bed (& sex)

i love my bed, if i could have my way i would conduct all my business from bed and never leave.
watching dvds in bed is all time fav.
or reading in silence with the sun streaming through my curtains. this is even more satisfying when my room is clean and everything is in place, there is a candle burning and my cat is sleeping next to me, it makes it extra peaceful that way.

lately i've been wanting to use my bed for less innocent activities...
i want to get laid.

i'm not really one for casual sex, it has been something i was engaged in in the past; to less than desirable results.
the first time i had sex with a stranger was when i was in japan about 18 months ago, we got talking at the airport bus stop and had (a lot) of drinks the next night, morally loose me said while making out in his hotel room, i didn't want to go any further, next thing i knew he was down in the lobby buying condoms. considering his treatment of me after this drunk fuck (which i barely remember) i am glad to know that while buying some sushi and green iced tea from a vendor is rather easy, purchasing condoms; not so much.

it was mostly disappointing as it was the first time i had spoken to a guy sober and we actually had a nice  conversation and given his body language i could tell he was interested (in my pussy it turned out) and the next night when we went out i thought we genuinely got along well. it was disappointing when it became obvious to me that i had been used.

i then went through a phase where  i thought the only way i could get a guy to like me was to sleep with him. i joined an adult 'dating' site as i mostly just wanted to feel pretty and i actually got a lot of requests.

i didn't really think i would go ahead with anything until a really cute guy expressed interest.
after arrangements were made for him to come to my house later that evening it was surreal and i was nervous as fuck...but excited.
(unfortunately) he was dream guy material; architect, glasses, dark hair, varsity style jacket. post coital, it was discovered we were both at the strokes concert a few weeks before.
too bad he was just here with the intention of just fucking me than getting to know me.
but the whole thing kinda made me feel sexy and wanted.

even better, i didn't even need to touch or suck his cock, he was good to go. a nice ego boost.
the fucking was pretty good, after he came he tried to make me come, but to no avail.

idk while when a guy goes down on me, it obviously feels good, really good. but not enough for me to finish, unless their down there for a lonnng time but even then i feel like giving up.

after he left, i felt like i should finish myself off; it took like 20 minutes. wtf.

i'm fairly inexperienced and still don't really have any clue as to what i'm doing. like i'm not really sure what i like and i can't quite get the words out to say what i like.
and i think i also need to feel connected to the guy, like they care about me and what i want and i feel totally comfortable with them, i think because of how self conscious i am, i really struggle to relax completely and thats probs why i can't come, with a guy anyway, i can make myself come (geez just in case you were wondering.)
and we're not fucking; but making love.

i've never made love, just fucked.
i've really only slept with people that don't care about me.

only 2 of the 7 or so guys i've slept with  have actually kinda mattered. urgh sounds so bad but i'm not even sure what my number is as i've decided to block 2 or so out, i'm pretty sure it is 7 but i've decided its actually 5, idk 7 kinda makes me feel like a slut, as i only lost my virginity when i was 19 and i've never had a boyfriend so think 7 is almost a slut made.

the first was obviously the first guy, it wasn't overly special, it just hurt a lot and lasted like 20 seconds because of the pain. but he cared about me and thats all i wanted when poppin' the cherry. my virginity never meant much to me, the care factor was the only perquisite.
the second was 'that boy' (see post below) because of whole dating thing i suppose and because i did actually like him.
he wasn't able to make me come though; he almost did once. he was fingering me and i was getting really close, he was working the clit and then stopped and i actually had the guts to tell him to keep going with that but idk, he didn't hear me or whatever (i probably said it really quietly, saying 'clit' out loud or any sexual word or phrase; 'cock' 'keep fucking me like that' just makes me feel real shy) and yeah he eventually stopped. boo.

the entire time we were dating we had sex probably like 3 times, idk i don't want to be mean, but i think he had problems with...you know.
i'm really hoping its not because i'm incapable of arousing an erection.
and it had no feeling or emotions in it, he was just thrusting away; i could have been anyone...or anything. which is a shame.
but he was a fucking good kisser.

ok i just remembered this so let me redeem him, he came over one morning and we got down in my bed, it was actually really fun, pretty much i've only ever been in the missionary position, but i discovered i really liked being on top. similarly, when a guy is going down on me, i don't feel much when i've got a cock inside me, idk i kinda do, but obviously its different to the having your clit flicked; but i really like the feeling of being 'full' particularly when its with a guy i actually liked, and i while riding him, i actually felt something really good going on down there.
so that was a fun time.

