i'm incredibly lonely and sad.
i don't think i can do this anymore.
nobody wants me around anyway.
i'll always be alone.
i don't know what to do anymore.
i just need someone to be kind to me.

i screwed it up.
and i'm the only one to blame, i had something so good and i 'm so fucked up and stupid that i screwed it up.
no one will ever love this fucked up misunderstood crazy bitch or will ever try.
i want someone to see that i'm different and worth it.
i hate myself so much.
i need love but i will never get it.

forever lost.

i don't even know what to do with myself anymore.
i just want it to stop.
i'm so lonely.
i feel ignored and like i don't matter to anyone.

everyone hates me, i hate me.

i feel like i don't have that feeling of 'home' anymore, even in my own bed where i would feel safest.
i want to run away.

fear and loathing.

when i date someone i am in a constant state of fear knowing that sooner or later they will get rid of me.
even though i try to hide all the ugly stuff about me.
everything i do and everything i am is never good enough.
and it makes me so sad.

stupid.

i hate myself for thinking that someone could love me.

fml.

i met a guy i really like. his adorable; 6''4, tattoo artist, tattoos (obvz) really talented, glasses.
and his so nice to me. so gentle and sincere and caring.
i'm fairly certain he likes me as much as i like him.
his moving to europe in november possibly for good but at least for 6 months.
of course this would happen to me.

anytime i liked anyone they either don't like me back or they leave.
i finally meet someone who likes me as much as i like them and his leaving anyway.

he told me a few hours ago, it made me sad but now its really upset me.
it was nice that he told me, it was like he was saying we'd make it to november.
which just makes it harder.

i'm trying to be rational about it and get some perspective and i think about all the nice things his said and already done but my mind just keeps going back to that message and my stomach knots up and my eyes water.

idk if i should tell him who i feel, i know its selfish for me to think that way as its exciting for him. but idk maybe i should let me him know how i feel, it will probs come out eventually.

now i can't sleep.

i fall for people too fast.

i don't matter to anyone.

no one loves or cares about me.
i don't matter to anyone.
its killing me.
i'm so sad.

stupid.

i'm alone, of course, i really shouldn't even have to mention that, its a given.
i should be sleeping but like always my mind wants to think about things that make me sad and my eyes want to cry about it.
just thinking about stupid memories.

i feel lonely most of the time, but sometimes i feel ok.
every night for the past few weeks it feels like as soon as the sun goes down, my mood goes with it and i feel desperately sad and depressed and alone.

i feel like this is just the way it is; me alone. always.
me alone to face the world with  no one.
just me, alone.

and that very...lonely.

i've pretty much given on trying to find someone to love me, i can't even find someone to keep a date.
but i know my heart will never let me give up.

even if i found someone i would spend the whole time worrying when they would dump me, so i'm alone and i worry about no one ever loving me and i'm with someone and i worry about them leaving.

what will make me happy?

it all goes back to one silly thing.
i want a hug.
i want to not feel like i have no one and its just me and theres no other option,
i want to connect with someone.

i want  someone to see what a good person i am and see how many nice attributes i have.
i know now its not because i'm a bad person, because i'm not, i'm a lovely person but no one sees it.

idk what to do anymore.
i thought years ago i was in a bad place and i would always think; it can't always be like this, life moves on, it won't always be like this.
it pretty much is.

and then i just think about what a failure i am.

i know i'm not a bad person but i still can't help but hate myself...which helps nothing.

i'm lonely. what's new?

thats pretty much it...

i am an awful person.

i should feel nothing but ashamed of myself.

anytime i try to reach out to anyone i'm pushed away like what i did was wrong and shouldn't be done again, i believe it now.

just be ok with being alone, its better.
repeat it.
believe it.
live it.

alone (again...always)

just wishing i had someone to talk too and someone that gave a shit about me and what i wanted.
i don't want to let anyone in  anymore but at the same time , i want to be close to someone without actually going close to them...if that makes sense.

i want to get back to a place where i don't expect anything and being alone is all i know and there is no other option, but i know there is now but i will never have it.

i guess i just have to keep telling myself i'm a piece of shit and that no one will ever love me and i will die alone.

it will sink in eventually i hope.
there is no point expecting anything or hoping.

die.

i've always hated myself but not as much as i do now.
i'm a pathetic, fat, ugly stupid piece of shit.
no one will ever love me or see anything good in me worth keeping.
i will die alone.
and i will deserve it.

alone.

i'm alone and i'm sad.
i want to stop feeling this way.
i wish it would go away.
i wish someone could just love me how i am.
i wish i was given a chance.
i'm alone and i have no one.
i don't even know what to do anymore.
i wish someone would reach out to me and be there for me.
i just want to cry and cry and have someone be there and not judge me, just hold me.
but there isn't anyone.
i'm alone.
i can't handle being alone anymore.
i really opened myself up to someone and i started to really trust them and they decided they didn't want me anymore.
i have never felt so hurt.
i'm so stupid.
i'm so alone.
i don't know what to do.
i hate myself.

ghuirsghvoz;si

ks dumped me.
he never liked me that much.
i'm a fucking idiot.
i am so fucking stupid.
to think someone could like me? i'm an ugly piece of shit.
i deserve to be sad and alone forever.
pfft, thinking someone could like me.
i'm ugly and stupid and offer nothing good to the world.
just a waste of fat space.
god its embarrasing to think he liked the way i look.
i'm so stupid.
i hate myself.
i guess he treated me the way i deserve.
like shit.

fucking it up (probs)

i really like KS lookalike, probs going to fuck it up though.

his really patient and kind and honest and easy to talk too but even a guy as nice as that can only take so much shit from an emotionally retarded person.

i'm going to push him too far and he'll disappear.

i'm waiting for when he probably messages me and tells me he doesn't want to see me anymore.
been through a bit of shit in the last week, its good to be honest but its just put me more on edge that he'll disappear soon.
i really don't want him too.

i've been a bit of a bitch to him (and when i get cold, i'm fucking nasty frosty) i hate myself for doing it but i almost can't help it.

idk he'll bail eventually.

i guess its time to just saviour all the hugs and affection while its still there.