well...nice how

so my last post was about my uncertainty with KS lookalike.
things actually seem to be going well...

we've been seeing each other for a few weeks and consistently at that.
its really nice, his really affectionate and omg, its the best.
he says his really picky but somehow, in sommmmme fucked up way, IIIIIII am his type!!

me.
someone's type.
so strange.

unfort his currently living with his parents like an hour away, which sucks but he says thats extra motivation for him to move closer and with me starting work tomorrow 4 days a week that cuts down on the opportunity.

but i'm seeing him on friday and he'll probs meet my mum, i had dinner with his parents last week and then we're spending NYE together down at his parents, which is 5 minutes away from the beach.

and i'm also invited to his sister's wedding in January, well he invited me, so i'm not sure if i'm actually invited, but still a big deal i think.

...the sex is pretty good also :]

so things are pretty good for me right now :]
while i had my moments, i was starting to deal with being single peacefully, but this is really nice, i'm still realistic though.

...always got to be prepared for the worst :]

wishful thinking

went on a date with KS lookalike the other day, it went really well, we had lots to talk about and he was affectionate, almost too affectionate that it made me feel a bit awkward but it was  still nice.

after dinner, coffee (gelati for me) and chats we adjourned to the backseat of his car and made out.
he told me i was beautiful.

i was home alone the next night and he came over.
inevitably thing ended up in bed, he went down on me and i gave him  a handjob.
he was pretty good at it, i didn't come, close but no...

so haven't heard from him much since.
funny that.

i'm trying not to give anything to negative but idk given past experiences i'm expecting him to disappear.
i don't want him to but best to be prepared.

sigh, eat, regret later

so i ate all the cookie dough.
i mostly now just feel sick.

still lonely.

its nice weather, i would want to do something with someone but i have no one.

my sister has been with her boyfriend for 3 years and she told me she is 98% sure she wants to be with him forever. she always has someone, she's had someone since she was 15/16 and had her first long term relationship she has pretty much gone from one relationship to another since then, she has never dated or been rejected.

i've always been alone.

i haven't heard from that guy, tbh i wouldn't want to; i'd just say something depressing to scare him so its probably for the best his obviously not thinking about me.

i'm going to go be depressed on the couch and wallow my life away.

alone, together.

feeling particularly lonely today.
That Guy hurt my feelings, i doubt his aware but i can't seem to shake it, now all i want to do is devour the cookie dough in the fridge.
i had been having a pretty good run and i haven't felt this way in awhile, stats were showing 80% only about 20% not...usually it was about 60/40... 60% not happy....40% happy.

i had plans tonight but as usual they went to shit.

i started talking to someone new on the dating website i'm on, first time in ages.
and his perfect.
older than me.
teacher (i always wanted to fuck the teacher when i was in school, a girl in my year actually did and i was super jealous but i was so fucking ugly when i was 14-15ish it never would have happened)
wears glasses.
like cats.
no all manly, but seems manly enough.
likes the same movies and music as me.

LOOKS LIKE KEVIN SMITH.
for realz, a total doppelganger, though not as large.
and he prefers curvy girls and likes redheads.

only fault i'm yet to come across is that he doesn't have much of a sweet tooth which is quite disappointing as i love to bake.

so yeah his really sweet.
i'm trying not to fuck it up.

we exchanged numbers and i was the first to message, i usually don't like doing that, don't want to across all desperate and too eager.
so after we said goodnight last night i decided i wouldn't be the one to message today so it will be interesting if he messages or not, if he doesn't, idk i can only assume i haven't crossed his mind...which would disappoint me.

but yeah not going to fuck this up.

like i said, i've actually felt happy lately and not so shit about myself (sans today) so i'm hoping finally i am reaping the rewards of that.
trying to keep negative thoughts at bay.

i hope i don't fuck it up.

audience of one.

i've grown pretty accustomed to doing things alone.
movies, shopping, appointments, sleeping, (sex... :/ ) etc etc...
and for the most part i don't mind, sometimes its easier to just be in my own company than having to entertain or worrying about someone else.