so yeah, its been like 10 months since i had the cock (with 'that boy') and tbh, i've been craving it lately.
right now, sucking a cock would go down pretty well.
they could even come in my mouth if i then quickly swallow it, semen tastes gross y'all and i'm already pretty squeamish (i struggle to not make a face of disgust when a guy kisses me after being down there and i actually think in terms of smell and what not i'm pretty down there, but i don't want to taste my lips on their lips...on my lips) the first time a guy came in my mouth, i almost dry wrenched and it came back out again, thats the only time thats happened, so for future reference; i will be swallowing quickly.

so i've been feeling pretty up for it lately, but idk what to do about it.
masturbating has kinda lost its appeal (although tbh, i prolly will after this post) as i really want to be with someone else, to kiss someone and suck their cock (!) have someone go down on me and fill me with cock and just fuck; i'm at a point where i'm in the mood to fuck, not make love.
but idk, i don't think i really want to go down the whole casual sex road again, it just makes me feel like shit as i want to have sex with feeling and it would also mean getting a wax and actually finding someone.
so what am i suppose to do? wait until i meet someone? i have pretty much given up on that, if i wait to even be dating someone so its not totally random. i'm sure that will be years away.

but idk maybe because i do just feel like fucking, casual sex wouldn't be too bad, i just need to treat it as a fuck.

idk given i can mostly be all talk and no action, there will be no action to be made.
sigh.

well this post has definitely been more about sex than expected, but idk maybe it will get me some more visitors; not that i'm really writing this for that, this is a totally self indulgent blog remember?

but its def more fun to read about sex then how much of  sad sack i am.

that boy

i'm actually using this blog a lot more than i thought i would.
i thought i would just use it to word vomit all that stuff out the other night, that entry was posted at about 2am in the hopes it would stop my mind from racing and i thought i would leave it at that.

but oh no, i have plenty to bitch and whine and moan about.
i guess this is ultimately a diary, like many blogs are, so it doesn't really make a difference whether its written in a notebook (but it would take ages to write all this stuff down, i haven't written so much since i left high school, i like physically writing and i like seeing other people's hand writing.) although if this were a diary i would include more the sordid details in detail but idk i kinda like airing even just a portion of my dirty laundry, i'm hoping it will help me, while you will suffer (if anyone actually reads this) it may deplete some of mine.

i am feeling a lot better than yesterday, i think it is just in my process to have a total meltdown, lose all logic and perspective and just be a total depressive, over emotional mope.
to say the least, this is hardly an attractive position to see me in.

you'd think because of this; i'd be able to keep this to myself.
no, i have been doing something out of the ordinary for me and exposing myself...fugitively speaking, no one would want to see me expose myself in the literal way.

in my first post i mentioned a boy that i had dated for 2 months, he has proved himself to be an odd (i will use this word a lot to describe him) provider of support.

we were never technically seeing each other too seriously, when this whole thing was starting it all seemed very hopeful. we texted constantly and exchanged photos and he gave me compliments i actually believed.
he took me out on the first date i had ever been on, i instantly felt comfortable around him (i never feel comfortable about guys) and i thought he was sooooo cute.
and i knew he actually liked me as we had arranged to see a movie with no plans afterwards, this then turned into dinner and then a walk and then he asked if he could kiss me (my first sober kiss) and we made out in the carpark next to my car...then in my car...and then again in my car, now parked next to his car. inbetween making out and him feeling me up (outside my clothes) he asked me out again.

i was so smitten, i finally felt liked.

idk i could write about this for ages but i'll try and condense it.

