think me not having fun would be a problem so much.
so idk.
and then saturday night, i'm going to my friend's brother's 18th.
we're going to a club in the city and getting a limo from their house.
my friend that lives near me, we were going to carpool.
she messages me before and is all -idk i'm sick so i don't think i'll drink and just drive in so we can leave whenever plus i don't want to pay for the limo.
urgh. i really like this friend but shes such a downer.
she never wants to go out and when we are out she never wants to drink and always wants to go home early.
i understand clubs aren't for everyone but we go out so infrequently, just have a few drinks and a dance and just enjoy yourself, she never seems to have fun and it annoys me.
i don't want to drive in with her and i don't want to leave early.
i want to get wasted and dance all night.
plus she works full time and the limo is like $30.
whatever i still think i'm going to go to this friends house with or without her and get the limo.
its just such a joke, all i wanted to do was have fun this weekend and its already turned to shit and is too hard.
i'll probably just bail on tonight
...
just talked to my sister, she said i should still go, get the train and tram in and she would be willing to pick me up later.
grr idk, it all seems like too much effort.
if i did bail on tonight i don't think my friend would mind and would understand and it just means that we can just catch up another time.
screw my friend tonight tomorrow, i'm def getting the limo.
idk going to think about tonight a bit longer.
just having that conversation with my sister has made me feel better, its amazing what happens when you can actually talk to someone...
in a span of like 30 minutes, there both ruined.
lol i just don't understand why things are always so hard?
tonight i was meant to be going to a friend's 30th birthday, the plan was that i was going to catch a train to the inner city where another friend of mine works and we were then going to drive together, she always lives somewhat near me so she was also going to drop me home.
i got home from the gym and i was in such a good mood because i was looking forward to my weekend.
i then got a text from this friend saying sorry she's sick in bed and won't be able to make it.
obviously her being sick isn't her fault and i'm not at all annoyed at her.
its just the situation.
so idk what to do now, do i get the train in? which would involve a 45 min train ride, followed by a tram to a place i don't even know where i'm going and would take over an hour.
getting home is obvious a problem and would involve the tram and train by myself late at night or an $80 cab ride home.
and theres also the fact that aside from the bday girl, shes the only other person i would know.
i have been out with the bday girl and some of her friends before and their nice and welcoming so i don't think me not having fun would be a problem so much.
so idk.
and then saturday night, i'm going to my friend's brother's 18th.
we're going to a club in the city and getting a limo from their house.
my friend that lives near me, we were going to carpool.
she messages me before and is all -idk i'm sick so i don't think i'll drink and just drive in so we can leave whenever plus i don't want to pay for the limo.
urgh. i really like this friend but shes such a downer.
she never wants to go out and when we are out she never wants to drink and always wants to go home early.
i understand clubs aren't for everyone but we go out so infrequently, just have a few drinks and a dance and just enjoy yourself, she never seems to have fun and it annoys me.
i don't want to drive in with her and i don't want to leave early.
i want to get wasted and dance all night.
plus she works full time and the limo is like $30.
whatever i still think i'm going to go to this friends house with or without her and get the limo.
its just such a joke, all i wanted to do was have fun this weekend and its already turned to shit and is too hard.
i'll probably just bail on tonight
...
just talked to my sister, she said i should still go, get the train and tram in and she would be willing to pick me up later.
grr idk, it all seems like too much effort.
if i did bail on tonight i don't think my friend would mind and would understand and it just means that we can just catch up another time.
screw my friend tonight tomorrow, i'm def getting the limo.
idk going to think about tonight a bit longer.
just having that conversation with my sister has made me feel better, its amazing what happens when you can actually talk to someone...
inconvenient
having a breakdown when i should be sleeping.
i wish i could cry out loud...or talk to someone.
i wish i could cry out loud...or talk to someone.
Wednesday, 9 November 2011
longing; idiot.
so, i'm thinking about That Guy.
i know, lame.
sometimes i can deal with the fact that we're just friends and nothing more will ever happen between us and other times i miss him so much.
not entirely sure why i miss him as he never really did anything overly impressive to deserve the feelings i had towards him...or maybe thats why i liked him so much.
once in a text message i hinted towards the fact that i still kinda liked him or that i had moments of liking him; these moments generally occurred when in his own way, he was being sweet (in reality he was treating me like a human being, but you know since my expectations are so low...)
he was quick to say he'd never mention what i said again, so i think my chances are pretty slim...
but thats the thing.
i understand that we're not good together and considering the way he treated me, i'm not particularly interested in repeating the past (its nice to know i'm not that stupid)
so why do i miss him so much?
pathetically, i think its just because he was nice to me.
he was the first guy that was nice to me (before he wasn't not so nice) he made me feel liked & pretty (for a short period of time) and as i've mentioned; gave amazing cuddles and kisses.
so idk maybe its not so much him i miss but the idea of him, although when i think of my ideal guy he does kind of come to mind.