but not all the time,
its coming up to summer and there are lot of events going on and i have no one to go with to anything.
i have a few friends but our interests rarely overlap and i'm left with the choice of going alone or not going at all and i'm really getting sick of the latter options; there have been COUNTLESS events i have missed on because of this and it makes me angry that my lack of company causes me to miss out completely.

it really makes me sad that i don't have someone that gets just as excited as me about different concerts and shows and that when something comes up its not instant excitement but mostly disappointment that its just another event i'll miss out on.

usually i have to either beg someone or offer to go halvzies in their ticket.

idk it just makes me sad.
it makes me realise just how alone i am or just how disconnected i am from the people that are in my life.

all these feelings were dug up earlier today.
i visited Kevin Smith's twitter every few days and was supper giddy to see that their bringing their 'Jay and Silent Bob' podcast show to .................... and that the show in my capital city was the day after my 22nd birthday.

i had previously been texting That Guy about random crap when i told him this, he knows a little about my KS infatuation, but i've kept most of it to myself (ie. i haven't let slip  that over the weekend i made a new vision board and included a picture of him on it...not so much in the way that i want him, i mean he is very nice to look at but more what he represents; he seems like a genuinelly decent guy, smart, funny and his a good husband and father. thats what i want) and i know that That Guy likes KS' movies (he was in his mid 20's in the 90's) so i asked if he would be interested.

he asked who was paying and i said he should be paying considering it was my birthday (haha) or alternativly, the event wasn't until april so i could get tickets (the presale had started) and he could just pay me back. but i mean come on, tickets were like $80 and the guy has a full time job, i have no job and i can afford it.

he wrote back that to be honest he wasn;t really interested in listening to KS talk for hours.
i should have been expecting this response but idk i was hopeful.
i tried to guilt him by saying thanks i'll just be alone on my birthday and he called me emo.

it really annoys me when he does this, he thinks that having any emotions is 'emo'
i responsed; i'm not being emo, i never have anyone to go to events too, i either have to go by myself or miss out. excuse me for having a normal human emotion.
blah blah.

but it did get me down and the eyes watered for a minute or two.

so it looks like i'm going by myself.
its better than not going at all i suppose, its now my birthday present to myself, but it sucks not having anyone to turn too and share the experience with.

what makes me the most sad is that i feel i have no choice but to be alone, i ask and invite people to do things with me, they just never want too.

but i suppose all these experiences are probably preparing me for an existance spent alone.

respect.

i just received an interesting text message.
i was expecting it to be a friend confirming the movies for tomorrow night, or That Boy with some random...whatever, so it goes with him.

but no.
it was from this guy i met in japan when i was there about 18 months ago.

i went there by myself, it was my first trip overseas. it was actually spontaneous, i had been feeling like i wanted to run away and this provided a good opportunity.

i met him at the airport bus stop, we were waiting to get a shuttle bus to the similar area.
we were on the same flight.
it was a bit of a thrill for me as we just struck up conversation, at the time this had never happened to me and had only spoken to guys when drunk in a dark nightclub, not blindingly sober after an 12 hour flight on a humid Tokyo night.

so we exchanged numbers and said we'd catch up one night.

and we did the next night.
he was there for business and we caught up after he was done with a business dinner.

we went out and drank.
it was stupid of me at the time, but it was so nice to talk to a guy and feel like you get along.
we bar hopped a bit, he bought the drinks, saying he'd write it off as a business expense.

we ended up at a Geisha karaoke bar drinking whiskey.
if i take away the hurt that was to come, it was actually fun.

he met me at my hotel and by this time we had made our way closer to his.
i was so wasted by then, i don't even remember.

but you know, i ended up in his room.
we started making out and i remember saying i didn't want to go any further...urgh, whatever.

one consolation is that he at least had the embarrassment of having to buy condoms in a foreign country. (i think i've briefly covered this...)

so yeah, we fucked.
i don't really remember it, i do remember him shoving his cock in my face.
anyway we fucked again in the morning, he again shoved his cock in my face, but i declined.

he said to let him know when i was done for the day.

i mean, i totally understand this was just a fuck thing, but i figured since we were both alone in a foreign country it was kinda nice having someone you at least vaguely know to perhaps kill  a few hours with and i knew the second he left, i'd never hear from him again and i was fine with that.