2nd date, awesome.
3rd date, he invited me other to this house, his housemate wasn't home that night so i stayed the night...urgh pains me to say but it was...ok, the beginnings of doubt and paranoia set in.
i had to leave somewhat early as he had somewhere to be, i had hoped we could have had breakfast and spent some more time together.

i instantly began to worry that now he had slept with me he would lose interest in me.
i cried that night.

he didn't...well not completely.
continued to date, but dates became weekly, if that.
he no longer asked for pics and the compliments pretty much stopped, unless i asked and i would eventually, after him saying he couldn't think of anything, drag something out.

i just liked him so much, i think partly because of way he was treating me but i really did love his company and i was almost giddy when seeing him.
i would have major doubts during the days (week) i wouldn't see him but then i would and i would get cuddles and kisses and we genuinely did have a few really nice moments that continue to mean a lot to me and i miss, i knew he liked me. just not enough.

i wish i had been stronger and ended it sooner, my instincts were telling me it wasn't right, but i wasn't listening, i was too wrapped up in the little intimacy we had. i knew in my heart, we should only be friends and we would never be anything more.
but because of the way i am, i thought if i just kept trying, i would charm him and he would like me...enough.

the way he ended it disappointed me, he avoided me for 3 weeks.
text messages got fewer and farther between and i became desperate.
he called me one night, i missed his call, but i knew he was ending it. we had a bit of a cat and mouse game, i would miss him he would miss me.
i finally texted him and said i had had enough.

he was sorry for the way he had treated me, i spent the rest of the day firing questions at him; did he secretly hate holding my hand? did he only invite me other that night because of the convenience of his housemate not being home? i wasn't allowed over otherwise, he said no, but i doubt (unfortunately) this.

i know he sounds like a total asshole, but he isn't, just an asshole of circumstance.
i didn't mention his 35 (i never felt our age gap) and i think just incapable or idk too lazy; to feel more than friendship.
but he did try though and for a short and small period of time, he let me experience intimacy with someone.

he is the reason i now crave cuddles.

despite all this, he is still the nicest any guy has been to me.
and thats why we are still friends.
he let me be angry and pathetic at him, he never turned away.
he has the ability of not letting anything stick to him, he is odd, he intrigues me, he is the kind of person that i would really like to figure out, but i know i never will.
idk i wanted to be the girl that changed him.

i know it sounds like i still like and i kinda do, as i miss those nice times we had, but i know we are not suited.
i struggled for a while with my feelings for him, back and forth between anger and longing.
i realised i missed him, not because i missed him but i missed the feeling i had when we cuddled when i felt safe and even liked. he is merely the vessel.

since entering the friends zone, he has been exposed to my 'darkness' (i don't particularly like that expression for it but i have no idea what else to call it) which i think i kept pretty well under wraps while we were dating...at lest until the end anyway.

while when i feel this way i just want to be feel loved, he actually gives good and proper, if not sarcastic, advice. as he has perspective.

i know i can message him whenever and he has no idea how much that means to me, if it wasn't him, it would be no one.
while in my dark place yesterday, he said to me; one day you will stop being a victim (insert my name here) and i hope its soon. not everything is always your fault.
it doesn't seem like much but i felt at that moment that i was cared about, even in his own odd way.

every now and then after one of these episodes i thank him for being so nice to me.
despite what we have been through and despite what i have said in the past about regretting what we've been through, i wouldn't change it. i am glad i met him, he gives me hope that nice guys do exist and one day a guy will give what i want and need.

but for now, he will still be the nicest any guy has been to me.
and i still miss his cuddles.

counter attack, still without cuddles

its days like these that i'm not particularly enthusiastic about living.
i just want everything to stop and disappear.
i just want to be left alone.

a turn with my boss, that i ironically predicted.
idk long story, short.

was meant to have a conciliation phone call on tuesday morning, got a call monday afternoon telling me that they hadn't responsed to their request so it will therefor be postponed.

my initial thought was; how stupid.
while a slightly paranoid thought, it occured to me that they was preparing a counter attack.
now i'm sure your thinking; this is pretty dramatic, but you don't know what this person is capable of.

so no surprise today when i recieve a letter; from them.
they had sent me a copy the letter she has sent to Fair Work.

i can only imagine they sent me this letter in an act of bullying and intimidation, a threat to me, to stop what i'm doing.
i would explain in more detail what this letter was about, but atm i just want to block it from my memory.

basically, a counter attack.

i have never claimed to be innocent in this whole process, i know i have done things wrong, but they are just as guilty as me.

i just didn't want them to win.
i wanted to feel like i had achieved some kind of justice after years of suffering and frustration at that job.

