die.

i've always hated myself but not as much as i do now.
i'm a pathetic, fat, ugly stupid piece of shit.
no one will ever love me or see anything good in me worth keeping.
i will die alone.
and i will deserve it.

alone.

i'm alone and i'm sad.
i want to stop feeling this way.
i wish it would go away.
i wish someone could just love me how i am.
i wish i was given a chance.
i'm alone and i have no one.
i don't even know what to do anymore.
i wish someone would reach out to me and be there for me.
i just want to cry and cry and have someone be there and not judge me, just hold me.
but there isn't anyone.
i'm alone.
i can't handle being alone anymore.
i really opened myself up to someone and i started to really trust them and they decided they didn't want me anymore.
i have never felt so hurt.
i'm so stupid.
i'm so alone.
i don't know what to do.
i hate myself.

ghuirsghvoz;si

ks dumped me.
he never liked me that much.
i'm a fucking idiot.
i am so fucking stupid.
to think someone could like me? i'm an ugly piece of shit.
i deserve to be sad and alone forever.
pfft, thinking someone could like me.
i'm ugly and stupid and offer nothing good to the world.
just a waste of fat space.
god its embarrasing to think he liked the way i look.
i'm so stupid.
i hate myself.
i guess he treated me the way i deserve.
like shit.

fucking it up (probs)

i really like KS lookalike, probs going to fuck it up though.

his really patient and kind and honest and easy to talk too but even a guy as nice as that can only take so much shit from an emotionally retarded person.

i'm going to push him too far and he'll disappear.

i'm waiting for when he probably messages me and tells me he doesn't want to see me anymore.
been through a bit of shit in the last week, its good to be honest but its just put me more on edge that he'll disappear soon.
i really don't want him too.

i've been a bit of a bitch to him (and when i get cold, i'm fucking nasty frosty) i hate myself for doing it but i almost can't help it.

idk he'll bail eventually.

i guess its time to just saviour all the hugs and affection while its still there.

well...nice how

so my last post was about my uncertainty with KS lookalike.
things actually seem to be going well...

we've been seeing each other for a few weeks and consistently at that.
its really nice, his really affectionate and omg, its the best.
he says his really picky but somehow, in sommmmme fucked up way, IIIIIII am his type!!

me.
someone's type.
so strange.

unfort his currently living with his parents like an hour away, which sucks but he says thats extra motivation for him to move closer and with me starting work tomorrow 4 days a week that cuts down on the opportunity.

but i'm seeing him on friday and he'll probs meet my mum, i had dinner with his parents last week and then we're spending NYE together down at his parents, which is 5 minutes away from the beach.

and i'm also invited to his sister's wedding in January, well he invited me, so i'm not sure if i'm actually invited, but still a big deal i think.

...the sex is pretty good also :]

so things are pretty good for me right now :]
while i had my moments, i was starting to deal with being single peacefully, but this is really nice, i'm still realistic though.

...always got to be prepared for the worst :]

wishful thinking

went on a date with KS lookalike the other day, it went really well, we had lots to talk about and he was affectionate, almost too affectionate that it made me feel a bit awkward but it was  still nice.

after dinner, coffee (gelati for me) and chats we adjourned to the backseat of his car and made out.
he told me i was beautiful.

i was home alone the next night and he came over.
inevitably thing ended up in bed, he went down on me and i gave him  a handjob.
he was pretty good at it, i didn't come, close but no...

so haven't heard from him much since.
funny that.

i'm trying not to give anything to negative but idk given past experiences i'm expecting him to disappear.
i don't want him to but best to be prepared.

sigh, eat, regret later

so i ate all the cookie dough.
i mostly now just feel sick.

still lonely.

its nice weather, i would want to do something with someone but i have no one.

my sister has been with her boyfriend for 3 years and she told me she is 98% sure she wants to be with him forever. she always has someone, she's had someone since she was 15/16 and had her first long term relationship she has pretty much gone from one relationship to another since then, she has never dated or been rejected.

i've always been alone.

i haven't heard from that guy, tbh i wouldn't want to; i'd just say something depressing to scare him so its probably for the best his obviously not thinking about me.

i'm going to go be depressed on the couch and wallow my life away.