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ks dumped me.
he never liked me that much.
i'm a fucking idiot.
i am so fucking stupid.
to think someone could like me? i'm an ugly piece of shit.
i deserve to be sad and alone forever.
pfft, thinking someone could like me.
i'm ugly and stupid and offer nothing good to the world.
just a waste of fat space.
god its embarrasing to think he liked the way i look.
i'm so stupid.
i hate myself.
i guess he treated me the way i deserve.
like shit.

fucking it up (probs)

i really like KS lookalike, probs going to fuck it up though.

his really patient and kind and honest and easy to talk too but even a guy as nice as that can only take so much shit from an emotionally retarded person.

i'm going to push him too far and he'll disappear.

i'm waiting for when he probably messages me and tells me he doesn't want to see me anymore.
been through a bit of shit in the last week, its good to be honest but its just put me more on edge that he'll disappear soon.
i really don't want him too.

i've been a bit of a bitch to him (and when i get cold, i'm fucking nasty frosty) i hate myself for doing it but i almost can't help it.

idk he'll bail eventually.

i guess its time to just saviour all the hugs and affection while its still there.

well...nice how

so my last post was about my uncertainty with KS lookalike.
things actually seem to be going well...

we've been seeing each other for a few weeks and consistently at that.
its really nice, his really affectionate and omg, its the best.
he says his really picky but somehow, in sommmmme fucked up way, IIIIIII am his type!!

me.
someone's type.
so strange.

unfort his currently living with his parents like an hour away, which sucks but he says thats extra motivation for him to move closer and with me starting work tomorrow 4 days a week that cuts down on the opportunity.

but i'm seeing him on friday and he'll probs meet my mum, i had dinner with his parents last week and then we're spending NYE together down at his parents, which is 5 minutes away from the beach.

and i'm also invited to his sister's wedding in January, well he invited me, so i'm not sure if i'm actually invited, but still a big deal i think.

...the sex is pretty good also :]

so things are pretty good for me right now :]
while i had my moments, i was starting to deal with being single peacefully, but this is really nice, i'm still realistic though.

...always got to be prepared for the worst :]

wishful thinking

went on a date with KS lookalike the other day, it went really well, we had lots to talk about and he was affectionate, almost too affectionate that it made me feel a bit awkward but it was  still nice.

after dinner, coffee (gelati for me) and chats we adjourned to the backseat of his car and made out.
he told me i was beautiful.

i was home alone the next night and he came over.
inevitably thing ended up in bed, he went down on me and i gave him  a handjob.
he was pretty good at it, i didn't come, close but no...

so haven't heard from him much since.
funny that.

i'm trying not to give anything to negative but idk given past experiences i'm expecting him to disappear.
i don't want him to but best to be prepared.

sigh, eat, regret later

so i ate all the cookie dough.
i mostly now just feel sick.

still lonely.

its nice weather, i would want to do something with someone but i have no one.

my sister has been with her boyfriend for 3 years and she told me she is 98% sure she wants to be with him forever. she always has someone, she's had someone since she was 15/16 and had her first long term relationship she has pretty much gone from one relationship to another since then, she has never dated or been rejected.

i've always been alone.

i haven't heard from that guy, tbh i wouldn't want to; i'd just say something depressing to scare him so its probably for the best his obviously not thinking about me.

i'm going to go be depressed on the couch and wallow my life away.

alone, together.

feeling particularly lonely today.
That Guy hurt my feelings, i doubt his aware but i can't seem to shake it, now all i want to do is devour the cookie dough in the fridge.
i had been having a pretty good run and i haven't felt this way in awhile, stats were showing 80% only about 20% not...usually it was about 60/40... 60% not happy....40% happy.

i had plans tonight but as usual they went to shit.

i started talking to someone new on the dating website i'm on, first time in ages.
and his perfect.
older than me.
teacher (i always wanted to fuck the teacher when i was in school, a girl in my year actually did and i was super jealous but i was so fucking ugly when i was 14-15ish it never would have happened)
wears glasses.
like cats.
no all manly, but seems manly enough.
likes the same movies and music as me.

LOOKS LIKE KEVIN SMITH.
for realz, a total doppelganger, though not as large.
and he prefers curvy girls and likes redheads.

only fault i'm yet to come across is that he doesn't have much of a sweet tooth which is quite disappointing as i love to bake.

so yeah his really sweet.
i'm trying not to fuck it up.

we exchanged numbers and i was the first to message, i usually don't like doing that, don't want to across all desperate and too eager.
so after we said goodnight last night i decided i wouldn't be the one to message today so it will be interesting if he messages or not, if he doesn't, idk i can only assume i haven't crossed his mind...which would disappoint me.

but yeah not going to fuck this up.

like i said, i've actually felt happy lately and not so shit about myself (sans today) so i'm hoping finally i am reaping the rewards of that.
trying to keep negative thoughts at bay.

i hope i don't fuck it up.

audience of one.

i've grown pretty accustomed to doing things alone.
movies, shopping, appointments, sleeping, (sex... :/ ) etc etc...
and for the most part i don't mind, sometimes its easier to just be in my own company than having to entertain or worrying about someone else.

but not all the time,
its coming up to summer and there are lot of events going on and i have no one to go with to anything.
i have a few friends but our interests rarely overlap and i'm left with the choice of going alone or not going at all and i'm really getting sick of the latter options; there have been COUNTLESS events i have missed on because of this and it makes me angry that my lack of company causes me to miss out completely.

it really makes me sad that i don't have someone that gets just as excited as me about different concerts and shows and that when something comes up its not instant excitement but mostly disappointment that its just another event i'll miss out on.

usually i have to either beg someone or offer to go halvzies in their ticket.

idk it just makes me sad.
it makes me realise just how alone i am or just how disconnected i am from the people that are in my life.

all these feelings were dug up earlier today.
i visited Kevin Smith's twitter every few days and was supper giddy to see that their bringing their 'Jay and Silent Bob' podcast show to .................... and that the show in my capital city was the day after my 22nd birthday.

i had previously been texting That Guy about random crap when i told him this, he knows a little about my KS infatuation, but i've kept most of it to myself (ie. i haven't let slip  that over the weekend i made a new vision board and included a picture of him on it...not so much in the way that i want him, i mean he is very nice to look at but more what he represents; he seems like a genuinelly decent guy, smart, funny and his a good husband and father. thats what i want) and i know that That Guy likes KS' movies (he was in his mid 20's in the 90's) so i asked if he would be interested.

he asked who was paying and i said he should be paying considering it was my birthday (haha) or alternativly, the event wasn't until april so i could get tickets (the presale had started) and he could just pay me back. but i mean come on, tickets were like $80 and the guy has a full time job, i have no job and i can afford it.

he wrote back that to be honest he wasn;t really interested in listening to KS talk for hours.
i should have been expecting this response but idk i was hopeful.
i tried to guilt him by saying thanks i'll just be alone on my birthday and he called me emo.

it really annoys me when he does this, he thinks that having any emotions is 'emo'
i responsed; i'm not being emo, i never have anyone to go to events too, i either have to go by myself or miss out. excuse me for having a normal human emotion.
blah blah.

but it did get me down and the eyes watered for a minute or two.

so it looks like i'm going by myself.
its better than not going at all i suppose, its now my birthday present to myself, but it sucks not having anyone to turn too and share the experience with.

what makes me the most sad is that i feel i have no choice but to be alone, i ask and invite people to do things with me, they just never want too.

but i suppose all these experiences are probably preparing me for an existance spent alone.