respect.

i just received an interesting text message.
i was expecting it to be a friend confirming the movies for tomorrow night, or That Boy with some random...whatever, so it goes with him.

but no.
it was from this guy i met in japan when i was there about 18 months ago.

i went there by myself, it was my first trip overseas. it was actually spontaneous, i had been feeling like i wanted to run away and this provided a good opportunity.

i met him at the airport bus stop, we were waiting to get a shuttle bus to the similar area.
we were on the same flight.
it was a bit of a thrill for me as we just struck up conversation, at the time this had never happened to me and had only spoken to guys when drunk in a dark nightclub, not blindingly sober after an 12 hour flight on a humid Tokyo night.

so we exchanged numbers and said we'd catch up one night.

and we did the next night.
he was there for business and we caught up after he was done with a business dinner.

we went out and drank.
it was stupid of me at the time, but it was so nice to talk to a guy and feel like you get along.
we bar hopped a bit, he bought the drinks, saying he'd write it off as a business expense.

we ended up at a Geisha karaoke bar drinking whiskey.
if i take away the hurt that was to come, it was actually fun.

he met me at my hotel and by this time we had made our way closer to his.
i was so wasted by then, i don't even remember.

but you know, i ended up in his room.
we started making out and i remember saying i didn't want to go any further...urgh, whatever.

one consolation is that he at least had the embarrassment of having to buy condoms in a foreign country. (i think i've briefly covered this...)

so yeah, we fucked.
i don't really remember it, i do remember him shoving his cock in my face.
anyway we fucked again in the morning, he again shoved his cock in my face, but i declined.

he said to let him know when i was done for the day.

i mean, i totally understand this was just a fuck thing, but i figured since we were both alone in a foreign country it was kinda nice having someone you at least vaguely know to perhaps kill  a few hours with and i knew the second he left, i'd never hear from him again and i was fine with that.

the next day i got done with a day tour, i went back to my hotel and texted him i was done. i was absolutely exhausted getting hardly any sleep the night before (obvz...) but i figured i'd be going out later so i fell asleep in my make up and woke up every few hours to check both my phone and make up.

i received a text later that night simply saying 'business dinners run late. sorry'
i didn't however, interpret this as him blowing me off.

saturday he was leaving, i was going to a Kabuki performance, i sent him one last text even stupidly including that if he was ever in .............. to give me a call.

he never wrote back.
and i deleted his number.

it really hurt my feelings, it was the first time i had been blatantly used and that everything that had occurred that night prior to us sleeping together meant nothing.
i thought i was making a breakthrough, it was just a major sleep back.

i sulked all saturday and wanted to go home.
its surprising what being screwed over in a foreign country (literally) can make you wish you were home more than anything.

anyway i left 2 days later.
it was educational to say the least.

so anyway, tonight.
i received a text message from him. i'm surprised he kept my number.
there was a basic intro.
and then the kicker- 'so you said to give you a call when i'm in ......... i'll be there in 2 weeks, does the offer still stand?'
i could have said yes and slept with him to settle my animal urges.
but no, he hurt me and treated me like shit.

so i sent back- 'considering how things went down in Japan, i don't think so.'
him- 'ok no worries' like it was all cool. urgh.
me - 'you can delete my number. i get i may have a one night stand but you could have treated me with some respect'

as in writing back and saying, sorry can't see you again, thanks for the fun night.
thats all he had to do, but apparently i wasn't even worth that, so his not worth sticking his (probably small...i can't remember) dick in me.

him- 'deleted'

the insecure, desperate part of me wanted to say yes.

but i know i did the right thing, i treated myself with respect.

woot.

bed (& sex)

i love my bed, if i could have my way i would conduct all my business from bed and never leave.
watching dvds in bed is all time fav.
or reading in silence with the sun streaming through my curtains. this is even more satisfying when my room is clean and everything is in place, there is a candle burning and my cat is sleeping next to me, it makes it extra peaceful that way.

lately i've been wanting to use my bed for less innocent activities...
i want to get laid.

i'm not really one for casual sex, it has been something i was engaged in in the past; to less than desirable results.
the first time i had sex with a stranger was when i was in japan about 18 months ago, we got talking at the airport bus stop and had (a lot) of drinks the next night, morally loose me said while making out in his hotel room, i didn't want to go any further, next thing i knew he was down in the lobby buying condoms. considering his treatment of me after this drunk fuck (which i barely remember) i am glad to know that while buying some sushi and green iced tea from a vendor is rather easy, purchasing condoms; not so much.

it was mostly disappointing as it was the first time i had spoken to a guy sober and we actually had a nice  conversation and given his body language i could tell he was interested (in my pussy it turned out) and the next night when we went out i thought we genuinely got along well. it was disappointing when it became obvious to me that i had been used.

