i'm incredibly lonely and sad.
i don't think i can do this anymore.
nobody wants me around anyway.
i'll always be alone.
i don't know what to do anymore.
i just need someone to be kind to me.

i screwed it up.
and i'm the only one to blame, i had something so good and i 'm so fucked up and stupid that i screwed it up.
no one will ever love this fucked up misunderstood crazy bitch or will ever try.
i want someone to see that i'm different and worth it.
i hate myself so much.
i need love but i will never get it.

forever lost.

i don't even know what to do with myself anymore.
i just want it to stop.
i'm so lonely.
i feel ignored and like i don't matter to anyone.

everyone hates me, i hate me.

i feel like i don't have that feeling of 'home' anymore, even in my own bed where i would feel safest.
i want to run away.

fear and loathing.

when i date someone i am in a constant state of fear knowing that sooner or later they will get rid of me.
even though i try to hide all the ugly stuff about me.
everything i do and everything i am is never good enough.
and it makes me so sad.

stupid.

i hate myself for thinking that someone could love me.

fml.

i met a guy i really like. his adorable; 6''4, tattoo artist, tattoos (obvz) really talented, glasses.
and his so nice to me. so gentle and sincere and caring.
i'm fairly certain he likes me as much as i like him.
his moving to europe in november possibly for good but at least for 6 months.
of course this would happen to me.

anytime i liked anyone they either don't like me back or they leave.
i finally meet someone who likes me as much as i like them and his leaving anyway.

he told me a few hours ago, it made me sad but now its really upset me.
it was nice that he told me, it was like he was saying we'd make it to november.
which just makes it harder.

i'm trying to be rational about it and get some perspective and i think about all the nice things his said and already done but my mind just keeps going back to that message and my stomach knots up and my eyes water.

idk if i should tell him who i feel, i know its selfish for me to think that way as its exciting for him. but idk maybe i should let me him know how i feel, it will probs come out eventually.

now i can't sleep.

i fall for people too fast.

i don't matter to anyone.

no one loves or cares about me.
i don't matter to anyone.
its killing me.
i'm so sad.

stupid.

i'm alone, of course, i really shouldn't even have to mention that, its a given.
i should be sleeping but like always my mind wants to think about things that make me sad and my eyes want to cry about it.
just thinking about stupid memories.

i feel lonely most of the time, but sometimes i feel ok.
every night for the past few weeks it feels like as soon as the sun goes down, my mood goes with it and i feel desperately sad and depressed and alone.

i feel like this is just the way it is; me alone. always.
me alone to face the world with  no one.
just me, alone.

and that very...lonely.

i've pretty much given on trying to find someone to love me, i can't even find someone to keep a date.
but i know my heart will never let me give up.

even if i found someone i would spend the whole time worrying when they would dump me, so i'm alone and i worry about no one ever loving me and i'm with someone and i worry about them leaving.

what will make me happy?

it all goes back to one silly thing.
i want a hug.
i want to not feel like i have no one and its just me and theres no other option,
i want to connect with someone.

i want  someone to see what a good person i am and see how many nice attributes i have.
i know now its not because i'm a bad person, because i'm not, i'm a lovely person but no one sees it.

idk what to do anymore.
i thought years ago i was in a bad place and i would always think; it can't always be like this, life moves on, it won't always be like this.
it pretty much is.

and then i just think about what a failure i am.

i know i'm not a bad person but i still can't help but hate myself...which helps nothing.

i'm lonely. what's new?

thats pretty much it...

i am an awful person.

i should feel nothing but ashamed of myself.

anytime i try to reach out to anyone i'm pushed away like what i did was wrong and shouldn't be done again, i believe it now.

just be ok with being alone, its better.
repeat it.
believe it.
live it.

alone (again...always)

just wishing i had someone to talk too and someone that gave a shit about me and what i wanted.
i don't want to let anyone in  anymore but at the same time , i want to be close to someone without actually going close to them...if that makes sense.

i want to get back to a place where i don't expect anything and being alone is all i know and there is no other option, but i know there is now but i will never have it.

i guess i just have to keep telling myself i'm a piece of shit and that no one will ever love me and i will die alone.

it will sink in eventually i hope.
there is no point expecting anything or hoping.