he is one of the most adorable guys i've seen and i always thought we were perfectly matched physically, that if anyone were to assume we were a couple, we would be a good looking one.
he has all the attributes most appealing to me, his got the cutest face, but wouldn't be attractive to everyone (thats totally fine with me, i like them a bit left of center) brown hair, glasses (URGH love glasses, i think if i were to have a fetish, it would be glasses) discreet tattoos, owned cats, geeky and in the beginning he made me feel so pretty, he gave so many compliments.
i guess i miss him because i miss having someone around and his the only guy i've been even vaguely close to, i can only assume if i'd been close to anyone else i would have a selection to miss and pine over.
i wish he missed me too, but i bet he doesn't even think about me that way.
idk i just crave to be close to someone, i don't really think in a desperate (if i was so desperate why haven't i bothered even attempting going on a date in months? urgh the thought of meeting a stranger and having to act all charming and likeable so no result? torture to me right now, besides; the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result)
but idk, i'd love a hug (here we go, full circle...)
just be to close to someone and feel some affection...urgh i crave that.
i've actually considered asking That Guy to give me said cuddles(and possibly kisses,) with the understanding that it wouldn't mean a thing. but i don't think even i could be that pathetic.
one day, hopefully soon with someone that actually likes me.
i really don't want to become numb and lose whatever someone may find special about me.
once in primary school, a girl and i were in the sports equipment storage room, we were sitting on top of these big mats, despite only being like 10 years old, she gave off a really skanky vibe, like she'd be pregnant by 16, just one of those girls that oozed sexuality.
and idk what we were talking about but she said to me ''i can't imagine you ever being a guy.''
sadly i can't help but agree.
i really can't imagine me having a boyfriend. for someone to like...all this, all i am physically and emotionally, would take someone i doubt even exists.
its all i want though.
laaaaaame.
Tuesday, 8 November 2011
sleep now
can't sleep.
figured maybe if i spewed out some nonsense it would help me sleep.
although my sleeping pattern has been kinda fucked up lately, i've been staying up till 12 or so re-watching Veronica Mars (no, not because its a show Kevin Smith digs...i've had the dvd's for years...)
and then it takes me like 2 hours so more to get to sleep, i then get up at about 8 to hit the gym, i'll then fall asleep in the early evening and have a bit of a power nap so by the time it comes around to actual appropriate sleep time; i'm awake and alert. annoying.
and it doesn't really help that its starting to get hot here, its barely over 25 degrees and i sweat in my room doing nothing, so not looking forward to it being like 35 degrees...
when i'm struggling to sleep lots of stuff goes through my mind, like my lack of job and what i'm going to do about that (i maybe getting a seasonal job from late december to march, pays really good so heres hoping) and things i have to do but have been putting off and just all different kinds of scenarios, for example; this job, i'm already imagining what it will be like, what i'll wear, how much i'm going to sweat (its a job on a farm, i'm on the front desk, which is open air and seems to have no air con...)
i do this with everything, pretty much every event in my life, dates especially; but i don't go as far as to imagine our wedding... i create these expectations with my daydreams and when it becomes reality, it generally sucks as i'm disappointed; self sabotage much? (although since i'm dredging up all the negative about this possible job, i'm hoping it wouldn't end up being so bad....if i get it...so what i mean? setting myself up for failure...)
so when my mind is swimming i try to focus on something to calm it, generally i think about a lovely boy i'm being close too, obvz that boy of choice has lately been Kev Smith....but i don't have the best imagination for fantasy; it takes me ages to make them up and i generally get stuck on like what i'm wearing and what i look like, like am i skinny or normal? (as in fat; what i am) and then i have trouble imagining myself skinny...
i've started on a fantasy that KS and i meet at a film event at ACMI, i get there early and his already there, the place is pretty much empty and oh; guess what? we're sitting next to each other...but, yet again, i'm stuck on my outfit choice....there are so many options.
but pretty much we start to talking and well, we're just smitten with each other, the film event turns into a shy invitation from mr. KS of dumplings to which he takes me to a hidden restaurant tucked away in a seduced alley...the alley in which we later make out in, my back against the wall...and the best thing, he asks me out again.