i then went through a phase where  i thought the only way i could get a guy to like me was to sleep with him. i joined an adult 'dating' site as i mostly just wanted to feel pretty and i actually got a lot of requests.

i didn't really think i would go ahead with anything until a really cute guy expressed interest.
after arrangements were made for him to come to my house later that evening it was surreal and i was nervous as fuck...but excited.
(unfortunately) he was dream guy material; architect, glasses, dark hair, varsity style jacket. post coital, it was discovered we were both at the strokes concert a few weeks before.
too bad he was just here with the intention of just fucking me than getting to know me.
but the whole thing kinda made me feel sexy and wanted.

even better, i didn't even need to touch or suck his cock, he was good to go. a nice ego boost.
the fucking was pretty good, after he came he tried to make me come, but to no avail.

idk while when a guy goes down on me, it obviously feels good, really good. but not enough for me to finish, unless their down there for a lonnng time but even then i feel like giving up.

after he left, i felt like i should finish myself off; it took like 20 minutes. wtf.

i'm fairly inexperienced and still don't really have any clue as to what i'm doing. like i'm not really sure what i like and i can't quite get the words out to say what i like.
and i think i also need to feel connected to the guy, like they care about me and what i want and i feel totally comfortable with them, i think because of how self conscious i am, i really struggle to relax completely and thats probs why i can't come, with a guy anyway, i can make myself come (geez just in case you were wondering.)
and we're not fucking; but making love.

i've never made love, just fucked.
i've really only slept with people that don't care about me.

only 2 of the 7 or so guys i've slept with  have actually kinda mattered. urgh sounds so bad but i'm not even sure what my number is as i've decided to block 2 or so out, i'm pretty sure it is 7 but i've decided its actually 5, idk 7 kinda makes me feel like a slut, as i only lost my virginity when i was 19 and i've never had a boyfriend so think 7 is almost a slut made.

the first was obviously the first guy, it wasn't overly special, it just hurt a lot and lasted like 20 seconds because of the pain. but he cared about me and thats all i wanted when poppin' the cherry. my virginity never meant much to me, the care factor was the only perquisite.
the second was 'that boy' (see post below) because of whole dating thing i suppose and because i did actually like him.
he wasn't able to make me come though; he almost did once. he was fingering me and i was getting really close, he was working the clit and then stopped and i actually had the guts to tell him to keep going with that but idk, he didn't hear me or whatever (i probably said it really quietly, saying 'clit' out loud or any sexual word or phrase; 'cock' 'keep fucking me like that' just makes me feel real shy) and yeah he eventually stopped. boo.

the entire time we were dating we had sex probably like 3 times, idk i don't want to be mean, but i think he had problems with...you know.
i'm really hoping its not because i'm incapable of arousing an erection.
and it had no feeling or emotions in it, he was just thrusting away; i could have been anyone...or anything. which is a shame.
but he was a fucking good kisser.

ok i just remembered this so let me redeem him, he came over one morning and we got down in my bed, it was actually really fun, pretty much i've only ever been in the missionary position, but i discovered i really liked being on top. similarly, when a guy is going down on me, i don't feel much when i've got a cock inside me, idk i kinda do, but obviously its different to the having your clit flicked; but i really like the feeling of being 'full' particularly when its with a guy i actually liked, and i while riding him, i actually felt something really good going on down there.
so that was a fun time.

so yeah, its been like 10 months since i had the cock (with 'that boy') and tbh, i've been craving it lately.
right now, sucking a cock would go down pretty well.
they could even come in my mouth if i then quickly swallow it, semen tastes gross y'all and i'm already pretty squeamish (i struggle to not make a face of disgust when a guy kisses me after being down there and i actually think in terms of smell and what not i'm pretty down there, but i don't want to taste my lips on their lips...on my lips) the first time a guy came in my mouth, i almost dry wrenched and it came back out again, thats the only time thats happened, so for future reference; i will be swallowing quickly.

so i've been feeling pretty up for it lately, but idk what to do about it.
masturbating has kinda lost its appeal (although tbh, i prolly will after this post) as i really want to be with someone else, to kiss someone and suck their cock (!) have someone go down on me and fill me with cock and just fuck; i'm at a point where i'm in the mood to fuck, not make love.
but idk, i don't think i really want to go down the whole casual sex road again, it just makes me feel like shit as i want to have sex with feeling and it would also mean getting a wax and actually finding someone.
so what am i suppose to do? wait until i meet someone? i have pretty much given up on that, if i wait to even be dating someone so its not totally random. i'm sure that will be years away.

but idk maybe because i do just feel like fucking, casual sex wouldn't be too bad, i just need to treat it as a fuck.

idk given i can mostly be all talk and no action, there will be no action to be made.
sigh.

well this post has definitely been more about sex than expected, but idk maybe it will get me some more visitors; not that i'm really writing this for that, this is a totally self indulgent blog remember?

but its def more fun to read about sex then how much of  sad sack i am.