stupid.

i'm alone, of course, i really shouldn't even have to mention that, its a given.
i should be sleeping but like always my mind wants to think about things that make me sad and my eyes want to cry about it.
just thinking about stupid memories.

i feel lonely most of the time, but sometimes i feel ok.
every night for the past few weeks it feels like as soon as the sun goes down, my mood goes with it and i feel desperately sad and depressed and alone.

i feel like this is just the way it is; me alone. always.
me alone to face the world with  no one.
just me, alone.

and that very...lonely.

i've pretty much given on trying to find someone to love me, i can't even find someone to keep a date.
but i know my heart will never let me give up.

even if i found someone i would spend the whole time worrying when they would dump me, so i'm alone and i worry about no one ever loving me and i'm with someone and i worry about them leaving.

what will make me happy?

it all goes back to one silly thing.
i want a hug.
i want to not feel like i have no one and its just me and theres no other option,
i want to connect with someone.

i want  someone to see what a good person i am and see how many nice attributes i have.
i know now its not because i'm a bad person, because i'm not, i'm a lovely person but no one sees it.

idk what to do anymore.
i thought years ago i was in a bad place and i would always think; it can't always be like this, life moves on, it won't always be like this.
it pretty much is.

and then i just think about what a failure i am.

i know i'm not a bad person but i still can't help but hate myself...which helps nothing.

ghuirsghvoz;si

ks dumped me.
he never liked me that much.
i'm a fucking idiot.
i am so fucking stupid.
to think someone could like me? i'm an ugly piece of shit.
i deserve to be sad and alone forever.
pfft, thinking someone could like me.
i'm ugly and stupid and offer nothing good to the world.
just a waste of fat space.
god its embarrasing to think he liked the way i look.
i'm so stupid.
i hate myself.
i guess he treated me the way i deserve.
like shit.

sigh, eat, regret later

so i ate all the cookie dough.
i mostly now just feel sick.

still lonely.

its nice weather, i would want to do something with someone but i have no one.

my sister has been with her boyfriend for 3 years and she told me she is 98% sure she wants to be with him forever. she always has someone, she's had someone since she was 15/16 and had her first long term relationship she has pretty much gone from one relationship to another since then, she has never dated or been rejected.

i've always been alone.

i haven't heard from that guy, tbh i wouldn't want to; i'd just say something depressing to scare him so its probably for the best his obviously not thinking about me.

i'm going to go be depressed on the couch and wallow my life away.

audience of one.

i've grown pretty accustomed to doing things alone.
movies, shopping, appointments, sleeping, (sex... :/ ) etc etc...
and for the most part i don't mind, sometimes its easier to just be in my own company than having to entertain or worrying about someone else.

but not all the time,
its coming up to summer and there are lot of events going on and i have no one to go with to anything.
i have a few friends but our interests rarely overlap and i'm left with the choice of going alone or not going at all and i'm really getting sick of the latter options; there have been COUNTLESS events i have missed on because of this and it makes me angry that my lack of company causes me to miss out completely.

it really makes me sad that i don't have someone that gets just as excited as me about different concerts and shows and that when something comes up its not instant excitement but mostly disappointment that its just another event i'll miss out on.

usually i have to either beg someone or offer to go halvzies in their ticket.

idk it just makes me sad.
it makes me realise just how alone i am or just how disconnected i am from the people that are in my life.

all these feelings were dug up earlier today.
i visited Kevin Smith's twitter every few days and was supper giddy to see that their bringing their 'Jay and Silent Bob' podcast show to .................... and that the show in my capital city was the day after my 22nd birthday.

i had previously been texting That Guy about random crap when i told him this, he knows a little about my KS infatuation, but i've kept most of it to myself (ie. i haven't let slip  that over the weekend i made a new vision board and included a picture of him on it...not so much in the way that i want him, i mean he is very nice to look at but more what he represents; he seems like a genuinelly decent guy, smart, funny and his a good husband and father. thats what i want) and i know that That Guy likes KS' movies (he was in his mid 20's in the 90's) so i asked if he would be interested.

he asked who was paying and i said he should be paying considering it was my birthday (haha) or alternativly, the event wasn't until april so i could get tickets (the presale had started) and he could just pay me back. but i mean come on, tickets were like $80 and the guy has a full time job, i have no job and i can afford it.

he wrote back that to be honest he wasn;t really interested in listening to KS talk for hours.
i should have been expecting this response but idk i was hopeful.
i tried to guilt him by saying thanks i'll just be alone on my birthday and he called me emo.

it really annoys me when he does this, he thinks that having any emotions is 'emo'
i responsed; i'm not being emo, i never have anyone to go to events too, i either have to go by myself or miss out. excuse me for having a normal human emotion.
blah blah.

but it did get me down and the eyes watered for a minute or two.

so it looks like i'm going by myself.
its better than not going at all i suppose, its now my birthday present to myself, but it sucks not having anyone to turn too and share the experience with.

what makes me the most sad is that i feel i have no choice but to be alone, i ask and invite people to do things with me, they just never want too.

but i suppose all these experiences are probably preparing me for an existance spent alone.

such a joke...

for regular readers (haha) you'd remember in the post the other day i mentioned that i have plans both tonight and tomorrow...
in a span of like 30 minutes, there both ruined.

