i don't matter to anyone.

no one loves or cares about me.
i don't matter to anyone.
its killing me.
i'm so sad.

stupid.

i'm alone, of course, i really shouldn't even have to mention that, its a given.
i should be sleeping but like always my mind wants to think about things that make me sad and my eyes want to cry about it.
just thinking about stupid memories.

i feel lonely most of the time, but sometimes i feel ok.
every night for the past few weeks it feels like as soon as the sun goes down, my mood goes with it and i feel desperately sad and depressed and alone.

i feel like this is just the way it is; me alone. always.
me alone to face the world with  no one.
just me, alone.

and that very...lonely.

i've pretty much given on trying to find someone to love me, i can't even find someone to keep a date.
but i know my heart will never let me give up.

even if i found someone i would spend the whole time worrying when they would dump me, so i'm alone and i worry about no one ever loving me and i'm with someone and i worry about them leaving.

what will make me happy?

it all goes back to one silly thing.
i want a hug.
i want to not feel like i have no one and its just me and theres no other option,
i want to connect with someone.

i want  someone to see what a good person i am and see how many nice attributes i have.
i know now its not because i'm a bad person, because i'm not, i'm a lovely person but no one sees it.

idk what to do anymore.
i thought years ago i was in a bad place and i would always think; it can't always be like this, life moves on, it won't always be like this.
it pretty much is.

and then i just think about what a failure i am.

i know i'm not a bad person but i still can't help but hate myself...which helps nothing.

i'm lonely. what's new?

thats pretty much it...

i am an awful person.

i should feel nothing but ashamed of myself.

anytime i try to reach out to anyone i'm pushed away like what i did was wrong and shouldn't be done again, i believe it now.

just be ok with being alone, its better.
repeat it.
believe it.
live it.

alone (again...always)

just wishing i had someone to talk too and someone that gave a shit about me and what i wanted.
i don't want to let anyone in  anymore but at the same time , i want to be close to someone without actually going close to them...if that makes sense.

i want to get back to a place where i don't expect anything and being alone is all i know and there is no other option, but i know there is now but i will never have it.

i guess i just have to keep telling myself i'm a piece of shit and that no one will ever love me and i will die alone.

it will sink in eventually i hope.
there is no point expecting anything or hoping.

die.

i've always hated myself but not as much as i do now.
i'm a pathetic, fat, ugly stupid piece of shit.
no one will ever love me or see anything good in me worth keeping.
i will die alone.
and i will deserve it.

alone.

i'm alone and i'm sad.
i want to stop feeling this way.
i wish it would go away.
i wish someone could just love me how i am.
i wish i was given a chance.
i'm alone and i have no one.
i don't even know what to do anymore.
i wish someone would reach out to me and be there for me.
i just want to cry and cry and have someone be there and not judge me, just hold me.
but there isn't anyone.
i'm alone.
i can't handle being alone anymore.
i really opened myself up to someone and i started to really trust them and they decided they didn't want me anymore.
i have never felt so hurt.
i'm so stupid.
i'm so alone.
i don't know what to do.
i hate myself.