die.

i've always hated myself but not as much as i do now.
i'm a pathetic, fat, ugly stupid piece of shit.
no one will ever love me or see anything good in me worth keeping.
i will die alone.
and i will deserve it.

alone.

i'm alone and i'm sad.
i want to stop feeling this way.
i wish it would go away.
i wish someone could just love me how i am.
i wish i was given a chance.
i'm alone and i have no one.
i don't even know what to do anymore.
i wish someone would reach out to me and be there for me.
i just want to cry and cry and have someone be there and not judge me, just hold me.
but there isn't anyone.
i'm alone.
i can't handle being alone anymore.
i really opened myself up to someone and i started to really trust them and they decided they didn't want me anymore.
i have never felt so hurt.
i'm so stupid.
i'm so alone.
i don't know what to do.
i hate myself.

ghuirsghvoz;si

ks dumped me.
he never liked me that much.
i'm a fucking idiot.
i am so fucking stupid.
to think someone could like me? i'm an ugly piece of shit.
i deserve to be sad and alone forever.
pfft, thinking someone could like me.
i'm ugly and stupid and offer nothing good to the world.
just a waste of fat space.
god its embarrasing to think he liked the way i look.
i'm so stupid.
i hate myself.
i guess he treated me the way i deserve.
like shit.

fucking it up (probs)

i really like KS lookalike, probs going to fuck it up though.

his really patient and kind and honest and easy to talk too but even a guy as nice as that can only take so much shit from an emotionally retarded person.

i'm going to push him too far and he'll disappear.

i'm waiting for when he probably messages me and tells me he doesn't want to see me anymore.
been through a bit of shit in the last week, its good to be honest but its just put me more on edge that he'll disappear soon.
i really don't want him too.

i've been a bit of a bitch to him (and when i get cold, i'm fucking nasty frosty) i hate myself for doing it but i almost can't help it.

idk he'll bail eventually.

i guess its time to just saviour all the hugs and affection while its still there.

well...nice how

so my last post was about my uncertainty with KS lookalike.
things actually seem to be going well...

we've been seeing each other for a few weeks and consistently at that.
its really nice, his really affectionate and omg, its the best.
he says his really picky but somehow, in sommmmme fucked up way, IIIIIII am his type!!

me.
someone's type.
so strange.

unfort his currently living with his parents like an hour away, which sucks but he says thats extra motivation for him to move closer and with me starting work tomorrow 4 days a week that cuts down on the opportunity.

but i'm seeing him on friday and he'll probs meet my mum, i had dinner with his parents last week and then we're spending NYE together down at his parents, which is 5 minutes away from the beach.

and i'm also invited to his sister's wedding in January, well he invited me, so i'm not sure if i'm actually invited, but still a big deal i think.

...the sex is pretty good also :]

so things are pretty good for me right now :]
while i had my moments, i was starting to deal with being single peacefully, but this is really nice, i'm still realistic though.

...always got to be prepared for the worst :]

wishful thinking

went on a date with KS lookalike the other day, it went really well, we had lots to talk about and he was affectionate, almost too affectionate that it made me feel a bit awkward but it was  still nice.

after dinner, coffee (gelati for me) and chats we adjourned to the backseat of his car and made out.
he told me i was beautiful.

i was home alone the next night and he came over.
inevitably thing ended up in bed, he went down on me and i gave him  a handjob.
he was pretty good at it, i didn't come, close but no...

so haven't heard from him much since.
funny that.

i'm trying not to give anything to negative but idk given past experiences i'm expecting him to disappear.
i don't want him to but best to be prepared.

sigh, eat, regret later

so i ate all the cookie dough.
i mostly now just feel sick.

still lonely.

its nice weather, i would want to do something with someone but i have no one.

my sister has been with her boyfriend for 3 years and she told me she is 98% sure she wants to be with him forever. she always has someone, she's had someone since she was 15/16 and had her first long term relationship she has pretty much gone from one relationship to another since then, she has never dated or been rejected.

i've always been alone.

i haven't heard from that guy, tbh i wouldn't want to; i'd just say something depressing to scare him so its probably for the best his obviously not thinking about me.

i'm going to go be depressed on the couch and wallow my life away.

alone, together.

