stupid.

i'm alone, of course, i really shouldn't even have to mention that, its a given.
i should be sleeping but like always my mind wants to think about things that make me sad and my eyes want to cry about it.
just thinking about stupid memories.

i feel lonely most of the time, but sometimes i feel ok.
every night for the past few weeks it feels like as soon as the sun goes down, my mood goes with it and i feel desperately sad and depressed and alone.

i feel like this is just the way it is; me alone. always.
me alone to face the world with  no one.
just me, alone.

and that very...lonely.

i've pretty much given on trying to find someone to love me, i can't even find someone to keep a date.
but i know my heart will never let me give up.

even if i found someone i would spend the whole time worrying when they would dump me, so i'm alone and i worry about no one ever loving me and i'm with someone and i worry about them leaving.

what will make me happy?

it all goes back to one silly thing.
i want a hug.
i want to not feel like i have no one and its just me and theres no other option,
i want to connect with someone.

i want  someone to see what a good person i am and see how many nice attributes i have.
i know now its not because i'm a bad person, because i'm not, i'm a lovely person but no one sees it.

idk what to do anymore.
i thought years ago i was in a bad place and i would always think; it can't always be like this, life moves on, it won't always be like this.
it pretty much is.

and then i just think about what a failure i am.

i know i'm not a bad person but i still can't help but hate myself...which helps nothing.