*sigh.
when that scenario is too much i pretty much just imagine myself in my bed making out with someone, doesn't really matter who, just imagining being close to annnnyone is good.
or that still too hard, i go back to memories from That Boy, but then that gets me to thinking about when things went beyond just making out and i cringe and feel stupid and i started thinking all this other stuff... and that can sometimes lead to tears...
but anyway, i do eventually fall asleep, i'm hoping tonight it will be before 1.30...
so i'm going out this weekend, twice...why does that always happen? literally go months with no plans and all of a sudden 2 nights in a row?
i'm hoping to at least make out with someone once...its been months since i kissed someone, even a drunken, meaningless kiss would suffice.
i'm thinking i'm feeling my eyes becoming droop...
sleep now; take me to my happy place, a heavy petting sess with KS followed by him going down on me...
figured maybe if i spewed out some nonsense it would help me sleep.
although my sleeping pattern has been kinda fucked up lately, i've been staying up till 12 or so re-watching Veronica Mars (no, not because its a show Kevin Smith digs...i've had the dvd's for years...)
and then it takes me like 2 hours so more to get to sleep, i then get up at about 8 to hit the gym, i'll then fall asleep in the early evening and have a bit of a power nap so by the time it comes around to actual appropriate sleep time; i'm awake and alert. annoying.
and it doesn't really help that its starting to get hot here, its barely over 25 degrees and i sweat in my room doing nothing, so not looking forward to it being like 35 degrees...
when i'm struggling to sleep lots of stuff goes through my mind, like my lack of job and what i'm going to do about that (i maybe getting a seasonal job from late december to march, pays really good so heres hoping) and things i have to do but have been putting off and just all different kinds of scenarios, for example; this job, i'm already imagining what it will be like, what i'll wear, how much i'm going to sweat (its a job on a farm, i'm on the front desk, which is open air and seems to have no air con...)
i do this with everything, pretty much every event in my life, dates especially; but i don't go as far as to imagine our wedding... i create these expectations with my daydreams and when it becomes reality, it generally sucks as i'm disappointed; self sabotage much? (although since i'm dredging up all the negative about this possible job, i'm hoping it wouldn't end up being so bad....if i get it...so what i mean? setting myself up for failure...)
so when my mind is swimming i try to focus on something to calm it, generally i think about a lovely boy i'm being close too, obvz that boy of choice has lately been Kev Smith....but i don't have the best imagination for fantasy; it takes me ages to make them up and i generally get stuck on like what i'm wearing and what i look like, like am i skinny or normal? (as in fat; what i am) and then i have trouble imagining myself skinny...
i've started on a fantasy that KS and i meet at a film event at ACMI, i get there early and his already there, the place is pretty much empty and oh; guess what? we're sitting next to each other...but, yet again, i'm stuck on my outfit choice....there are so many options.
but pretty much we start to talking and well, we're just smitten with each other, the film event turns into a shy invitation from mr. KS of dumplings to which he takes me to a hidden restaurant tucked away in a seduced alley...the alley in which we later make out in, my back against the wall...and the best thing, he asks me out again.
*sigh.
when that scenario is too much i pretty much just imagine myself in my bed making out with someone, doesn't really matter who, just imagining being close to annnnyone is good.
or that still too hard, i go back to memories from That Boy, but then that gets me to thinking about when things went beyond just making out and i cringe and feel stupid and i started thinking all this other stuff... and that can sometimes lead to tears...
but anyway, i do eventually fall asleep, i'm hoping tonight it will be before 1.30...
so i'm going out this weekend, twice...why does that always happen? literally go months with no plans and all of a sudden 2 nights in a row?
i'm hoping to at least make out with someone once...its been months since i kissed someone, even a drunken, meaningless kiss would suffice.
i'm thinking i'm feeling my eyes becoming droop...
sleep now; take me to my happy place, a heavy petting sess with KS followed by him going down on me...
Saturday, 5 November 2011
a nice moment
last tuesday was a public holiday for the state i live in.
i had just returned from a week long holiday in bali for my mum's 50th birthday.
for the most part; i had a really good time...i may or may not write about it one day here.
i decided to host a little tea party for 2 of my friends to have a bit of a catch up.
i was getting ready and went outside to put some rubbish in the bins.
i was already dressed and wearing a pair of black harlem pants, grey singlet top with a sheer navy shirt over the top. my hair was out and kinda dirty (it sits better that way) and little make up.
i actually thought i looked good.
i was putting the rubbish in the bin when across the street i saw a boy, probably around my age or so, walking. and he checked me out and; he actually looked like my type, an even bigger compliment.
i don't think or very much doubt i have ever been 'checked out' before, in my opinion i possess no womanly charms.
i was walking back to my door when i looked one more time and he was looking too.
it was sooo nice.
i had just returned from a week long holiday in bali for my mum's 50th birthday.
for the most part; i had a really good time...i may or may not write about it one day here.
i decided to host a little tea party for 2 of my friends to have a bit of a catch up.
i was getting ready and went outside to put some rubbish in the bins.
i was already dressed and wearing a pair of black harlem pants, grey singlet top with a sheer navy shirt over the top. my hair was out and kinda dirty (it sits better that way) and little make up.
i actually thought i looked good.
i was putting the rubbish in the bin when across the street i saw a boy, probably around my age or so, walking. and he checked me out and; he actually looked like my type, an even bigger compliment.
i don't think or very much doubt i have ever been 'checked out' before, in my opinion i possess no womanly charms.
i was walking back to my door when i looked one more time and he was looking too.
it was sooo nice.
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