right now i'm struggling with whether i want to quit this, a big part of me just wants to lay down and take it, like i don't care who wins, i just want the money they owes me; which they never mentioned in this letter and move on this my life. going to be hard considering i obviously don't have a reference for the job i spent the last 3 years at, nothing suss;  i had coworkers as refs but since finding out they have turned on me i pretty much have no one.

i am not a bad person.
but thats how i've been left feeling in this whole process.
i just wanted to try and stand up for myself and every time i have tried to do this, i am smacked back down, repeatedly.

do i even want to get back up?

yeah i'm whining, but why does this stuff happen to me?
why the constant drama and hurt and pain?
just leave me alone to cruise along. i would happily just cruise through life with nothing overly exciting ever happening to me if it was peaceful.

i thought years ago i had hit rock bottom; unable to find a job, spending a year unemployed, have a major personal crisis (not that i'm going to tell you; you WOULD judge me)
i feel like i've taken enough shit for a lifetime, i am 21.
is this what life is like?
if so, no thanks.

back to being a stalker creep, reading Kevin Smith's blog, he talked about being in Vancouver at film school and feeling really lonely as everyone was back home. he said that he felt during that time he was paying this dues, so he'd never have to be alone again.
he now has a loving family and kick ass career.

it made me hope with everything i have that this is what this period in my life is for me.
i'm a good person, i deserve to be atleast semi happy and content.
but do i really? idk, tbh, idk.
a large percentage of me does, as i feel like i have paid my dues.
i have been fucking lonely and miserable for too long.

i cannot wait to be away from this period in life, where i can look back and think 'i got through that and i am so much better for it.' because i'm (atleast semi) happy with myself and life, hopefully with a good job and a loving partner who just fucking adores me and me him.

but right now, i just want to curl up in bed with a movie and die for a bit.
a cuddle would go down well too.
guess a pillow will have to do.

word vomit

this post is bullshit, totally self indulgent bullshit.
i need to vomit a whole load of crap out and if you choose, you will read about it, i do not however expect anyone ever to stumble across this blog...even if they did happen to stumble across it, i doubt they would stick around to read the deets.
i just want to share my pain with someone and i have no one to talk too.

usually i'm pretty good with my spelling and grammar being correct but i really can't be fucked with it right now, so no i'm not retarded, save those opinions for later; i know how to use a semi-colon; ta-da (which i have become a fan of recently) and i know my 'they're' from my 'theirs' and 'theres.'


so basically, i am really depressed.
this has plagued me for about 9 years since i was 12, i am 21.

some of it is circumstance but otherwise i just think its apart of my personality and also my genetics, my grandfather, whom i never meet, committed suicide and its undetermined whether my uncle on the same side also did.

i've experienced these feelings for a very long time, single digits, obviously its completely 'normal' to experience a rollcoaster of emotions but i always had trouble shaking off the sadness.

i'm not a total downer btw, i am fun person, i think i have a great sense of humour, i am caring person and i really love to laugh, i just have a real darkness inside of me.

i have never shared this 'darkness' with anyone, i am very much in my head and i never ask for help.
i don't think its because i'm overly proud, its mostly out of self consciousness and i really don't want to bother anyone, no one wants to hear how depressed someone is.

telling someone how i feel would be very exposing and also very humiliating for me. i fear judgement from others.

blah blah blah.

right now, i just want a hug. i crave affection.

i was fired from my job late august, a fact i was actually glad about as i didn't necessarily hate my job but the problem was my boss. to say the least (and that would probably to the smartest) they were hardly my favourite person it would take a while to explain my feelings in whole about this person, but they doesn't deserve my time.

i worked there for 3 years since i was 18 and i was very good at my job, it was a small business, to which my boss effectively abandoned to those who worked there (me mostly) and i cared way too much (a def downfall in life for me.)

the firing was nasty (wouldn't expect anything less) and even though they is physically out of my life (i don't have to look at their disgustingly smug face) they makes my life hell, urghh can't be bothered with deets, but they haven't paid me entitlements i'm owed and their laxness is preventing me from claiming unemployment. i'm currently in the process of dealing with unfair dismissal.
i really hope for justice, i fanatise about a payout they would have to give me, but if life has taught me anything, i should expect to fail.

i am now very isolated, i have few friends.
i had friends in high school but i wasn't particularly close to anyone and since leaving school those people have dropped off.
lately i have been thinking that there are some i would really like to reconnect with but i feel its too late, i see them on facebook and they all have their own lifes, with new friends and jobs and uni and travel and i don't see how i could slip into all that.