lol i just don't understand why things are always so hard?

tonight i was meant to be going to a friend's 30th birthday, the plan was that i was going to catch a train to the inner city where another friend of mine works and we were then going to drive together, she always lives somewhat near me so she was also going to drop me home.
i got home from the gym and i was in such a good mood because i was looking forward to my weekend.

i then got a text from this friend saying sorry she's sick in bed and won't be able to make it.
obviously her being sick isn't her fault and i'm not at all annoyed at her.
its just the situation.
so idk what to do now, do i get the train in? which would involve a 45 min train ride, followed by a tram to a place i don't even know where i'm going and would take over an hour.
getting home is obvious a problem and would involve the tram and train by myself late at night or an $80 cab ride home.

and theres also the fact that aside from the bday girl, shes the only other person i would know.
i have been out with the bday girl and some of her friends before and their nice and welcoming so  i don't think me not having fun would be a problem so much.

so idk.

and then saturday night, i'm going to my friend's brother's 18th.
we're going to a club in the city and getting a limo from their house.

my friend that lives near me, we were going to carpool.
she messages me before and is all -idk i'm sick so i don't think i'll drink and just drive in so we can leave whenever plus i don't want to pay for the limo.

urgh. i really like this friend but shes such a downer.
she never wants to go out and when we are out she never wants to drink and always wants to go home early.
i understand clubs aren't for everyone but we go out so infrequently, just have a few drinks and a dance and just enjoy yourself, she never seems to have fun and it annoys me.

i don't want to drive in with her and i don't want to leave early.
i want to get wasted and dance all night.

plus she works full time and the limo is like $30.
whatever i still think i'm going to go to this friends house with or without her and get the limo.

its just such a joke, all i wanted to do was have fun this weekend and its already turned to shit and is too hard.
i'll probably just bail on tonight

...

just talked to my sister, she said i should still go, get the train and tram in and she would be willing to pick me up later.

grr idk, it all seems like too much effort.
if i did bail on tonight i don't think my friend would mind and would understand and it just means that we can just catch up another time.

screw my friend tonight tomorrow, i'm def getting the limo.

idk going to think about tonight a bit longer.

just having that conversation with my sister has made me feel better, its amazing what happens when you can actually talk to someone...

inconvenient

having a breakdown when i should be sleeping.
i wish i could cry out loud...or talk to someone.

counter attack, still without cuddles

its days like these that i'm not particularly enthusiastic about living.
i just want everything to stop and disappear.
i just want to be left alone.

a turn with my boss, that i ironically predicted.
idk long story, short.

was meant to have a conciliation phone call on tuesday morning, got a call monday afternoon telling me that they hadn't responsed to their request so it will therefor be postponed.

my initial thought was; how stupid.
while a slightly paranoid thought, it occured to me that they was preparing a counter attack.
now i'm sure your thinking; this is pretty dramatic, but you don't know what this person is capable of.

so no surprise today when i recieve a letter; from them.
they had sent me a copy the letter she has sent to Fair Work.

i can only imagine they sent me this letter in an act of bullying and intimidation, a threat to me, to stop what i'm doing.
i would explain in more detail what this letter was about, but atm i just want to block it from my memory.

basically, a counter attack.

i have never claimed to be innocent in this whole process, i know i have done things wrong, but they are just as guilty as me.

i just didn't want them to win.
i wanted to feel like i had achieved some kind of justice after years of suffering and frustration at that job.

right now i'm struggling with whether i want to quit this, a big part of me just wants to lay down and take it, like i don't care who wins, i just want the money they owes me; which they never mentioned in this letter and move on this my life. going to be hard considering i obviously don't have a reference for the job i spent the last 3 years at, nothing suss;  i had coworkers as refs but since finding out they have turned on me i pretty much have no one.

i am not a bad person.
but thats how i've been left feeling in this whole process.
i just wanted to try and stand up for myself and every time i have tried to do this, i am smacked back down, repeatedly.

do i even want to get back up?

yeah i'm whining, but why does this stuff happen to me?
why the constant drama and hurt and pain?
just leave me alone to cruise along. i would happily just cruise through life with nothing overly exciting ever happening to me if it was peaceful.

i thought years ago i had hit rock bottom; unable to find a job, spending a year unemployed, have a major personal crisis (not that i'm going to tell you; you WOULD judge me)
i feel like i've taken enough shit for a lifetime, i am 21.
is this what life is like?
if so, no thanks.

back to being a stalker creep, reading Kevin Smith's blog, he talked about being in Vancouver at film school and feeling really lonely as everyone was back home. he said that he felt during that time he was paying this dues, so he'd never have to be alone again.
he now has a loving family and kick ass career.

it made me hope with everything i have that this is what this period in my life is for me.
i'm a good person, i deserve to be atleast semi happy and content.
but do i really? idk, tbh, idk.
a large percentage of me does, as i feel like i have paid my dues.
i have been fucking lonely and miserable for too long.

i cannot wait to be away from this period in life, where i can look back and think 'i got through that and i am so much better for it.' because i'm (atleast semi) happy with myself and life, hopefully with a good job and a loving partner who just fucking adores me and me him.

but right now, i just want to curl up in bed with a movie and die for a bit.
a cuddle would go down well too.
guess a pillow will have to do.