stupid.

i hate myself for thinking that someone could love me.

fml.

i met a guy i really like. his adorable; 6''4, tattoo artist, tattoos (obvz) really talented, glasses.
and his so nice to me. so gentle and sincere and caring.
i'm fairly certain he likes me as much as i like him.
his moving to europe in november possibly for good but at least for 6 months.
of course this would happen to me.

anytime i liked anyone they either don't like me back or they leave.
i finally meet someone who likes me as much as i like them and his leaving anyway.

he told me a few hours ago, it made me sad but now its really upset me.
it was nice that he told me, it was like he was saying we'd make it to november.
which just makes it harder.

i'm trying to be rational about it and get some perspective and i think about all the nice things his said and already done but my mind just keeps going back to that message and my stomach knots up and my eyes water.

idk if i should tell him who i feel, i know its selfish for me to think that way as its exciting for him. but idk maybe i should let me him know how i feel, it will probs come out eventually.

now i can't sleep.

i fall for people too fast.

i don't matter to anyone.

no one loves or cares about me.
i don't matter to anyone.
its killing me.
i'm so sad.

stupid.

i'm alone, of course, i really shouldn't even have to mention that, its a given.
i should be sleeping but like always my mind wants to think about things that make me sad and my eyes want to cry about it.
just thinking about stupid memories.

i feel lonely most of the time, but sometimes i feel ok.
every night for the past few weeks it feels like as soon as the sun goes down, my mood goes with it and i feel desperately sad and depressed and alone.

i feel like this is just the way it is; me alone. always.
me alone to face the world with  no one.
just me, alone.

and that very...lonely.

i've pretty much given on trying to find someone to love me, i can't even find someone to keep a date.
but i know my heart will never let me give up.

even if i found someone i would spend the whole time worrying when they would dump me, so i'm alone and i worry about no one ever loving me and i'm with someone and i worry about them leaving.

what will make me happy?

it all goes back to one silly thing.
i want a hug.
i want to not feel like i have no one and its just me and theres no other option,
i want to connect with someone.

i want  someone to see what a good person i am and see how many nice attributes i have.
i know now its not because i'm a bad person, because i'm not, i'm a lovely person but no one sees it.

idk what to do anymore.
i thought years ago i was in a bad place and i would always think; it can't always be like this, life moves on, it won't always be like this.
it pretty much is.

and then i just think about what a failure i am.

i know i'm not a bad person but i still can't help but hate myself...which helps nothing.

i'm lonely. what's new?

thats pretty much it...