i caught up with a friend i was rather close to in the beginning of high school, we were friends right throughout but the last year or so i started to lose track of her, as she was dealing with some stuff.
i saw her for the first time in almost year a few months ago and idk it was awkward, i didn't really know her anymore. we chatted away but there were a few moments where we just looked at each other and smiled shyly, like strangers.

idk its sad but i get that people come and go into your life and i am a big believer in that, i just don't have anyone coming so i'm i guess i'm clinging onto the people going.

i'm not overly social and since losing my job, which was in customer service and filled up much of my social quota, i have become more isolated.

the friends i have now, i really like. but i keep my distance, while i really want to let people in that fear of judgement and losing people creeps  in, so i stay back.

but idk it kinda works for the friendships i have.
we can go weeks without communicating, except for the occasional comment or like on facebook.
all of us seem to like doing our own thing.

i've always been good at pretending everythings ok and i'm happy, i like to think its pretty convincing, sometime i convince myself.


i've never thought about killing myself, i self harmed once when it was 'cool', but i'm bad with blood and the scratched i made on my wrist healed quickly. but a part of me wished i could slice my flesh, this was when i was about 15 and incredibly angry with myself, so much so i didn't know what to do about it.

suicide doesn't appeal or occur to me.
i know i will live, whether its a happy or sad life idk, depends on the day.
right now the future is bleak, but its there.

i compare it against my sister's life. she is 16 months older than me. on the outside looking in, we seem to see others lives as being easier than others; they make it through with fewer struggles and sufferings. obviously i have seen my sister's life and i know she has had struggles but still; fewer than me.
i have always thought that out of all siblings, one will have a mostly charmed life and the other will struggle through.

i imagine i will be a crazy aunt who has many cats (right now, i would say my cat is my best friend) a crappy no end job and no love. while my sister lives with her now boyfriend, soon to be husband possibly with some children and their property empire (which they are currently building)
and i will be the one to pity with my shitty life.

i know i am pathetic and play the victim, i am aware of this, i make myself sick with it...and the loathing continues. i am stuck; drowning in it.

back to what i want right now; a hug or to specify; a cuddle.
i would classify a hug as being something you give when standing up, a cuddle is more often to occur while sitting ie. on a couch or in bed when your all entangled.

someone to wrap their arms around me with warmth and affection, what i would give for that is pathetic.

it all comes back to me wanting to be and feel loved.
daddy issues; lets just skip all that.

i have never had a boyfriend, the closest i have come is dating someone was a halfhearted two months or so (he was halfhearted, i had never liked somebody so much)
but i did get cuddles and kisses when i could and they were lovely.

i'm on a dating website and have been for a year or so. i have been fucked around by many guys.
it has been a disappointing experience. before joining, i had barely had a conversation with a male (i avoided them, not that any wanted to speak to me, oh i didnt mention; i'm fat) and my general opinion of the male species is low.
i hate that fact, i am waiting for someone to prove me wrong.
given my general opinion on myself, i don't expect much, i just want someone to be nice to me. i never thought that would be so hard to find.


for someone to be in love with me, would be a miracle.
i want someone to think i'm pretty and see all those qualities others have missed.

i can't even explain it.
to have someone on my side and cuddles at night.

i really did try to date but it made me sad.
in my teen years i would form major crushes on celebs, i've decided to since rivert back to this.
my latest victim is kevin smith.

i started reading his blog, ironically named (to me, anyway) My Boring Ass Life, because the loser stalker that i am, i have started reading from the beginning, only 230 pages to go. well 200... yeah loser.

he sounds like he has a lovely life with someone that he loves.
even though he describes his sex life as 'champion fucking' 'bone hardcore' it still made me cry.
i want to champion fuck with someone.


i'm so sick of being alone but i don't want to let anyone in because i act like a possessive lunatic and i just assume they'll bail sooner or later.
and no one wants the fucked up basket case i am now, i totally get that.
and i figure i should just get used to being alone, as it will be a lonnnng life. alone.
so settle in.

i don't know who or what i am.
my mind is at war and idk which side will win.

my darkness is a small part of me, yet its winning.


idk like i said, this post is bullshit.
it could have been summed up in five words;

i just want a hug.