feeling particularly lonely today.
That Guy hurt my feelings, i doubt his aware but i can't seem to shake it, now all i want to do is devour the cookie dough in the fridge.
i had been having a pretty good run and i haven't felt this way in awhile, stats were showing 80% only about 20% not...usually it was about 60/40... 60% not happy....40% happy.

i had plans tonight but as usual they went to shit.

i started talking to someone new on the dating website i'm on, first time in ages.
and his perfect.
older than me.
teacher (i always wanted to fuck the teacher when i was in school, a girl in my year actually did and i was super jealous but i was so fucking ugly when i was 14-15ish it never would have happened)
wears glasses.
like cats.
no all manly, but seems manly enough.
likes the same movies and music as me.

LOOKS LIKE KEVIN SMITH.
for realz, a total doppelganger, though not as large.
and he prefers curvy girls and likes redheads.

only fault i'm yet to come across is that he doesn't have much of a sweet tooth which is quite disappointing as i love to bake.

so yeah his really sweet.
i'm trying not to fuck it up.

we exchanged numbers and i was the first to message, i usually don't like doing that, don't want to across all desperate and too eager.
so after we said goodnight last night i decided i wouldn't be the one to message today so it will be interesting if he messages or not, if he doesn't, idk i can only assume i haven't crossed his mind...which would disappoint me.

but yeah not going to fuck this up.

like i said, i've actually felt happy lately and not so shit about myself (sans today) so i'm hoping finally i am reaping the rewards of that.
trying to keep negative thoughts at bay.

i hope i don't fuck it up.

audience of one.

i've grown pretty accustomed to doing things alone.
movies, shopping, appointments, sleeping, (sex... :/ ) etc etc...
and for the most part i don't mind, sometimes its easier to just be in my own company than having to entertain or worrying about someone else.

but not all the time,
its coming up to summer and there are lot of events going on and i have no one to go with to anything.
i have a few friends but our interests rarely overlap and i'm left with the choice of going alone or not going at all and i'm really getting sick of the latter options; there have been COUNTLESS events i have missed on because of this and it makes me angry that my lack of company causes me to miss out completely.

it really makes me sad that i don't have someone that gets just as excited as me about different concerts and shows and that when something comes up its not instant excitement but mostly disappointment that its just another event i'll miss out on.

usually i have to either beg someone or offer to go halvzies in their ticket.

idk it just makes me sad.
it makes me realise just how alone i am or just how disconnected i am from the people that are in my life.

all these feelings were dug up earlier today.
i visited Kevin Smith's twitter every few days and was supper giddy to see that their bringing their 'Jay and Silent Bob' podcast show to .................... and that the show in my capital city was the day after my 22nd birthday.

i had previously been texting That Guy about random crap when i told him this, he knows a little about my KS infatuation, but i've kept most of it to myself (ie. i haven't let slip  that over the weekend i made a new vision board and included a picture of him on it...not so much in the way that i want him, i mean he is very nice to look at but more what he represents; he seems like a genuinelly decent guy, smart, funny and his a good husband and father. thats what i want) and i know that That Guy likes KS' movies (he was in his mid 20's in the 90's) so i asked if he would be interested.

he asked who was paying and i said he should be paying considering it was my birthday (haha) or alternativly, the event wasn't until april so i could get tickets (the presale had started) and he could just pay me back. but i mean come on, tickets were like $80 and the guy has a full time job, i have no job and i can afford it.

he wrote back that to be honest he wasn;t really interested in listening to KS talk for hours.
i should have been expecting this response but idk i was hopeful.
i tried to guilt him by saying thanks i'll just be alone on my birthday and he called me emo.

it really annoys me when he does this, he thinks that having any emotions is 'emo'
i responsed; i'm not being emo, i never have anyone to go to events too, i either have to go by myself or miss out. excuse me for having a normal human emotion.
blah blah.

but it did get me down and the eyes watered for a minute or two.

so it looks like i'm going by myself.
its better than not going at all i suppose, its now my birthday present to myself, but it sucks not having anyone to turn too and share the experience with.

what makes me the most sad is that i feel i have no choice but to be alone, i ask and invite people to do things with me, they just never want too.

but i suppose all these experiences are probably preparing me for an existance spent alone.