the next day i got done with a day tour, i went back to my hotel and texted him i was done. i was absolutely exhausted getting hardly any sleep the night before (obvz...) but i figured i'd be going out later so i fell asleep in my make up and woke up every few hours to check both my phone and make up.

i received a text later that night simply saying 'business dinners run late. sorry'
i didn't however, interpret this as him blowing me off.

saturday he was leaving, i was going to a Kabuki performance, i sent him one last text even stupidly including that if he was ever in .............. to give me a call.

he never wrote back.
and i deleted his number.

it really hurt my feelings, it was the first time i had been blatantly used and that everything that had occurred that night prior to us sleeping together meant nothing.
i thought i was making a breakthrough, it was just a major sleep back.

i sulked all saturday and wanted to go home.
its surprising what being screwed over in a foreign country (literally) can make you wish you were home more than anything.

anyway i left 2 days later.
it was educational to say the least.

so anyway, tonight.
i received a text message from him. i'm surprised he kept my number.
there was a basic intro.
and then the kicker- 'so you said to give you a call when i'm in ......... i'll be there in 2 weeks, does the offer still stand?'
i could have said yes and slept with him to settle my animal urges.
but no, he hurt me and treated me like shit.

so i sent back- 'considering how things went down in Japan, i don't think so.'
him- 'ok no worries' like it was all cool. urgh.
me - 'you can delete my number. i get i may have a one night stand but you could have treated me with some respect'

as in writing back and saying, sorry can't see you again, thanks for the fun night.
thats all he had to do, but apparently i wasn't even worth that, so his not worth sticking his (probably small...i can't remember) dick in me.

him- 'deleted'

the insecure, desperate part of me wanted to say yes.

but i know i did the right thing, i treated myself with respect.

woot.

such a joke...

for regular readers (haha) you'd remember in the post the other day i mentioned that i have plans both tonight and tomorrow...
in a span of like 30 minutes, there both ruined.

lol i just don't understand why things are always so hard?

tonight i was meant to be going to a friend's 30th birthday, the plan was that i was going to catch a train to the inner city where another friend of mine works and we were then going to drive together, she always lives somewhat near me so she was also going to drop me home.
i got home from the gym and i was in such a good mood because i was looking forward to my weekend.

i then got a text from this friend saying sorry she's sick in bed and won't be able to make it.
obviously her being sick isn't her fault and i'm not at all annoyed at her.
its just the situation.
so idk what to do now, do i get the train in? which would involve a 45 min train ride, followed by a tram to a place i don't even know where i'm going and would take over an hour.
getting home is obvious a problem and would involve the tram and train by myself late at night or an $80 cab ride home.

and theres also the fact that aside from the bday girl, shes the only other person i would know.
i have been out with the bday girl and some of her friends before and their nice and welcoming so  i don't think me not having fun would be a problem so much.

so idk.

and then saturday night, i'm going to my friend's brother's 18th.
we're going to a club in the city and getting a limo from their house.

my friend that lives near me, we were going to carpool.
she messages me before and is all -idk i'm sick so i don't think i'll drink and just drive in so we can leave whenever plus i don't want to pay for the limo.

urgh. i really like this friend but shes such a downer.
she never wants to go out and when we are out she never wants to drink and always wants to go home early.
i understand clubs aren't for everyone but we go out so infrequently, just have a few drinks and a dance and just enjoy yourself, she never seems to have fun and it annoys me.

i don't want to drive in with her and i don't want to leave early.
i want to get wasted and dance all night.

plus she works full time and the limo is like $30.
whatever i still think i'm going to go to this friends house with or without her and get the limo.

its just such a joke, all i wanted to do was have fun this weekend and its already turned to shit and is too hard.
i'll probably just bail on tonight

...

just talked to my sister, she said i should still go, get the train and tram in and she would be willing to pick me up later.

grr idk, it all seems like too much effort.
if i did bail on tonight i don't think my friend would mind and would understand and it just means that we can just catch up another time.

screw my friend tonight tomorrow, i'm def getting the limo.

idk going to think about tonight a bit longer.

just having that conversation with my sister has made me feel better, its amazing what happens when you can actually talk to someone...